Riske Business: What Do You Do?

Pop quiz, hotshots! What would you do if you were placed in these movie scenarios? Erich and I have our answers.

Gremlins

Adam: You own a Mogwaii. It turns into a Gremlin. It’s in your room. What do you do?

Erich: Choking back tears, I'd tell him he's a good boy. Then take him into the shed and re-enact the ending of Old Yeller - the original ending where Yeller rips out Tommy Kirk's throat and uses his entrails as a chew toy.

Adam: You won't be able to go through with it once you have those Gremlin eyes beaming into yours. How would you subdue the Gremlin long enough to get it to the shed? I'm not saying your plan has holes, but it has holes.

Air Bud

Erich: You are a dog who can play basketball. Like, really play basketball. You are amazing in every way, especially your mad skillz in the paint. You help a shy kid and his team win the big championship game, only to end up embroiled in a custody battle with your former owner, a drunk party clown. The judge asks you to choose between your abusive ex-master and a clingy kid whose skillz aren't anywhere near as mad as yours. Who do you choose?

Adam: Even though the clown probably taught me how to be the Jesus Shuttlesworth of dogs, sometimes you gotta cut ties with a mentor. I would go with the kid, because pudding cups! But the moment them cups run dry, I'm outta there.

Erich: You gotta be careful with those pudding cups. Too many and you're panting all the time, missing easy jumpers in the paint. Also, chocolate kills dogs....maybe. I might be thinking of people who are allergic to chocolate.

Adam: People who are allergic to chocolate kill dogs?

The Goonies

Adam: The town you live in is about to go under. To save the town, you have to follow a treasure map while being stalked by criminals. What do you do?

Erich: Head to the 7-11, grab a Slurpee, play some Asteroids, and polish up my caddy resume.

Adam: For real! Those parents need to get their shit together. You’re just a kid. Why do you have to do everything?

Species


Erich: You enter your hotel room and find Natasha Henstridge waiting to have sex with you. You know she is an alien who will kill you immediately after intercourse. How many of your friends do you text beforehand to brag about it?

Adam: If I had your phone #, you would be one of them. I would text my friends Jon, Ed, Ed's wife Tiffany, Jon's fiancee, Patrick, Mark, Mike, JB, my Dad, my brother-in law, Greg and Nick from work. So that's 12.

Erich: I sure hope your data plan includes free text messaging, though it doesn't matter if you're about to be sexed to death. HIGH FIVE!

Die Hard

Adam: You are visiting your wife at her company's Christmas party. Terrorists take over the building while you are in the bathroom. What do you do?

Erich: Quietly zip up, tiptoe into the copier room, then walk into the main room with a stack of photocopies of my butt and say "Who wants a Christmas card?" While the terrorists are on the floor laughing, the cops could come in and save everyone.

Adam: Do you usually loudly zip up?

Terminator 2

Erich: You are a cyborg from the future sent back to protect the life of a whiny kid who will one day grow up to be the savior of mankind. After saving his butt a bunch of times from a different killer robot, you realize the only way to truly eliminate the threat is sacrificing yourself in a vat of molten metal. What do you do?

Adam: I would make a processor felt promise to myself that I won't go cray cray and choose not to burn myself alive. I might throw John Connor in the molten metal because he's a Public Enemy. Just look at his shirt.


Erich: That all sounds good to me, but what's next for ol' T-800? I'd guess Robot in a Car Factory or Wisecracking Butler for the Silver Spoons Kid.

Spider-Man 2

Adam: You are Peter Parker. You can be Spider-Man, but then you have no social life. Or you can give up being Spider-Man, enjoy yourself and leave the city to fend for itself against dastardly villains. What do you do?

Erich: I'd forgo everyone I know to be Spider-Man and save the city, then make a bunch of friends online under the screen name "NotSpidey88."

Adam: But then you might become Electro because you have no brick and mortar friends. The Internet is a slippery slope.

True Lies

Erich: You are an undercover spy whose unsuspecting wife is bored with your cover life. You spice things up by concocting a fake mission for her, during which you end up hiding in the shadows of a hotel room while your wife strips and dances for someone she thinks isn't her husband. How effed up is that, and how do you salvage the marriage?

Adam: I would get a divorce. I would also be proud of myself for setting up a good ol' 'to catch a cheater' ruse. Then I would go to the movies because I'm single now and will have extra time. I would also take the kids to see Flatliners, because Patrick told me that's what divorced parents do with their kids.


Erich: I find it hard to believe a top CIA spy would be happy hanging out in movie theaters all the time. That said, I would totally watch a movie about a spy who goes undercover at a Cineplex. 

Coming Summer 2016: Arnold Schwarzenegger IS Special Agent Andy Bolic IN Operation Double Feature!

Adam: I get it. Steroids. That’s clever. How’s that working out for you? Being clever.

The Dark Knight

Adam: You are a Gothamite in charge of a trigger that would blow up a ferry of hardened criminals.  If you don't The Joker might blow up your ferry that also holds hundreds of innocent bystanders. What do you do?

Erich: I'd choose to defy the Joker's mad whims, move to toss the trigger into the ocean, then trip over someone's feet, drop the device, and accidentally blow up the other boat. Everyone would stare in shock but I'd diffuse the tension by saying "Did I do that?" in an Urkel voice.

Adam: Haha. They were convicts anyways. They can’t even vote.

The Truman Show

Erich: You are an actor on a popular reality show whose lead doesn't know his entire life has been faked for TV. Do you perpetuate the deception, or let the poor schmuck in on the ruse?

Adam: Says the guy who maybe has never been unemployed. This one's easy. If lying to one guy keeps me in work, that motherfu**a ain't never learning the truth.


Erich: I always knew you were a Titan of Industry. I never knew you were a Wolf of Some Street in Chicago that Begins With "W." Cold, man. Cold.

Adam: Big Business!

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Adam: Mace Windu is about to kill Chancellor Palpatine. You know Palpatine is evil but he is the only one who might be able to save your girl, Padme. The only way to stop Windu is to help put him down and betray the Jedi.  What do you do?

Erich: Pull the ol' Jedi Pigeon Drop.

Adam: What is that? I'm intrigued. Does that mean you would shit on his head?

The Patriot


Erich: You are a British soldier, munching on hardtack and minding your own business, when Mel Gibson runs at you with a loaded musket and some disturbing views about Jews, minorities and women. What do you do?

Adam: Get panicked and run away. I don't think he'll be able to hide his disliking of me (ala Danny Glover all those years) once he realizes I'm one of the chosen ones.

Erich: 1776 Gibson sure had it good, vis-a-vis social acceptance of bigotry and the not-yet-invented-ness of recording devices.

The Fast and the Furious

Adam: You are Brian O' Conner. You can either arrest Dominic Toretto and do your job as a cop or live in disgrace and let him go. What do you do?

Erich: Let him go and let everyone think I'm a bad cop – which I probably would be because I have flat feet and wouldn't even be able to pass the entrance exam.

Adam: You should look into orthotics. Maybe you'd get back the curvature of your heel and then in turn not be a terrible cop.

There's Something About Mary

Erich: You are Ted Stroehmann, a man so obsessed with his high school crush he hires a private detective to track her down years later. Sick of the lies you told to win her back, you are given the chance to reunite her with NFL quarterback and dick pic enthusiast Brett Favre. What do you do?

Adam: Nope. There's no deference when it comes to love. Why should Brett Favre get my girl? If anyone is going to sack my boo, it's me. That should be on a shirt, dangling balls optional.


Erich: I think I've seen that shirt at Spencer's Gifts. The dangling balls were NOT optional.

Jurassic Park

Adam: You are in a Jeep that is sitting behind another Jeep with children being attacked by a T-Rex. What do you do?

Erich: Put on some mirror shades and make a siren noise so the T-Rex thinks he's being pulled over. If that doesn't work, I'd pull the ol' T-Rex Pigeon Drop.

Adam: Haha. T-Rexs’ HATE cops. They are like Leo Donowitz's bodyguard in True Romance.

The Rock

Erich: You are nervous chemist Dr. Stanley Goodspeed, recruited to help stop a rogue General from launching a nerve gas attack on San Francisco. After sharing a series of harrowing events with a suave convict, you have the chance to send him back to prison or help him escape. What do you do?

Adam: Send his ass back to prison. He's still a convict. Never trust a snake. Honestly, it would depend on how nice he is to me. He can be suave but if he's like Robert Downey Jr sauve, he's toast. If he's Patrick Wilson suave, I would look the other way. If it's Connery, I would let him go out of fear he would kill me.

Erich: Nice one...NARC. Snitches get stitches, Junior.