Monday, November 20, 2023

Random Thoughts on Holiday Movie Ads

by Adam Riske
I used to love newspaper ads for movies around the holidays! Let’s revisit some!

My Stepmother is an Alien
• So Columbia Pictures decided to sell My Stepmother is an Alien to audiences at Christmas by suggesting they share in Dan Aykroyd’s good fortune of getting laid?

• Why does Michael Medved say Kim Basinger will make you forget E.T.? It’s like we’re also to assume he lusted for E.T. for six years until My Stepmother is an Alien bailed him out. If I asked Michael Medved about E.T. in 2023 (which I plan on doing), would he not know what it is because Kim Basinger made him forget about it?

Steel Magnolias
• The perfect gift for the holidays, my ass. They’re leaving out that before Julia Roberts was Pretty Woman, she was a Pretty Dead Woman by the end of this slice of holiday cheer.

• Tri-Star Pictures is trying to convince everyone that the movie is 1/6 about Daryl Hannah being the highest jumping Magnolia, 1/6 about Sally Field lifting her skirt like Marilyn Monroe, and 1/6 about Shirley MacLaine as a tree.

Look Who’s Talking Too!
• The Damon Wayans kid is like “AAARRGGH! Get me out of this tree!” and the Roseanne Barr kid is all “TADA!”
• ‘Tis the season to be laughing’ is incredible. It’s so lame that it circles back around and became amazing again. It sounds like something I would say in a pitch meeting as a joke and be horrified when the boss is like “I like it! Real schmaltz. It plays!”

My Girl
• First off, My Girl is a great movie BUT by the time Christmas 1991 rolled around, people were hip to the fact that Macaulay Culkin’s Thomas J. dies of bee stings at the end of the movie. Why are they still trying to trick people? “Spend Christmas with Two of the Brightest Stars of the Holidays!” You gotta prepare people, yo! Couldn’t they have added an alternate ending for Christmas where Thomas J. was recruited by Santa to the North Pole and that’s what happened instead? I’m still not over this.
• I like that the tagline says to “Spend Christmas with two of the brightest stars of the holidays” and then the Santa hats on Culkin and Anna Chlumsky have stars on it, so we’re not confused who they mean.

• Also, what’s up with Gene Shalit’s pull quote of “Millions of Americans will wish she (Anna Chlumsky) were their girl.” You mean children right, Gene? This is worse than the bees. Also, why did Thomas J. have to die from bees? He can’t see without his glasses. Now I’m crying.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
• “The Best Christmas Movie Ever” – Pat Collins, WWOR TV New York. You can’t just say words. I’m a dyed in the wool Chris Columbus defender but even I wouldn’t dare posit that opinion.
• How did they get the hat on the Statue of Liberty? I buy they got her to make the screaming face but getting the hat on through her spikes is a stretch.

Beethoven’s 2nd
• Why do the dogs look so pissed?
• Is St. Nick meeting St. Bernard a showdown of significance?

• “The Day I Fall in Love” by Dolly Parton and James Ingram is a jam. It should have been nominated for Best Original Song at the Golden Globes. I love at the 1:38 mark when Dolly Parton passionately sings “Roll over Beethoven! Won’t you play with me?!” and then at 2:42 James Ingram belts “I’ll BE YOUR BEETHOVEN!”

• I like when film studios just decide a non-Christmas movie is now a Christmas movie. Does Swingers have a Christmas scene in it? I can’t remember.
• Also, why are they calling it “…the holiday season’s comedy smash”? It opened in October and only grossed $4.6M at the box office. Swingers’ legacy began later on home video from my recollection.

• Also, what’s with the line at the bottom of the ad: “It’s the most fun you’ll have at the movies…ask anyone who’s seen it”? At the time of this ad, how do you suggest common folks do that? Is there going to be a networking event where Swingers viewers will be there to mingle with filmgoers who haven’t taken the dive yet?

The Little Mermaid (1997 Re-Release)
• Who came up with this ad? “Because you love her.” She’s a mermaid! And a cartoon! Don’t normalize this. “Because you asked.” Who asked? You did this on your own accord, Disney! You wanted that money, honey. No one wrote you asking to bring back The Little Mermaid to theaters eight years after its original release.
• Why does it say at the bottom “Only in Theaters”? Did they take away everyone’s VHS copies and I just forgot about it?

Happy Holidays everyone!

1 comment:

  1. More like “spend Christmas weeping into your popcorn.”