by Melissa Uhrin
Especially when travelling into another country with your mom! Next week we are piling up the car and driving south to Great Falls, Montana. Hooray!
How do you prepare for your next big adventure? I tend to find as many films as possible on the topic and cram them into my face until it bleeds.
...Is that not the norm?
A few tips I noted while watching some road trip gems:
Should we come across a donkey pooping on the side of the road, perhaps it's best to look past it and enjoy the view. (Beavis and Butthead Do America)
Unless I wish to crash into something and go flying out of the car and into the awaiting arms of a brain hungry zombie, I will abide by the rules. Rule # 4: Fasten your seatbelt. (Zombieland)
As the navigator extraordinaire, it is my job to guide us front point A to point B without any huge detours. Therefore, driving five hours in the wrong direction to discover the Rocky Mountains aren't as rocky as we expected is most likely not going to happen... hopefully. (Dumb and Dumber)
Ride sharing is only fine if the people that come along can properly spell California. (Kalifornia)
We will do our best to avoid ordering French toast and sending it back should it initially be served with our nemesis, powdered sugar. I will lick that shit off and cram in down MY OWN pants should I feel the desire to get nasty with my foods. (Road Trip)
Dingy looking bars? Or maybe just the precursor to dooooooom. Something tells me nothing ends a happy road trip like holding my moms’ hand as we drive off a cliff while being chased by Harvey Keitel. (Thelma and Louise)
A license plate speaks volumes to the owner of the vehicle. BEATNGU for instance, tells me it's time to turn around and go home. (Jeepers Creepers)
CB radios and pranking angry truckers go together like Candy Canes and ripped off jaws. (Joyride)
We will not be picking up hitchhikers! They will never understand you and could potentially assume we mean to murder them. (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)
Alternatively, the aforementioned hitching guest could try to sell us on his idea of 7 Minutes Abs... Which sounds so more enticing than 8 Minute Abs, does it not? Sign me up buddy, I don't want to wake up murdered tomorrow. (There's Something About Mary)
No no no no. I don't care how pretty the scenic route through a nuclear testing site may be, we will be sticking with the main route. 'Cause mutants. (The Hills Have Eyes 1977)
AVOID ALL TRUCKSTOPS
SIDE NOTE: I DO NOT HAVE A BB GUN.
Speaking of amusement parks and chaos, zombies can and will climb the Tower of Terror: AVOID ALL AMUSEMENT PARKS. (Zombieland)
Running away from people with a maniacal laugh could keep us from becoming heads on sticks. (Wolf Creek)
If we push as a team, we can get our stalled vehicle started once it hits 20 mph. However, I don't think my legs will pump that fast. (Little Miss Sunshine)
And finally, coming from a childhood where our Dad would stress himself to no end to ensure that every minute of every adventure we embarked on was perfect, I feel it's pretty safe to say that the trip itself is more important than the destination. My Dad = The Great Clark Griswold. Which means that nine times out of ten, everything goes to shit, but our responses to the shit have the ability to make or break our adventure.
"I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole. " Heh. Just as great 20 years later.