by Adam Riske
• Before I Fall looks like The Butterfly Effect if it starred Zoey Deutch. It’s not for me. The Butterfly Effect will always be my The Butterfly Effect. I’m not sure why I’m going so much to-bat for The Butterfly Effect right now. Look, I just don’t want to see Before I Fall.
• What is this? No one’s going to see this. #Leap!
• Logan is getting great reviews (yes!) and looks amazing! I haven’t been this excited for an X-Men movie…ever. Plus it’s directed by James Mangold, who made The Wolverine, which is one of the best in the series.
• The Shack looks like a real hoot. I’m kidding. It looks super depressing. It also seems very similar to Collateral Beauty. Patrick might see it because it stars Sam Worthington.
• Table 19 will definitely be Rob DiCristino’s most anticipated movie of the year. Anna Kendrick deserves better than this movie. Seriously, what is this?
2014 movie SUCKED.
• The Last Word looks revelatory. Shirley MacLaine is old and sassy but she has lessons to teach! Excuse me while I fold my body into itself.
• I’ll watch My Life as a Zucchini if I don’t have to leave my house. It looks cute enough.
• I’m curious enough about T2: Trainspotting to see it even if I don’t remember at all what I thought of the original movie. I liked the soundtrack a lot, though. Don’t do drugs.
• I like many Doug Liman movies but not enough to see The Wall. Gotta beef up that cast, bruh.
• I’m not sure what the point of a live-action remake for Beauty and the Beast is except to make money since the Disney animated film is pretty terrific but, you know, Emma Watson + Dan Stevens + Disney marketing machine = Adam Riske there on opening night. I’m their bitch. #TaleAsOldAsTime
• Free Fire looks like the biggest Yea/Nay movie. Yea: Brie Larson, Jack Reynor (because Sing Street), fun premise. Nay: Sharlto Copley, Ben Wheatley. How was this not directed by Guy Ritchie?
• Personal Shopper seems spooky and interesting and I’m always curious to see a Kristen Stewart movie (never thought I’d say that a few years ago). I just need to make sure Patrick doesn’t buy all of the tickets (or on-demands all of the videos).
• There’s no chance I’m going to be able to see Raw. I could barely get through the red band trailer. It’s like all of my cross-the-line gross-out stuff rolled into one movie.
• CHiPS looks like War on Everyone if all the jokes were about dicks. Dax Shepard is just not my thing.
• Life looks super generic but I’d like to think there’s something special there otherwise why would Jake Gyllenhaal (who usually has really good quality control) be in it?
• I’ll wait and see the reaction on Song to Song. I like the cast quite a bit (Ryan Gosling, Rooney Mara, Michael Fassbender and Natalie Portman) and the premise seems interesting, but it’s Terrence Malick so he can no longer be trusted.
• I’m absolutely going to see Wilson. Whenever Woody Harrelson plays a loser it is comedic gold. Plus, Laura Dern! I mean, c’mon!
• I’m sorry parents. #The Boss Baby
• Ok, so…Ghost in the Shell. I totally understand and sympathize with anyone wanting to skip this movie because of the whitewashing controversy. I can only speak for myself that it sucks, but it’s not going to keep me from seeing the movie which I think looks entertaining. I still need to catch up with the original animated film beforehand, too.
• The Zookeeper’s Wife surely is well-intentioned and I like Jessica Chastain, but a movie about the Holocaust is a tough sell for me at the moment.
• Colossal looks great and has a really cool concept. I think it’s smart for the unfairly-maligned imo Anne Hathaway to be doing a movie where she plays a monster. I like her. I dunno.
• The trailer for Going in Style gets laughs every time I’ve seen it with an audience. Nothing upsets me more than that. It looks soooooo lazy and bad. Glad to see Morgan Freeman has gone from The Bucket List to The Fuck It List. Zach Braff directed this?
• I don’t have kids, so there is no reason for me to see Smurfs: The Lost Village. Anyone remember Smurf-Berry Crunch cereal from the ‘80s? It was great!
• Gifted is the latest drama from director Marc Webb and the folks at Fox Searchlight. Movies used to be for me but I’m not sure if they are anymore.
• There’s so much to discuss regarding The Fate of the Furious. Here are nine observations I have thus far:
1. Is Dom evil (alternate title: Evil Dom: Dead by Dom) because his original crew are all gone except for Letty? I mean, that’s gotta drag a guy down, right?
2. Watching the trailer makes me miss Paul Walker even more than I do watching Furious 7.
3. It says of IMDB that the movie will run 2 hours and 40 minutes. G-D if you’re listening, thank you.
4. I will see this movie at least twice in the first 24 hours of its release.
5. Jason Statham is lame. I wish he wasn’t in my franchise.
6. Kurt Russell rules.
7. “I will beat you like a Cherokee drum” will never not make me smile.
8. Roman Pierce knocking a bad guy off of a snowmobile with a car door is maybe the greatest thing I’ve seen all 2017.
9. Vin Diesel should star in a remake of Never Been Kissed because when Charlize Theron kisses him it looks like he’s never kissed someone before.
• I’ve never seen any of the Disney Nature movies, but I might finally go to one with Born in China. Pandas are cool. Who am I kidding? I’ll never see this.
• Have you seen the preview for Unforgettable starring Rosario Dawson (what is she doing in this?) and Katherine Heigl (it makes perfect sense that she is in this)? This is the type of movie that makes me immediately agree with the “movies are on the decline, television is better” crowd. Ugh! Also, how was this not made by Screen Gems?
• I like Tom Hanks. I like Emma Watson. I have really liked the last two movies from director James Ponsoldt. I’m still not sure about The Circle, though. It sorta looks like Antitrust.