Friday, November 11, 2011

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (November 11)

Really? Billy F**KING Crystal?

21 Jump Street (red-band trailer)
Release date: March 16, 2012

I'm pissed at this trailer for two completely unrelated reasons. 1.) I wanted to feature it last week, but it was only available on a few sites (assuming the film studio worked out some sort of web exclusivity deal with iTunes [iTUNES!]), which is so F'ing stupid, because now it's available EVERYWHERE. So what was the point of that? YouTube is the NATURAL and OBVIOUS place to post any preview, especially when so many other video-hosting sites have terrible viewers (which can't be embedded on other web pages, such as ours) that take forever to load. Side note: it's weird that the clip above was posted by "SonyPictures," while MGM and Columbia are the two distributors. What an incestuous clusterfuck Hollywood's turned out to be. ANYWAY, isn't the point of a trailer to promote the movie? Don't you want as many people as possible to see it? Granted, the readership of this site isn't huge (yet), but I'm sure there are a few F Heads out there looking for both a.) one-stop movie discussion shopping, and b.) my HILARIOUS observations. Moving on ... 2.) THIS MOVIE DOESN'T LOOK THAT GOOD! Well, it looks FINE, but I want it to be reallyreally funny. And I didn't laugh once during the preview. But who knows? Maybe an orangutan cut the trailer -- perhaps they saved all the best stuff for the movie? OR, maybe it's a really edgy film, and the comedy in the preview is only supposed to lure in the youngsters. But that's a weird tack, right? I mean, I barely remember the original Fox series from the '80s, and can safely say that, while I recall the aura of the show, I never saw one single episode (maybe I was too young?). Also, spoiler(?) -- Johnny Depp makes a cameo. Yay? I'm sure it was in his Rum Diary contract: "Must take exactly two hours off to briefly appear in '80s TV reboot trash." And I'm sure the cameo's not even very funny or interesting! Because why provide audiences with something clever when a simple referential nod will do. UGH. Movies.

A Thousand Words
Release date: March 23, 2012

Eddie Murphy, everyone! Glad to see that "comeback" proceeding right on schedule ("Comebacks are for fags" -Brett Ratner, surewhynot). LISTEN: is it too late for him to put that Donkey costume back on? Because ... what? Yes, of course -- I know that Shrek is a CGI-animated children's movie, and no adult actors actually appear onscreen in costume. But you just KNOW that Eddie "Stanislavski" Murphy wears an actual donkey costume while he belches his unfunny lines into a sound-booth microphone. I'm also picturing white residue on his nose, but I'm sure it's just a powdered laxative! Donkeys have the hardest time pooping! Smooth move, Ex-lax!

Release date: Feb. 24, 2012

This movie was originally supposed to be released in October. For my birthday. But it was pushed back to February. For NO ONE'S birthday. Now my Ides of March commentary from July makes me out to be a LIAR. Thanks a lot, Wanderlust! I am by no means a Jennifer Aniston hater, BUT ... why does she have to be in everything lately? I know the word "everything" is hyperbolic, but I'm pretty sure I'm right -- she has been in every single thing I've ever seen, ever [lately]. And I'm tiring of her. And Paul Rudd? He's really leveraging his established brand equity ... with diminishing returns! Economics burn! [DUMB JOKES OUT OF SYSTEM] This movie looks good -- or, at least, has the potential to be very funny and charming. Good cast, good director, good vibes. Feels a bit like Flirting with Disaster, but I'm sure David Wain will deliver the laffs. Role Models was a pleasant surprise, and Wet Hot American Summer is maybe the funniest thing ever. So, yeah -- Wanderlust! Sign me up. Unless MTV runs a marathon of The State. Then it's Doug's inside time.

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