Friday, April 6, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (April 6)

I know everyone important (i.e., readers of this site [e.g., F-Heads]) totes saw last week's teaser for the Total Recall trailer, but did any of you watch the actual trailer (release date: Aug. 3, 2012) that debuted on Sunday (because Jesus)? No? None of you did? That's OK; it wasn't very good! Well, that's not entirely true. It was a perfectly serviceable preview. For a beloved sci-fi movie from 1990 that did NOT need to be remade. Starring a lead actor who seems like he's an asshole in real life. And a lead actress who is inarguably attractive, but also dead inside. And a supporting actress who is maybe the hottest alien on the planet. And Bryan Cranston. Yeah. Here are a few other trailers that don't piss on Philip K. Dick's grave.

Release date: July 13, 2012

Guys, I'm conflicted. The statement, "From the creator of Family Guy," alone would normally be enough for me to check out, but DAMMIT if I didn't crack up a few times during the trailer. Sure, it's completely ridiculous, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a joke about The Beaver in my back pocket. But when Mark Wahlberg (who has HUGE nostrils, BTW) starts rattling off trailer-trash lady names in his thick Southie accent, I lost it. I just wish that stupid CGI stuffed animal didn't sound exactly like Peter Griffin.

People Like Us
Release date: June 29, 2012

And STOP. Trailer paused at 30 seconds. FRANKIE? Really. Elizabeth Banks' character's name is "Frankie." I am already SO checked out, but I'll muscle through (for you guys). Ok. NOPE. Paused again at 1:20 -- REALLY?! You would never hit on Elizabeth Banks? I mean, YES, I get it. They're brother and sister (side note: when did trailers start giving away entire PLOTS?), but if my sister looked like the chick who tasted like a burger in Wet Hot American Summer, I would DEFINITELY go to prison. Shall we continue? Oops ... paused at 1:35. Because YEESH Michelle Pfeiffer! You look like a third-act stand-in on Death Becomes Her. You're falling apart, is what I'm saying. MOVING ON. All right, I was able to finish it without any more interruptions. Knowing nothing about the movie before I saw this preview, I have to admit I wanted it to be a comedy. And I suppose it's wrong to judge a trailer based on my misplaced preconceived notions, but this is a pretty heavy film, especially for a late June release. Where are the robots in disguises? Where are the Hufflepuffs? Where are the wild, wild Jim Wests (desperados)? Unfortunately, seeing Chris Pine in a summer movie only makes me want to see a sequel to Star Trek that much more. Make it so, number one!

Rise of the Guardians
Release date: Nov. 21, 2012

Quick introductory correction: these "Guardians" are NOT owls of Ga'Hoole. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID! I love Alec Baldwin. Except, I probably don't. I mean, yes -- his acting and politics and matinee idol good looks are incredibly appealing. But he's also arrogant. And a jerk. At 54, he just proposed to his 28-year-old yoga instructor. Not horrible, but still ... a little creepy. Remember when he got kicked off that American Airlines flight because he was too busy playing Words with FUCKING Friends? Getting worse. And what about the time when he repeatedly called his daughter a "pig" in a voicemail? Total asshole, is the point I'm trying to make. And then there's this -- his lame attempt at an eastern European accent portraying a tattooed Santa in a cartoon for kids. Three parting thoughts: a.) that Easter bunny is nightmare fuel; b.) when did "The Sandman" qualify as a beloved childhood mythical figure?; and c.) for a quality children's movie (Claymation, to boot) that looks fun and clever and creative, I highly recommend you check out the trailer for ParaNorman (release date: Aug. 17, 2012). It looks unbelievably better than ... whatever Rise of the Guardians is.


House at the End of the Street
Release date: Sept. 21, 2012

Katniss? #dodougsjobforhim


  1. Yikes! How can Corrin Farrell still get leading man work (even though technically he's 2nd-billed after top-ranked Mrs. Len Wiseman) in needless remakes after last year's "Fright Night" debacle? He's now officially worse box office poison than Matthew Modine was in his heyday. I'll say though, the idea of Billy Nighy as Kuato intrigues me enough to maybe (BIG maybe) want to see this on a matinee a couple of weeks after it opens.

    And I'm definitely NOT watching "Ted's" red band trailer, from my experience red bad trailers give away the best jokes and almost the entire movie plot. Not that I'd ever spend money/time watching anything Seth McFarlane and his team of sea otter writers come up with. Coming next year from McFarlane: an animated TV revival of "The Flintstones" ( :-(

  2. Whats with the Family Guy hate?
    Ted looks real funny. Looking forward to that one.

    People Like Us looks boring as F!

    Rise of the Guardians looks like fun. Sure, a tattooed Santa is unecessary, but then so is a ninja Easter Bunny and making these characters superheroes, but it does look interesting? something more positive than unecessary but not overly excitebale? I say roll with it and see how well they ride the gimmick.

    House at the End of the Street: not your own damn job Doug!

    1. FAMILY GUY is a weird show for me. On the surface, there's so much to dislike (e.g., SIMPSONS ripoff, crude humor, etc.). However, every time it's on, I find myself laughing. A lot. Which was the point of my writeup -- initially, I'm reluctant to watch any Seth MacFarlane project (AMERICAN DAD! and THE CLEVELAND SHOW are the worst by any standard), but eventually the silliness of it all wins me over. The TED preview starts the same way. It's kind of boring, and when the CGI bear first appeared I rolled my eyes. But then it succeeds -- for me -- with its commitment to a completely ridiculous premise. And it helps that Mark Walhberg, while not my favorite actor, has really good timing. OK, I've written enough. AND WHY THE HELL AM I DEFENDING MYSELF TO YOU?! Australians ... sheesh!

    2. ^^^ Don't forget Salvadoreans too! ;-P

    3. You're defending yourself against yourself.
      Don't fight the funny dude. The cognitive dissonance you feel is intentional and creating the humour within you.