Thursday, July 22, 2010

F These Female Action Movies

With Angelina Jolie kicking ass in Salt this weekend, it's time to look at some other action movies starring ladies. They can do all the same stuff as boys!

1. Kill Bill Vol. 1/Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2003/2004) - The best female action movie(s) of all time, featuring the best female action hero of all time.

2. Red Sonja (1985) - I can't believe Brigitte Nielsen didn't become a movie star off of this one. It might have been the hair, which has at least influenced certain segments of lesbian culture.

3. Point of No Return (1993) - The American remake of La Femme Nikita isn't as bad as you think. It's just kind of generic and Bridget Fonda doesn't make the most convincing action star -- which, I would argue, is kind of the point.

3. Resident Evil (2002) - Picking the best video game movie is like picking the best kind of hepatitis (it's B). Having said that, Resident Evil still might be the best video game movie, even though it's not very good -- certainly not good enough to warrant three sequels (including the upcoming 3-D installment Resident Evil: Afterlife). The movie would be much better if Milla Jovovich was still playing Lee-Loo.

4. Coffy (1973) - Coffy kicks so much fucking ass. Not ironic ass. Sincere ass. Pam Grier is the shit. A fantastic movie.

5. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) - Cast an impossibly sexy actress as an impossibly sexy video game creation and you get an impossibly sucky movie.

6. Charlie's Angels (2000) - They're not dumb, they're cute, right? The action isn't all that great (because McG), but at least the movie seems to know exactly what it is. Spice World with wire-fu.

7. Aliens (1986) - Ellen Ripley is just behind Beatrix Kiddo for the most kick-ass girl in the history of movies. Like Tarantino, James Cameron gets that making a great female action hero doesn't just mean having her act like a man (though they both believe that strong women are defined by their maternal instincts).

8. Barb Wire (1996) - This single attempt to turn Pamela Anderson into a movie star -- even an ironic one -- rightly failed. I guess remaking Casablanca only much shittier isn't a formula for automatic success.

9. Underworld (2003) - Kate Beckinsale is boring. Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight leather pants is still boring. For a movie about vampires and werewolves, Underworld is very boring. F this movie and its sequels/prequels.

10. Elektra (2005) - Because speaking of boring.

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