Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Sh!#ting on the Classics: Sh!#ty Movie Moments of 2011

Movie-wise, 2011 was a big bag of crap. What else is new? Few movies worked completely – especially those directed by Terrence Malick or starring Adam Sandler – and that made it easy to find atrocious moments to savor. Most of these films were bad, but these moments were EVEN WORSE!

  • Kevin James jumping on a CGI ostrich and breaking its legs,  Zookeeper.
  • The establishing shot of the science building, helpfully labeled SCIENCE BUILDING, Green Lantern.
  • The climax of Just Go With It, which occurs OFFSCREEN.  Later, Adam Sandler tells Jennifer Aniston all about it in a bar.
  • Why is Mr. O’Brien so grouchy? For the answer, let us go back to the beginning of time, The Tree of Life.
  • Kevin Spacey phoning it in, Horrible Bosses.
  • This must be a comedy – Vince Vaughn has a gambling problem and keeps getting his ass kicked, and Kevin James is a cuckold with a life-threatening medical condition – hilarious! The Dilemma.
  • Julia Roberts’ Mercedes Tainot held up as a paradigm of teaching, Larry Crowne.
  • The “scooter gang,” Larry Crowne.
  • Larry Crowne, Larry Crowne.
  • Jenna Fischer’s unflattering make-up, hairstyle, lighting, and cinematography, Hall Pass.
  • Robert Pattinson’s convincing portrayal of a department store mannequin, Water for Elephants.
  • The town with only one bar, Crazy, Stupid, Love.
  • Far too many cutaways to the cute dog reacting, The Artist.
  • 9/11 can be a source of comedy, right? A Little Help.
  • Jesse Eisenberg can be a source of comedy, right? 30 Minutes or Less.
  • The baffling story construction of Anonymous.
  • The house is on fire. Let’s argue. Dream House.
  • No romantic chemistry detected, No Strings Attached.
  • A Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon of Snoopy gives a more restrained performance than Gabourey Sidibe, Tower Heist.
  • Far-out teen dance party, X-Men: First Class.
  • Gee, you think Paul Rudd is going to fix all of his sisters’ problems? Gee, do you think they’re gonna stop that train? Our Idiot Brother.
  • “Why Cookie Rocket?” Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
  • Hey! Heaven is a beach where we all wander around in black and white!  Look, there’s Mom! The Tree of Life.


  1. Is "SCIENCE BUILDING" like "everyone have fun tonight, everyone WANG CHUNG tonight"? Just curious. Keith Jensen

  2. Man, my crap-avoidance system worked perfectly this year. With the lone exception of "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" (which I just saw last week and enjoyed), I have not seen any of the movies in that list.

    Was "Tree of Life" really that bad? It's about the only one on the list I have much interest in seeing.

  3. Hey, Keith! Good to hear from you. I do not know how many FThisMovie readers/listeners are aware of this, but Green Lantern is actually based on the life of Keith Jensen when he was in his early twenties! True!

    Sol-- I liked Apes, just not as much as everyone else. I also seem to be alone in my opinion of The Tree of Life (Look at how many ten best lists it made!) but slowly, slowly many people are starting to come to their senses...

    Also-- Great post on Citizen Kane. I hope this leads to you exploring further unknown films and unknown decades. You go, girl.

  4. Thanks JB - this might be a lot to ask but I'm sure you've been asked before - do you have a definitive Top 10 (or more) of must-sees covering a fairly wide-range of genres/time periods? I've been looking at the AFI list and will obviously pursue watching a bunch of those, but I find there are some entries (Titanic? Sixth Sense?! They're fine, but Top 100 EVER? Really?) that make me question how deep they're going with that list...

    Anyway, I'll check the site and see if this has been covered before, but any guidance for an aspiring film geek would be much appreciated!