Snow Queen (2012)Quick Thoughts:So I picked this one out expecting this to be a Frozen ripoff but then realized after watching it, its actually from 2012- a full year before Frozen came out so wait did Frozen steal from this movie (Conspiratyploitation?!) This was a Russian production that on an animation level isnt THAT bad but lacks that finesse expected from the big guys at Dreamworks and Disney. The voice over acting is laughably bad along with the ho hum storyline although one positive I will throw this film is a crazy last ten mins which involves ice giants, ice wolves and a pissed off coca cola polar bear.8 Word Review:Ice queen has Day After Tomorrow freezing powers!
I meant to say Conspiracyploitation, my apologies
Frozen was in the works for many years. Even whilst they were finishing Tangled they were storyboarding ideas for it so it is fair to say that this still counts as a Frozen rip-off. 'Disney are doing the snow queen? Let's do it before they release mwhaha' (twats).
Starcrash (1978)This is not a good film. But it’s also kind of wonderful, because everyone in it commits 100% to the cheesiness. The film is clearly an attempt to cash in on Star Wars, but it has more in common with epic adventure films like Jason and the Argonauts (it even has a giant metal golem come to life and attack our heroes, like Talos in that film). There’s so much goofiness to choose from: a robot with a Texas drawl, spaceships attacked by a lava lamp, Joe Spinell chewing giant chunks of scenery, and Marjoe Gortner knowing things he shouldn’t know, because his character apparently read the screenplay. Let’s not forget David Hasselhoff as Christopher Plummer’s son – that’s right, an Austrian count gave birth to a hunky California lifeguard. And then the music score by…John Barry??!? That’s like John Williams composing the score for Sharknado. Even if you’re not on board for this kind of thing, it’s worth watching to hear Plummer shout, “Imperial Battleship! Halt the flow of time!” Or Caroline Munroe floating adrift in space, trying to get rescued by Hasselhoff in a spaceship by shouting “Simon! I’m over here!”
I don't agree with the first sentence of your review, but otherwise, this is a great description of everything that's awesome about this movie.
THE PUMAMAN (1980) on VHS.No, not the instant-classic "MST3K" episode (which also rules). I'm talking the real-deal Italian "Superman" ripoff in all its badly-rear projected, Donald Pleasence-wasting, soundtrack-from-hell sounding, shitty-looking infamy. You will a man can fly... sideways/upside down/perpendicular with his ass sticking up, and that a Casio keyboard can produce a superhero-worthy theme song... for me to poop on! I won't even try to describe the plot (the producers didn't think it through, so why should I do it for them?) except that it trips and stumbles upon the basic templates of an origin story about a white dude named Tony (Walter George Alton) that is chosen by an Aztec dude named Vadinho (Miguel Ángel Fuentes, giving the closest the movie has to a sincere performance) to put on a belt that turns whoever wears it into The Pumaman. With the ability to see in the dark (i.e. red filter on the camera), "fly" through the air (rear-projection so bad you'd think the "Superman" being ripped off was the one from the 50's), display amazing feats of strength (as in 'stuntman hits the trampolins on cue') and offend anybody's fashion sense with Khaki pants as part of his superhero outfit, Puma Man and Vadinho set out to stop evil criminal Kobras (Pleasence, his face permanently frozen in a 'what the fuck am I doing here?' smirk) from using hypnotic masks to take over the world... or something to that effect. And a pretty blonde girl (Sydne Rome) is kidnapped, because, eh, movie trope. Oh, and apparently Aztecs were Gods or something. The End.With or without Mike and the bots "The Pumaman" is a laugh riot, a superhero movie so inept and ridiculous it becomes it's own set-up, punchline and object or ridicule in one fell swoop. That it's made so straight and without irony (even the comic relief guy that's in and out in two scenes stinks) only adds to the movie's unintentional joy and legendary lore. This 10 min. YouTube review of "Puma Man" is all you need to see if you're not a MiSTie or a fan of terrible good movies (because if you are you already know about "Puma Man").Is it July yet? Junesploitation! is becoming as bad as Scary Movie Month in the 'I'm loving it but I can't wait for this to be over' scale.
I only know Pumaman through the MST3K version, which means every time I see Pumaman fly I hear Tom Servo singing "When will he find love...Pumamaaaan." My favorite thing about this movie is that Vadinho "tests" various people to see if they are "the one" by just throwing their ass out a window and seeing if they survive. Did Mr. Glass from Unbreakable get the idea for his evil plot from this movie?
And yet, despite the fact Vadinho is basically a serial murderer of innocents whose sin was not being worthy of becoming Pumamans, we still like him and kind-of root for him. Maybe it's just because Miguel Ángel Fuentes projects such honesty (like The Rock's slightly-slow distant cousin or something) but, honestly, after just rewatching it the fact he kills innocents didn't even cross my mind. :-)
Starcrash (1978)Wow, what a glorious production.I just loved how the writer constantly assumes that every character and every moment has such weight and emotional investment so that every little thing that happens can be played as significant or as resonating deeply based on our affection for these characters we just met, and that there is the belief that tension can be built in the time of a quick cut before the situation is resolved. The perfect blend between, I Dont Know What The Fuck Im Doing Film-making, and, I Dont Give A Fuck What Happens Film-making.Itsnotalightsabersploitation
Transmorphers (2007)Because when you think of mockbusters you think Transmorphers. But you should never think Transmorphers.What a piece of crap. This movie takes itself way too seriously. It should have realised what it was and committed to it, like the rest of this review FarpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurparpiburgglebummpurthhhhhflurpFuckthisploitation
I love that review Brad!
The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck (1988) MUST SEE POSTERDavid Keith followed up his brilliant performance in "White of the Eye" with this rated R sort-of USA up all night, skinimax Indiana Jones rip-off. He also directs this film! Poor guy. Keith is playing a mishmash of Indy, Jack Burton and Michael Douglas from Romancing the Stone. He's a drunk, shit talking, take nothing serious "adventurer" (never knew that was a profession) who is hired by a couple to take them on a hunting expedition in the jungle. They run into this cannibal tribe along the way and the chief of the tribe wants something from Buck and also want's the girl to be his own. Not as fun as I hoped although the Keith kept my interest because it looked like he was having a blast playing this guy. There is a famous scene where Kathy Shower is rubbed in oil by the woman of the tribe from head to toe. If I were 14 again I probably would have taped this and worn out the VHS at this scene.
Being recorded/projected in Ultra Stereo (because, you know, Dolby is for rich people) is such a sign your low-budget movie belongs in Junesploitation! :-)
HA! No doubt. "Hi Fi" ultra stereo, mind you!
GREAT choice for today. I saw this movie opening night IN A THEATER. It actually opened at the $1 second-run theater and a friend's mom brought a group of us 11-year olds to see it for his birthday sleepover. I wonder when she realized it might not have been appropriate.
The woman in the poster looks bored
Patrick - that is amazing you got to see this in the theater!
Atlantic Rim (2013)I had precisely two moments of genuine surprise while watching this one. The first surprise stemmed from learning that Graham Greene has never been divorced. Since alimony payments are the only reasonable excuse I can imagine for appearing in this bargain-basement nonsense, I have no idea whatsoever what he's doing here. The second, much larger surprise is that Greene gives arguably the worst performance in the movie. The man is out-acted by Treach from Naughty By Nature. Treach. Let that sink in for a moment. Greene's performance consists almost entirely of sleepily barking "get [character/organization] on the horn!" I swear he uses "on the horn" at least a dozen times throughout the movie. This is legitimately the most interesting thing about this movie in which giant bad-CGI robots take on giant bad-CGI monsters (for about 10 minutes of screentime, the other 70 minutes are flatly lit shots of bad actors arguing with each other). Take from that what you will.
I think we're finally in the same page as I assume an Asylum mock buster is an Asylum mock buster. They could be so good if they weren't solely playing for the ScyFy crowd. Have some fun dammit!
Sharknado (2013) - First "Viewing"This has been sitting on my DVR for almost a year now. I attempted to watch it back when it came out and found it too difficult. This category seemed like the perfect opportunity. I still couldn't do it. This is just terrible. I fast forwarded through 90% of this thing. Funny idea, a couple funny gags, but there are too many good movies out there to watch. Don't waste your time on this trash.
STAR WARS: THREADS OF DESTINY (2014) I know, I know, a fan film is a wholly different beast from a mockbuster, but this one deserves a shout-out no matter how you categorize. For a budget of just $6,000, this movie looks damn good, at times as good as anything from the prequels. And I love that it’s a full-length feature, rather than the “fake trailer” thing we only get from most fan films. There's a Jedi, a princess, a villain -- you know the drill. I mean, sure, some greenscreen effects are glaring, the acting is sometimes wooden, and there’s no humor, but the sheer ambition and love of movie-making on screen makes it a great watch. (Or, if you’re a Star Wars hater, which is most everyone these days, then there’s nothing here for you.)
Contamination (1980) FMS - Does this count? (Sorry I was limited with my choices today.) This is an obvious Alien rip off. The alternative title was Alien Contamination. It also takes the notoriety of the chest-buster scene and exploits it to larger usage and has the aliens hatch in slimy eggs. There is a very annoying fog horn noise that seems to sync with the egg breathing or something that started to get on my nerves. Was this meant to be scary or creepy? I don't think it works. In the first section of this film I was involved and enjoying the film but there are stretches of time where it is, unfortunately, slightly dull. The dubbing is very distracting and maybe kept me at a distance. *Spoilers for what the alien looks like* It reminded me a lot of the alien in It came from outer space, which makes me want to watch that movie again because I love it so much. I am glad I gave it a go, but it has a lack of ideas a long with its lack of funds.
Rapture-Palooza (2013)I don't think this is really a "mockbuster." It wasn't specifically ripping on anything in particular, but let's just say it was making fun of end of the world movies. Essentially, two teens (Anna Kendrick and John Francis Daley who I really just can't see as teenagers) survive the rapture, only to have to deal with the Antichrist (Craig Robinson). This sounded very promising but was ultimately rather dull. It was trying super hard to be funny, but everything felt flat. Even the look of the movie had a gray dullness to it.
Amityville 2: The Possession (1982)This may not be considered a mockbuster when stacked up against anything from the Asylum, but after watching this for the first time today, it's at LEAST a ripoff. Which, is really kind of the same thing. (shamelessly stealing an idea in order to cash in on a "buzz")Anyway, this flick was much better than I expected. I've always liked the original film, and now I can say the first 3 sequels.(I've recently watched parts 3 and 4 for the first time as well) None of them are great, but I enjoy them as a curiosity. It's fun to see how crazy this series went.Part 2 is fucking insane. There's an incestuous relationship between a brother and sister. An abusive husband and father who is shown to dominate his family with violence and drunken rage. A demonic voice coming through a walkman was fun too. Oh shit! I almost forgot the part where a PRIEST pistol whips a willing POLICE OFFICER. This movie manages to completely ripoff the Exorcist and still be completely entertaining anyway. As bizarre and derivative at times as this film is, it is probably the best sequel. It's got pretty good acting all around, and is crazy enough to keep you interested. It never gets sleepy, that's for sure.
Ghoulies II (1988, dir. Albert Band)The first Ghoulies was accused of being a Gremlins rip-off, but a) it was written before that movie came out and b) was mostly about devil worship and witchcraft. The sequel, directed by Charles Band's father, is the actual Gremlins imitator. Slimy little monsters invade a traveling carnival and wreak havoc. Unlike the gremlins in the Joe Dante movies, the ghoulies aren't just out to be mischievous and fun. They're all about first degree murder. Also, this movie is not very good.
The Man Who Saves the World aka Turkish Star Wars (1982) highlight reelI am very tired now. These were the two most whacked-out movies I've watched all month. Turkish begins with a montage of all the special effects sequences from the first Star Wars rear-projected over footage of this movie's heroes and with new narration explaining that in the future Earth is protected by a layer of concentrated human brain waves (I think?) The rest of the movie is shot in a canyon. A wizard who survives on the blood of human beings is looking for a lightning bolt shaped sword and a brain in a box that will give him "spiritual immortality" (he has already achieved "physical immortality.") He controls mummies and robots and red bigfoots and guys in devil and fu manchu Halloween masks, and our horny middle aged hero kicks and punches them all. Music from Indiana Jones is used constantly.Shocking Dark aka Terminator II (1989) trailer / full movieI usually love stuff like this, but I was bored to death by this one. It may be called Terminator II (two years before the actual Terminator 2,) but it's mostly a remake of Aliens, complete with a Newt substitute and what look like frog monsters instead of Giger style aliens. The fake Terminator doesn't really show up til the last fifteen minutes. The whole thing is set in a factory or something. Everybody but fake Sigourney Weaver and fake Newt die, and they escape at the end by randomly finding a time machine!!! (Time travel is never even mentioned in the movie before this scene.) From Bruno Mattei (Women's Prison Massacre), and was shot in English, so it was kind of neat to see what an Italian horror movie is like when it's not in Italian (i.e. maybe actually even more confusing.)