Friday, November 1, 2013

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Nov. 1)

Do you know how weird it is to write about non-horror previews on Halloween? DO YOU? "Pretty weird," -your mouth hole. Alas, #ScaryMovieMonth 2013 has shuffled off this mortal coil. While it was "tons of fun" (Patrick's high school nickname), it's over Johnny. IT'S OVER. Listen, we're all adults with adult-sized brains so we're fully capable of moving on, right? I mean, November has stuff to offer too, like Daylight Saving Time and Albanian Independence Day and Cyber Monday ... OK, now I'm bummed. Here's some fucking trailerz. ENJOY.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Release date: April 4, 2014

OK, so the end of #ScaryMovieMonth isn't ALL bad. In fact, this trailer right done perked me up! Who'd've thunk that CAPTAIN AMERICA -- the guy with the shield and the wings on his helmet (coupled with Chris Evans' sincere performance [reminds me of Jake "That cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls" Wyler]) -- would be one of my favorite superheroes? Shame I have to wait five more months for this film to be released.

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Release date: March 7, 2014

This looks good, but all trailers for Wes Anderson movies look good, inasmuch as they look like mini-Wes Anderson movies, and that's a good thing, because sometimes a little taste is all you need. Sure, maybe he can't break out of his self-imposed creative box, but so what/who cares? He's an auteur with a specific artistic vision. Does it work? Mostly, yes; sometimes, no. And isn't that still a pretty good track record? Obviously, all of Hollywood wants to bask in his glow (just look at that ridiculously talented cast), and bloggers from Brooklyn will continue to fellate his work wherever they type. Lastly, this commentary would not be complete without the obligatory reference to SNL's recent inspired parody of a Wes Anderson horror film, The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders. Enjoy!

That Awkward Moment
Release date: Jan. 31, 2014

I'm a bro, and if there's one thing this movie understands, it's bros. Bromances, bros just being bros, bro pacts, bros getting hit by cars, and bros sticking their fake cocks into their girlfriends' parents' drinks. You get the bro-dea. BRO! [BRO SIGH] Zac Efron, my tolerance is wearing thin for these shitty movies. You're handsome! You can act (kind of)! It's time to start turning stuff DOWN.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Release date: Dec. 13, 2013

Here you go, fans of this sort of thing! A movie with "SMAUG" in the title! Have at it!

The LEGO® Movie
Release date: Feb. 7, 2014

On one hand, this is THE WORST. On the other hand, it's ... not ... the worst? Surely, this has to be the dumbest idea for a movie this side of Battleship; but, they seem to be approaching it with a lot more tongue-in-cheek humor and [dare I say?] whimsy (I SAID IT!). I'm getting a Wreck-It Ralph vibe, and I dig the stop-motion feel of the CGI. While I'm not thrilled this movie exists, it doesn't necessarily feel like a COMPLETE cash grab (but maybe a little bit).

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Release date: May 23, 2014

The last X-Men movie was OK -- good not great (sorry fanboys [#truth]). A wonderful first act, followed by stupid stuff (teen dance party, anyone?), followed by a typical, traditional [read: boring] ending. Like I said, OK. This trailer makes the latest installment look better! Or, at least, confusing enough so that I don't know the difference (even that title -- yeesh). Isn't it time to put these characters (and Bryan Singer) to bed? Especially Wolverine.


  1. Ugh..."That Awkward Moment"...seriously? Internet memes are made into movies now? Guess I'll start working on my "You're Doin' it Wrong!" script now...

    1. It will have to compete with the YOLO movie I've been working on.

    2. Nyan Nyan Cat is supposed to crossover with Batman in the next film.

    3. Coming soon: "Go home movie, you're drunk"

  2. X-Men characters should never be put to bed. They just need to appear in better movies, which I feel DoFP will be.

  3. Every time I see Michael B. Jordan in a movie, I get the feeling his character will die tragically. Maybe that's going to be the "awkward moment."