52/82: The Ranking

 by Anthony King

It is finished.

This list is obviously definitive. Also, this ranking only pertains to the 52 movies I watched and doesn't include masterpieces like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, E.T., or The Thing.

52. Girls Night Out – The lone movie on this list without a Letterboxd heart.
51. Penitentiary II – More furious, bald Ernie Hudson; less boxing.
50. The Plague Dogs – By far the most depressing movie on this list.
49. Blood Song – Remember Frankie Avalon hunting a blind girl?
48. Hey Good Lookin' – The best animated movie on this list.
47. The Forest – The guy with the rocking chair and lamp in a cave.
46. Firefox – So much talking, so little brain-controlled jet.
45. Butterfly – Number 45 in the ultimate ranking, but number one on the incest list.
44. Beach Girls – Boobs.
43. The Challenge – Scott Glenn's Bad Haircut: The Movie.
42. Forbidden World – Boobs in space.
41. Eating Raoul – I just want to watch Paul Bartel buy a dildo for two hours.
40. Trapped – Henry Silva gets tarred and feathered. I think.
39. The Incubus – Better than the band.
38. Night Beast – The highlight from my shitty Baltimore horrorthon.
37. Kill Squad – Cameron Mitchell appearance one!
36. Timerider: The Adventures of Lyle Swann – The sweaty, time-traveling motorcyclist.
35. The Sender – Apparently it gave me chills. I don't remember. Oops.
34. Britannia Hospital – Boring British classism meets Frankenstein.
33. Manhattan Baby – The New York archeologist who got his kids possessed.
32. Turkey Shoot – Ozploitation Running Man with the weird werewolf guy.
31. Raw Force – Cameron Mitchell appearance two! It got better as I wrote about it.
30. Dreams Don't Die – The kid escapes Witch Mountain to graffiti NYC subways.
29. Knight Rider: Knight of the Phoenix – Television show. Still counts!
28. Hotline – Lynda Carter and heavy breathers.
27. The Entity – Want to hear a ghost use the C word?
26. Silent Rage – The greatest love-making montage of all time. No sex involved.
25. The Border – One of 10,000 movies in the 80s centered around the U.S.-Mexico border.
24. The New York Ripper – We all need a little sleeze in our lives.
23. Amityville II: The Possession – The Exorcist III, Part 1.
22. Missing – A laugh and a riot. As funny as bamboo under the fingernails.
21. The Soldier – Ken Waal versus an exploding lightbulb.
20. Forty Deuce – Kevin Bacon wants to hustle you in a disgusting Times Square hotel room.
19. Split Image – James Woods is unstable. Peter Fonda has no eyebrows.
18. Tempest – Come for Cassavetes doing Shakespeare. Stay for Sarandon singing Lymon.
17. Barbarosa – Willie Nelson is the highest gun in the west.
16. The Escape Artist – Griffin O'Neal vs. Raul Julia in a battle of wits.
15. Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker – Spoke too soon. This is number one on the incest list.
14. The Man From Snowy River – So beautiful. Plus prospector Kirk Douglas with a peg-leg.
13. I Ought to Be in Pictures – Still searching for those pants that got charmed off.
12. The Grey Fox – The movie that turned me into an old man. (That's a compliment.)
11. Vice Squad – Long live Neon Badges. (Hint, hint.)
10. Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean – Karen Black's penis.
9. Cannery Row – Starring Nick Nolte's glorious mustache.
8. Summer Lovers – Loved it so much I bought it. For educational purposes.
7. Chan Is Missing – Now in the Criterion Collection. Obviously thanks to me.
6. The Fan – Legend says you can still hear the echoes of me screaming, “WHAT?!?!”
5. Deathtrap – I Did Not See That Coming: The Movie.
4. Night Shift – The theme song lives in me. It's literally playing in my head right now.
3. First Blood – John Rambo, wrap me in your big, sweaty arms like a warm blanket.
2. Tootsie – Judge all you want: Dorothy Michaels is sexy.
1. My Favorite Year – And not just because of recency bias.