Friday, April 29, 2011

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Week of April 25)

It's been an exciting week here at F This Movie! Patrick unveiled a new feature titled, "Take Two," in which he reexamines movies to see if his feelings about them have changed over time, JB is providing day-by-day coverage of Ebertfest, Roger Ebert's annual film celebration in Champaign, Ill., and Doug? Well he's just shitting out the same old movie trailer roundup that he's been doing for weeks. Not a forward thinker, that guy.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Release date: July 15, 2011

I'm not gonna lie -- I have a boner for Harry Potter. Wait! That came out wrong! My "boner" is for the "creativity" and "imagination" surrounding the "Harry Potter" "universe" ... and Hermione, new lesbian haircut aside (much better). I bought the Harry Potter books for my nieces and nephews back when there were only three volumes (I promised to keep adding to their collection, but, as far as I know, they only read sexts, so it made financial sense to stop). Adults I knew -- including my sister -- tried to convince me that the books were great, and that I (a GROWN MAN!) should read them. I was all, "Pshaw, no thanks! I've got bills to pay [read: adult stuff]!" Then I met Molly. She convinced me to give them a go [read: she threatened to fire me if I didn't read them]. I FINALLY succumbed to all the pressure(?), and read all seven books in about 13 months, which, for me, is really fast. I was hooked! They're really terrific books! What a delight! These are all phrases that require exclamation points, obvi. The movies are pretty good too, but [PRETENTIOUSNESS ALERT] they're not as good as the books. I mean, how could they be? Long story short, I'm really looking forward to this, the eighth installment of the film series. I also have CRAZY HIGH expectations, because, while Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 was good, I think I enjoyed it more because I'm expecting Part 2 to have a huge payoff. If it doesn't, well ... let's just say that I'll be more heartbroken than Hagrid after the death of Aragog, king of arachnids, and no amount of tears from Fawkes the phoenix will be able to heal my broken spirit.

What's Your Number?
Release date: Sept. 30, 2011

I will see this. I'm not proud of this fact, but I will see this. I genuinely enjoy romantic comedies (or ROMCOMs if you're a giant d-bag), and, despite their lame premises and supreme predictability, I find them charming. My love of Return to Me, which is flawed yet touching, is well documented on this site (no homo). HOWEVER, I have a theory that Anna Faris isn't so much playing a character anymore. She's been praised for her past performances (the vapid department store clerk in Observe and Report and the eponymous House Bunny come to mind), but I think she's actually just BECOME an empty shell of blonde nothingness (I HOPE I'M WRONG!). Is she cute? Absolutely. Is she a great actress? Absonotly. Still, "One please!" -me.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Release date: July 1, 2011

I love Chicago. I hate Michael Bay. You can see why I'm conflicted. Two hilarious lines that do not help: Shia TheBeef yelling, "OPTIMUS!" and Optimus Prime fucktardedly (it's a word) lecturing, "You may lose your faith in us, but never in yourselves." And that's just in the trailer! Can you IMAGINE the kind of horrible dialogue that will be in the actual movie?! Which I'm sure will be close to three hours long?! Because Michael Bay loves to masturbate on celluloid?! And WHAT'S with the Inception music?! FUCK THIS MOVIE!

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