Friday, July 6, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (July 6)

Hey guys. A word ... why haven't you bought your ticket to F This Movie!'s special Chicago screening of Die Hard on Thursday, Aug. 2, yet? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Seriously, if you don't buy your ticket in advance, the whole thing might be canceled! And you don't want THAT to happen, do you? Here's the link to order tickets. It only costs $10, and you'll get your money back if we don't meet our quota. THANKS IN ADVANCE!

Jack Reacher
Release date: Dec. 21, 2012

Something-something TomKat. Something-something Scientology. Something-something divorce. OK, that's out of our system now, right? Oh, wait! One last thing -- remember when Tom Cruise jumped up and down like a lunatic on Oprah's couch because he was so in love with Katie Holmes? And then it became a silly Internet meme? Yes? No? Who cares? EXACTLY. Soooooo ... Jack Reacher, huh? According to my "sources" (*cough* Wikipedia *cough*), Mr. Reacher is "6' 5" tall (1.96m) with a 50-inch chest, and weighing between 210 and 250 pounds." I bet Tom Cruise's Operating Thetan level III ears totally caught fire when that was first written by British author Jim Grant/Lee Child. The trailer really doesn't show us much, which, honestly, I can appreciate. I hope this trend(?) of previews NOT giving away entire plots continues!

Anna Karenina
Release date: Nov. 9, 2012

Those Russians ... always with the British accents. Keira Knightley is an underbitten fox, and Jude Law used to hold a special place in my pants/heart/heartpants (before Zac Efron came along, OBVI), but this looks like SNOOZE CITY! If you see it in November, PLEASE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't want to hear about it.

2 Days in New York
Release date: Aug. 10, 2012

Huzzah for Chris Rock and Julie Delpy! While this trailer is definitely charming (if not a little Big Fat French Family), it also makes me want to watch Before Sunset (Patrick's favorite sequel) again. So that's good, right?

Celeste and Jesse Forever
Release date: Aug. 3, 2012

This looks pretty great. I fell in love with Rashida Jones years ago (I know I'll take some heat for this, but, if I were Jim, I TOTALLY would've chosen her over Pam, a-no-a-doi), and I'm glad that she's getting some good roles. It's also nice to Andy Samberg not rapping on a boat, or making an ugly braces faces, or farting in harmony with Happy Madison. But I'm probably alone in thinking this. Oh well!

The Man with the Iron Fists
Release date: TBA

Quentin Tarantino presents! So why am I not more excited? Don't get me wrong, this looks interesting (ridiculously so), and you can see Kill Bill's influence all over it. Further, it's co-written by Eli Roth (although, let's be honest, he hasn't really impressed in a behind-the-scenes role since, what, 2005? He's been coasting for a while, is my point), so that's a good thing. But, I dunno. Too much CGI? Is that a valid enough complaint? Prove me wrong, director whose name I'm not sure if I should spell out or try to pronounce despite the lack of vowels! Seriously, is it, like, "Rih-zah," or "Are-Zee-Aay"?

Red Hook Summer
Release date: Aug. 10, 2012

Spike Lee's done it again! And I don't exactly know what "it" is! BUT THERE IS ONE THING I DO KNOW: Clarke Peters/Det. Lester Freamon is the best!

Alex Cross
Release date: Oct. 19, 2012

DON'T EVER CROSS ... ALEX CROSS! Ah, that's the best. Seriously, SO GOOD. But WTH is up with this film? It's 2012, and we're still basing movies on James Patterson novels? I thought Along Came a Spider was the end of it! If you really want to vurp, read this summary of the Alex Cross character from the "author's" website. ZOINKS. And those book titles! So stupid. Re: this preview -- Matthew Fox is such a girlfriend-punching weirdo (he looks like he shot Lost 20 years/three rehabs ago), and Tyler Perry is ... well, I'm not even sure what to say about his mainstream movie roles. Guy's a gajillionaire, and this is the kind of conventional crap he chooses to make? Boggles the mind.

1 comment:

  1. Tyler Perry is famous because he makes conventional crap. Why would he change anything?