Tuesday, February 28, 2012

15 Movie Stars Who Tried to be Singers

"Sh!#ting on the Classics" is off this week, so in its place please enjoy this list of movie stars who have attempted to branch out and shit on their own classics. And by "classics," I mean "music."

And, yes, before everyone starts writing in the comments that I forgot Eddie Murphy and Don Johnson and Jennifer Lopez and Life Goes On's Chris Burke, no, I didn't. These were all picked for a reason. FOR YOUR EARS.

1. Toni Collette

A lot of people don't know that Toni Collette is also a recording artist, who released an album in 2006 with her band, Toni Collette & the Finish. That's because no one really knows anything about Toni Collette, because there's no real reason to. She is a talented actress. Not much more to it. Here, she walks on the beach and sings a sleepy song. Watch for Joel Edgerton running into the water.

2. Kevin Costner

When Kevin Costner released his three-hour post-apocalyptic sci-fi epic The Postman, he didn't just produce, direct, star and give out hope like it was candy in his pocket, he also SANG a duet with Amy Grant over the closing credits. The experience must have convinced him America was ready for more, because he started performing out with his band Kevin Costner and the Modern West. Their specialty is generic acoustic pseudo country, not unlike the music performed by Kevin Bacon (of the Bacon Brothers) or Dennis Quaid (of Dennis Quaid and the Sharks) or Gary Sinise (of the Lieutenant Dan Band [FOR REAL]) or Russell Crowe (of 30 Odd Foot of Grunts) or Billy Bob Thorton (of the Raging Assholes). If you're a white, middle-aged movie star, this kind of music must just write itself.

3. Robert Mitchum

The baddest, toughest sonuvabitch to ever grace a movie screen recorded an entire album of calypso music, Calypso -- is like so... in 1957. It will be impossible to ever watch Out of the Past without quietly hearing "Day-O" in the back of my mind for the rest of time.

4. Dane Cook

Ok, so Dane Cook is barely an actor. He's also barely a comic. But he's better at both of those than at singing. I can't believe he would release this song and hope that anyone will laugh at any of his jokes from this point FORWARD. (Yes, I know, you're going to laugh at everything he does from now on; good joke, everyone.)

5. Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson is pretty much written off as a laughing stock when it comes to music. Releasing an entire album of Tom Waits covers (2008's Anywhere I Lay My Head) was probably not the smartest way to be taken seriously, but is she really that much worse than Zooey Deschanel? People love that She & Him shit.

6. Robert Downey Jr.

Robert Downey Jr. has a fine voice and everything, but this song and video (from his 2004 album The Futurist) sort of defines self-indulgent. Someone should maybe tell him he's not super awesome at everything.

7. Milla Jovovich

This song and the accompanying video, from her 1994 album The Divine Comedy, is the better than all of the Resident Evil movies put together. The only thing better Milla Jovovich has ever done is, of course, Kuffs.

8. Corey Feldman

Dear Mark David Chapman: John Lennon called. He says "thanks."

9. Bruce Willis

Released after Moonlighting had made him a star but before Die Hard blew him up (literally), the 1987 album The Return of Bruno was the ultimate vanity project for a then-insufferably smug and in-love-with-himself Bruce Willis. He's just a bartender from Jersey who loves old blues and R&B music and playing his harmonica, see? Not a rich movie star who's going to foist his mediocre covers on you whether you like it or not. This song, "Respect Yourself," made it to #5 on the Billboard charts, making Willis one of the more successful actors with an embarrassing musical side project.

10. Steven Seagal

Yes, the song is corny, but admit it: you were prepared for it to be the worst thing ever, and then surprised yourself by thinking "this isn't that bad." Seagal is a pretty accomplished guitarist, and though he hasn't yet conquered songwriting, he's definitely broken several of its bones.

11. Alyssa Milano

I had the biggest crush on Alyssa Milano when I was 9 years old. This would have cured me of that.

12. Anthony Perkins

I want to make a joke about how Anthony Perkins is responsible for murdering more than just Janet Leigh, but this song is actually the cutest thing I've ever heard. I'm just worried about how he broke the news to the prettiest girl in school that he's very gay. Also, WHO ARE THE PEOPLE TAKING THE TIME TO PUT THESE YOUTUBE VIDEOS TOGETHER?

13. Ryan Gosling

Anyone who remembers Ryan Gosling performing the little ukelele song in Blue Valentine already knows he has some musical chops. He apparently records music under the name Dead Man's Bones. It's pretentious, but kind of good. Just like him.

14. Lucy Lawless

Fine, Lucy Lawless, I WILL MARRY YOU.

15. Edward Furlong

Even if you don't listen to any of the rest of these, you HAVE TO HEAR THIS. The T-1000 really fucked up when he failed to kill John Connor.


  1. (stands up and claps/cheers/whistles) Bravo... I'm in awe! Where/How do you find this stuff Patrick? That you took the time to chase all of these down and pick-and-choose which one's to post here (no way I would have left out Don Johnson) is more impressive and, frankly, scary than whoever took the time to put up Tony Perkins' video. I mean, look at him in that video... he was a looker, which is why Hitchcock cast Perkins against-type in "Psycho" (if you read the novel Norman Bates looks more like an average overweight balding loser) so the end of that movie would blow people's minds to see Tony doing... you know. Making YouTube videos isn't harmful to anyone except the copyright holders... you know, a victimless crime unless you count the video maker him/herself. ;-)

    Add one more to the list of respectable Kevin Costner-type actors that sing a soulful country-esque theme song during the closing credits of their epic movie: ED HARRIS in his directorial Western vehicle "Appaloosa" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C-0X0eBV7o).

    And thanks for the 'Return of Bruno' link to Bruce Willis' wannabe lounge singer act circa 1987, which I didn't even know about. I knew he had an ego but... my... God!!!! Suddenly all that self-aware singing and mugging for the camera Willis did in "Hudson Hawk" (a prime 'F This Movie' podcast candidate if there's ever been one) makes a lot more sense now. Time, life and age have mellowed Willis' ego down but man, back when he had the clout to get shit like "Hudson Hawk" made Bruce really could be an insufferable SOB.

    Again Patrick, thanks for taking the time to do this one-off columns on odd movie-centric topics so I don't have to (not that I ever would have even thought about it). You're such a Mensch :-)


    Maybe we can fix this... what if Furlong sang about his Date With the Prettiest Girl in School? That would have a sort of kitchy Peter Brady vibe, which would be LESS terrible, right? Then we'd have Norman Bates singing that he wants to touch my face in the dark forever... OH SHIT that was a mistake to imagine.

    Lucy Lawless has the same birthday as... my mom! COINCIDENCE?

  3. I think in "When the Sun Goes Down" we have found the official theme song of FTHISMOVIE !

    1. ^^^ Thanks for taking the week off from shitting on a classic and leaving an opening for us to hear it!

      Is it too late for Patrick to replace the music in the '100 Podcasts' tribute video with 'WTSGD'? Because I smell a hit (a single YouTube viewing hit) if Patrick could pull off this switcheroo. ;-)

  4. Did Furlong take singing lessons from Dirk Diggler?

    1. He seems to have The Touch, but is still lacking The Power.

    2. That's because he's lacking the John C. Reilly factor.