Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Mike Versus 1985
Don’t get me wrong. I want to be a team player, but 1985 was not a good year at the movies for me. I turned seven that year and my favorite thing to do at the time, much like it is now, was to go to the movies. It didn’t matter what it was; I wanted to see it and I knew I would LOVE it. Why? Because it’s a movie for heaven’s sake. Nothing bad could happen.
Now I realize that in 1985, I saw movies like Back to the Future and Real Genius -- movies I love to this day -- but that’s not what sticks out in my mind from that year. Instead, what I remember about 1985 is that it’s the scariest year in my movie-going history. I’m not referring to Fright Night or Re-Animator or Silver Bullet. I was too young to see those in a theater. No, I’m referring to...well, let’s hop in our Tardis and go back in time to listen to seven year old Mike watching some of these movies for the first time:
“Man, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure is sooo great so far. It’s hilarious and goofy and…well…things just got a little dark. What is this woman’s name? Did she say Large Marge? She’s telling a pretty creepy story abouAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HER FACE!?!?!?”
“Awesome! There’s a MASK movie coming out! I love those toys! I hope they have the motorcycAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT GUYS FACE?!?!?!”
“I really like the Wizard of Oz, so I’m not surprised that I’m digging Return to Oz. So far it’s pretty lovely, and sweet andAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THOSE GIANT PUMPKIN HEADS?!?!?!?”
“I want nothing more in life than to be a Goonie. This looks like so much fun! Going on an adventure with my friends, sneaking off with no parents around! I want gadgets like Data has…what…wait. Who’s that yelling? Is he chained up? Why is heAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT GUYS FACE?!?!?!?!”
“Weird Science is pretty funny. That brother sure is a jerk. Why would they build a girl? I mean, what a wasteAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY PANTS?!?!?!
I could go on, but you get the point.
Fuck you, 1985.