Monday, February 20, 2017

Riske Business: Random Thoughts on 2017 Movies (March-April)

by Adam Riske
I’m getting excited! There’s some cool stuff coming out in the next two months!!

Before I Fall looks like The Butterfly Effect if it starred Zoey Deutch. It’s not for me. The Butterfly Effect will always be my The Butterfly Effect. I’m not sure why I’m going so much to-bat for The Butterfly Effect right now. Look, I just don’t want to see Before I Fall.

• What is this? No one’s going to see this. #Leap!

Logan is getting great reviews (yes!) and looks amazing! I haven’t been this excited for an X-Men movie…ever. Plus it’s directed by James Mangold, who made The Wolverine, which is one of the best in the series.

The Shack looks like a real hoot. I’m kidding. It looks super depressing. It also seems very similar to Collateral Beauty. Patrick might see it because it stars Sam Worthington.

Table 19 will definitely be Rob DiCristino’s most anticipated movie of the year. Anna Kendrick deserves better than this movie. Seriously, what is this?
• I’m excited for Kong: Skull Island. The cast is incredible and I’m hoping (since they’ll have a mashup movie in 2020) that this King Kong is awesome so I can actively root for him and against Godzilla, whose 2014 movie SUCKED.

The Last Word looks revelatory. Shirley MacLaine is old and sassy but she has lessons to teach! Excuse me while I fold my body into itself.

• I’ll watch My Life as a Zucchini if I don’t have to leave my house. It looks cute enough.

• I’m curious enough about T2: Trainspotting to see it even if I don’t remember at all what I thought of the original movie. I liked the soundtrack a lot, though. Don’t do drugs.

• I like many Doug Liman movies but not enough to see The Wall. Gotta beef up that cast, bruh.

• I’m not sure what the point of a live-action remake for Beauty and the Beast is except to make money since the Disney animated film is pretty terrific but, you know, Emma Watson + Dan Stevens + Disney marketing machine = Adam Riske there on opening night. I’m their bitch. #TaleAsOldAsTime
• I’m in for The Belko Experiment. Good cast, written by James Gunn and a scary premise. Sold!

Free Fire looks like the biggest Yea/Nay movie. Yea: Brie Larson, Jack Reynor (because Sing Street), fun premise. Nay: Sharlto Copley, Ben Wheatley. How was this not directed by Guy Ritchie?

Personal Shopper seems spooky and interesting and I’m always curious to see a Kristen Stewart movie (never thought I’d say that a few years ago). I just need to make sure Patrick doesn’t buy all of the tickets (or on-demands all of the videos).

• There’s no chance I’m going to be able to see Raw. I could barely get through the red band trailer. It’s like all of my cross-the-line gross-out stuff rolled into one movie.

CHiPS looks like War on Everyone if all the jokes were about dicks. Dax Shepard is just not my thing.

Life looks super generic but I’d like to think there’s something special there otherwise why would Jake Gyllenhaal (who usually has really good quality control) be in it?
Power Rangers seems like they just took Chronicle and mashed it together with Transformers. This property will never be cool so I’m not sure trying to make it hip is going to work. I’d rather watch the movie from 1995, which at least knew how dumb it was.

• I’ll wait and see the reaction on Song to Song. I like the cast quite a bit (Ryan Gosling, Rooney Mara, Michael Fassbender and Natalie Portman) and the premise seems interesting, but it’s Terrence Malick so he can no longer be trusted.

• I’m absolutely going to see Wilson. Whenever Woody Harrelson plays a loser it is comedic gold. Plus, Laura Dern! I mean, c’mon!

• I’m sorry parents. #The Boss Baby

• Ok, so…Ghost in the Shell. I totally understand and sympathize with anyone wanting to skip this movie because of the whitewashing controversy. I can only speak for myself that it sucks, but it’s not going to keep me from seeing the movie which I think looks entertaining. I still need to catch up with the original animated film beforehand, too.

The Zookeeper’s Wife surely is well-intentioned and I like Jessica Chastain, but a movie about the Holocaust is a tough sell for me at the moment.

Colossal looks great and has a really cool concept. I think it’s smart for the unfairly-maligned imo Anne Hathaway to be doing a movie where she plays a monster. I like her. I dunno.

• The trailer for Going in Style gets laughs every time I’ve seen it with an audience. Nothing upsets me more than that. It looks soooooo lazy and bad. Glad to see Morgan Freeman has gone from The Bucket List to The Fuck It List. Zach Braff directed this?

• I don’t have kids, so there is no reason for me to see Smurfs: The Lost Village. Anyone remember Smurf-Berry Crunch cereal from the ‘80s? It was great!

Gifted is the latest drama from director Marc Webb and the folks at Fox Searchlight. Movies used to be for me but I’m not sure if they are anymore.

• There’s so much to discuss regarding The Fate of the Furious. Here are nine observations I have thus far:
1. Is Dom evil (alternate title: Evil Dom: Dead by Dom) because his original crew are all gone except for Letty? I mean, that’s gotta drag a guy down, right?
2. Watching the trailer makes me miss Paul Walker even more than I do watching Furious 7.
3. It says of IMDB that the movie will run 2 hours and 40 minutes. G-D if you’re listening, thank you.
4. I will see this movie at least twice in the first 24 hours of its release.
5. Jason Statham is lame. I wish he wasn’t in my franchise.
6. Kurt Russell rules.
7. “I will beat you like a Cherokee drum” will never not make me smile.
8. Roman Pierce knocking a bad guy off of a snowmobile with a car door is maybe the greatest thing I’ve seen all 2017.
9. Vin Diesel should star in a remake of Never Been Kissed because when Charlize Theron kisses him it looks like he’s never kissed someone before.
The Lost City of Z stars Charlie Hunnam and is directed by James Gray. Excuse me for a second while I drink this contaminated coal water.

• I’ve never seen any of the Disney Nature movies, but I might finally go to one with Born in China. Pandas are cool. Who am I kidding? I’ll never see this.

• Have you seen the preview for Unforgettable starring Rosario Dawson (what is she doing in this?) and Katherine Heigl (it makes perfect sense that she is in this)? This is the type of movie that makes me immediately agree with the “movies are on the decline, television is better” crowd. Ugh! Also, how was this not made by Screen Gems?

• I like Tom Hanks. I like Emma Watson. I have really liked the last two movies from director James Ponsoldt. I’m still not sure about The Circle, though. It sorta looks like Antitrust.


  1. - Obviously looking forward to Logan. Every X-men movie has been a very mixed bag to me but this one at least seems to drop the shambles of the franchise's continuity in the service of making a good movie.

    - T2: Trainspotting. Boyle is one of my top 5 favorite directors. I'm absolutely going to watch this.

    - Life is sci-fi and it doesn't look horrible so I'll probably watch it.

    - I don't really have much desire to watch Ghost in the Shell because I watched the original Ghost in the Shell and didn't care much for that either. I'm not much of an anime guy aside from Miyazaki's stuff, and live action anime adaptations hold about as much appeal to me as live action Disney remakes apparently do for Patrick.

    - Speaking of, I will watch Beauty and the Beast. Zero interest in Lion King though which will probably be even less live action than the Jungle Book remake since that at least had one human character.

    - Every joke in the Going in Style trailer is "hey, these guys are really old". Morgan Freeman was doing movies about being too old for this shit 25 years ago in stuff like Unforgiven. Somehow despite being a quarter of a century older now he's somehow doing worse movies about being an old man.

    - The Belko Experiment looks good. Gunn. Rooker. Yep.

    - All Wilson needed to hook me was Greer, Dern, and Harrelson.

    - I still can't believe after those second two Fast and the Furious movies that they somehow were able to turn this franchise into something I actually look forward to. Of course I'm going to watch The Fate of the Furious.

    - I kinda want to watch Born in China because I'm a sucker for animals but I'll probably watch Free Fire first that week because I'm a sucker for Larson, Murphy, and Reynor.

    - Kong: Skull Island has done nothing to grab my attention but I'm ready for them to prove me wrong.

  2. Logan is prob my most anticipated movie this year, after John Wick 2 and Lego Batman, both of which I loved. If it's as good as they say it is, my top three most anticipated movies of the year will be disappointment free!

    Kong: Skull Island trailers didn't do it for me until I saw one yesterday before The Great Wall. John C Reilly is reason enough for me to see this one.

    Oh, The Fate of the Furious. I love the whole series and will probably like this one, but every time I see the trailer I get a little more nervous.

    Me and my partner made a pact not to support the Beauty and the Beast remake. We will probably go opening night.

    Ghost in the Shell looks AWESOME. Actually watching The Great Wall demonstrated that all the talk of whitewashing in that movie was greatly exaggerated. It looks way more prevalent in GitS, but it is still a crazy looking action movie with a female protagonist so I don't feel too bad wanting to see this crazy bad.

    I hate myself but I'm one of those people that laughs at the Going in Style trailer. I may see this alone on a Friday morning when I have a day off.

    I'm in for Free Fire, The Belko Experiment, Raw, and Collosal.

    I think I'm out for T2 and I'm not entirely sure why. Something about it just kinda irks me.

  3. oh man, oh man, i've already seen a couple of things in that list. i wish i could tell you about them

    1. Like if they're good or bad? Do it. Reply as Anonymous :-)

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. there's also a few more that i could watch, but i'm not that interested in them

      but, i wish i could give you BIG hints, but i'm too HIGH.

      and it's good

  4. Ten year old me wants to fight you. The original Power Rangers tv show was SO cool in his mind!

    1. wouldn't want to fight 10 year old me. I ran with a much worse gang back then called Karate Blood. We looked for trouble.

    2. You're right. You could probably take me, haha. Oh well, ten year old me is ready to go out trick-or-treating in his White Ranger costume anyway.

    3. 2017 you and I > 10 year old versions of you and I

  5. You don't remember anything about the original Trainspotting movie? Joking, right?

    I could do without a T2, but absolutely have confidence that Boyle will do something interesting with it.

    1. Nope. I saw Trainspotting once when it first came out on video. Outside of trailer moments I remember very little.

    2. That's okay. We all have little gems that we love and can rewatch repeatedly. I always end up watching Trainspotting a couple times a year. It usually begins with me getting one of the songs from the movie in my head, and watch the movie later that evening.

  6. I'm the only person who will ever value Anna Kendrick the way she deserves to be valued. Fuck Hollywood.

  7. Bad news: I have, in fact, already bought out every showing of Personal Shopper. Ya burnt, everyone.

    1. Well I just bought all the Blu-rays of Burnt. Check mate.

  8. So Adam's nice post propelled me to watch the trailer for the Power Ranger movie. WTF was that? That didn't look or feel anything like Power Rangers.

    So to make up for it, I watched the '95 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers with the kids, and it was a blast! As always. May Dulcea be in my dreams tonight.

  9. Logan, Kong: Skull Island, The Belko Experiment, Free Fire, Life, Ghost in the shell, Colossal, The Fate of the Furious, The Lost City of Z – I will kick myself if I don´t watch them on the big screen.

    Before I Fall, T2: Trainspotting, The Wall, Personal Shopper, Raw, Wilson; The Zookeepers´Wife and The Circle are also possible contenders for a visit at the local cinema.

    Everything else has to wait for a bluray release, except for Going In Style, Smurfs: The Lost Village and Unforgettable. I´m pretty sure that I will be successful in avoiding to watch those movies for my remaining lifespan.

  10. If there's any franchise that cries out for a Jump Street-style self-aware goofing of its own rebooting, it's Power Rangers. Trying to take it even a little bit seriously can only end in suffering.