Friday, January 31, 2014

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Jan. 31)

Theater owners want fewer spoilers in trailers. And if there's one group that Hollywood studios really listen to, it's theater owners.

The Fault in Our Stars
Release date: June 6, 2014

Every week, there seems to be one new trailer that the Internet collectively creams (eww) its pants over. This week's entry is The Fault in Our Stars. And it looks ... fine? I mean, sure, it looks compelling and sad and thought-provoking and sad and inspiring, but also, you know ... SAD. And why aren't all the John Green fanboys complaining that Shailene Woodley is miscast? WHERE IS THE LITERARY OUTRAGE? #MikeBirbiglia

A Million Ways to Die in the West
Release date: May 30, 2014

In this red band trailer (headphones UP!), director/writer/star Seth MacFarlane shows us what he's been up to since Ted. It looks funny enough, and the cast (Charlize Theron, Liam Neeson, Amanda Seyfried, Neil Patrick Harris, Giovanni Ribisi and Sarah Silverman, to name a bunch) is pretty great. It's just ... I don't know. I feel like the preview, while enjoyable, is missing one BIG joke, like when Mark Wahlberg rattles off a ton of white trash girl names. In the meantime, check out these seven (SEVEN!) character posters.

A Long Way Down
Release date: TBA

I think I prefer the Long Way Down TV special documenting Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman's motorcycle trip south through 18 countries -- from John o' Groats, Scotland, to Cape Town, South Africa -- via Europe and Africa in 2007 (their follow-up to the even BETTER Long Way Round trip of 2004, when they rode east from London to New York via Eurasia and North America). Don't get me wrong, Nick Hornby is great (and who doesn't love saying the name "Imogen Poots"), I just prefer DUDES ON BIKES.

Welcome to the Jungle
Release date: Feb. 7, 2014

I will see this. Holy shit will I see this. I will see this for the following reasons: 1.) Jean-Claude Van Damme, 2.) Rob Huebel, 3.) an animal biting Kristen Schaal's vagina, 4.) JCVD, 5.) Adam Brody's comeback? and 6.) the Muscles from Brussels. I mean, YES, it could be terrible (just completely, absolutely terrible [like, AWFUL]). Will that stop me from seeing it? Heck no. I will see this.

The Zero Theorem
Release date: TBA

Sure, it's batshit crazy, but it's that GOOD kind of batshit that we actually crave from creative minds like Terry Gilliam (commenting on his style, Roger Ebert once said, "[Gilliam's] world is always hallucinatory in its richness of detail"). The writer/director appears to be back in rare form, and this time he's brought Christoph Waltz along with him. IMDb sums up the plot thusly: "A computer hacker's goal to discover the reason for human existence continually finds his work interrupted thanks to the Management; this time, they send a teenager and lusty love interest to distract him." Yeah, uh-huh, whatever. As Patrick might say, Gilliam's gotta Gilliam.

Release date: April 11, 2014

Help me out: Nic Cage is ____ in this ____ film that looks like a ____ of Mud. He ____ alongside the talented and ____ Tye Sheridan, who also ____ in Mud. Directed by the ____ David Gordon Green (Snow Angels, Pineapple Express, Your Highness and ____), this trailer looks ____! Mud!


  1. I will see Welcome to the Jungle for the all the reasons you mentioned. The one thing it is missing is a babadook. #babadook4life

    1. Yeah, I tried to be cynical while watching that trailer and completely failed.

  2. I have been waiting for a trailer for The Zero Theorem. Terry Gilliam, I'm on-board.