feel free to click one of these links. Maybe you'll get lucky! Also, for what it's worth, the U.S. Navy hasn't had an actual battleship in its fleet for nearly two decades. So ... GOOD JOB HASBRO!
Men in Black III
Release date: May 25, 2012
In 1997, Patrick and I took a summer school course at a local community college (jealous?). I honestly don't remember the title of the class, but I DO remember "reading" Willa Cather's O Pioneers! and Edith Wharton's Ethan Frome. Barf. But, our teacher, Mrs. (Dr.) Turner, was the best (she let me skip homework if I did headstands in front of everyone), so I'm not going to rip on it too much. ANYHOOZERS, one of our assignments was to write a critical paper on a newly released movie (very challenging material, obviously). I chose to write about the original Men in Black. Patrick chose Good Burger. I took the project seriously. Patrick ended his essay with the line, "It truly was a ... GOOD BURGER." I got a passing grade (barely). Patrick got an A+. My point? Patrick is incredibly smart and funny (and handsome), and Men in Black III looks like a script I would've written at age 18. It is unoriginal and unfunny and ... wait, TIME TRAVEL? Isn't this the exact same plot from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III? When the evil Shredder attacks, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air don't cut him no slack.
Release date: May 11, 2012
Sacha Baron Cohen is a legit comedy genius in the vein of Andy Kaufman and Fred Figglehorn. Argue with me all you want, but Da Ali G Show is brilliant (a word I hate, but, oh, looky here -- I'm using it!). His first movie, Ali G Indahouse, is a piece of garbage, probably because that character works much better when Cohen's interacting with real people. Borat was a return to form, and it's really, pretty funny (if you can excuse some of the grosser bits). For me, Bruno was decent (and also crude and mean), but I can certainly understand why some people HATE it. Honestly, I'm not even sure what The Dictator is. It's obviously not a [fake] documentary like his previous two films, but it DOES feature Megan Fox whoring (literally) herself out. Which, as we all know, happens in real life. So, yeah ... I'm stumped.
Drew Peterson: Untouchable
Release date: Jan. 21, 2012, on Lifetime
I know, I know -- this isn't a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE. It's actually a made-for-TV movie that will premiere on Lifetime later in January. However, it does star Rob Lowe and Kaley Cuoco (as well as William Mapother, which makes this the second time I've referenced him BY NAME this month), so the trailer has a bit of "weight" behind it. It's also a story that's very familiar to every Chicagoan out there (sorry if you're from, like, NEW YORK CITY, or something). According to the Lifetime website, "The film follows the fascinating tale of police officer Drew Peterson's fall from grace after the mysterious disappearance of his fourth wife." If you want to learn more, just Google this douchebag's name. Basically, he's a cop from Bolingbrook, Ill., who killed his wife/wives. So what, then, IS this thing? Well, by the looks of this 30-second teaser, it's about a garage door that goes down, then goes up, then goes down again, only to go up one more time, which finally reveals ... Rob Lowe in a wig and a fake mustache. The best part? Well, you'll just have to watch it till the end. It's ... BRILLIANT (twice!).