Thursday, August 4, 2016

My Essential Road Trip Guide

by Melissa Uhrin
The open road, adventures flying at you around every corner, not to mention stopping every twenty minutes to pee. Nothing beats a summer road trip.

Especially when travelling into another country with your mom! Next week we are piling up the car and driving south to Great Falls, Montana. Hooray!

How do you prepare for your next big adventure? I tend to find as many films as possible on the topic and cram them into my face until it bleeds.

...Is that not the norm?

A few tips I noted while watching some road trip gems:
Bates Motels: They exist. And I don't want to die. I'll try my luck in a Super 8 instead. (Psycho)

Should we come across a donkey pooping on the side of the road, perhaps it's best to look past it and enjoy the view. (Beavis and Butthead Do America)

Unless I wish to crash into something and go flying out of the car and into the awaiting arms of a brain hungry zombie, I will abide by the rules. Rule # 4: Fasten your seatbelt. (Zombieland)
The burgers at White Castle are worth having your car stolen and trashed by Neil Patrick Harris. (Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle)

As the navigator extraordinaire, it is my job to guide us front point A to point B without any huge detours. Therefore, driving five hours in the wrong direction to discover the Rocky Mountains aren't as rocky as we expected is most likely not going to happen... hopefully. (Dumb and Dumber)

Ride sharing is only fine if the people that come along can properly spell California. (Kalifornia)

We will do our best to avoid ordering French toast and sending it back should it initially be served with our nemesis, powdered sugar. I will lick that shit off and cram in down MY OWN pants should I feel the desire to get nasty with my foods. (Road Trip)

Dingy looking bars? Or maybe just the precursor to dooooooom. Something tells me nothing ends a happy road trip like holding my moms’ hand as we drive off a cliff while being chased by Harvey Keitel. (Thelma and Louise)

A license plate speaks volumes to the owner of the vehicle. BEATNGU for instance, tells me it's time to turn around and go home. (Jeepers Creepers)
Having lived in Saskatchewan and Australia, I am no stranger to funny place names. Laughing at road signs and town names is part of what makes a great trip and great trip! Beavis and Butthead taught me that "Butte," "Big Piney," and "Bald Knob" are funny to read, watch and write. (Beavis and Butthead Do America)

CB radios and pranking angry truckers go together like Candy Canes and ripped off jaws. (Joyride)

We will not be picking up hitchhikers! They will never understand you and could potentially assume we mean to murder them. (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Alternatively, the aforementioned hitching guest could try to sell us on his idea of 7 Minutes Abs... Which sounds so more enticing than 8 Minute Abs, does it not? Sign me up buddy, I don't want to wake up murdered tomorrow. (There's Something About Mary)

No no no no. I don't care how pretty the scenic route through a nuclear testing site may be, we will be sticking with the main route. 'Cause mutants. (The Hills Have Eyes 1977)

While deciding on our final destination and anticipating all the fun that shall ensue, it's probably best to ensure that such and such a place is open for business. Otherwise we might just have to go all crazy with a BB gun hang out with a SWAT team for a day! (National Lampoon's Vacation - the GOOD one)


Speaking of amusement parks and chaos, zombies can and will climb the Tower of Terror: AVOID ALL AMUSEMENT PARKS. (Zombieland)

Running away from people with a maniacal laugh could keep us from becoming heads on sticks. (Wolf Creek)

If we push as a team, we can get our stalled vehicle started once it hits 20 mph. However, I don't think my legs will pump that fast. (Little Miss Sunshine)
Taking a shortcut could potentially lead to a never-ending loop of death. (Dead End)

And finally, coming from a childhood where our Dad would stress himself to no end to ensure that every minute of every adventure we embarked on was perfect, I feel it's pretty safe to say that the trip itself is more important than the destination. My Dad = The Great Clark Griswold. Which means that nine times out of ten, everything goes to shit, but our responses to the shit have the ability to make or break our adventure.

"I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole. " Heh. Just as great 20 years later.

1 comment:

  1. Just want to say, I've noticed you have less comments than most here, but I really enjoy all of your articles. I gotta give a heyyy youuuhhh, so that you get some of the respect you deserve.

    Plus you've lived in Saskatchewan...a feat that few proudly proclaim. Cheers! Enjoy Montana, one of several states I've never visited, although passing close through Wyoming and Idaho, and Southern Alberta. If the the scenery is similar (likely), your in for a summer treat!