'90s Kids Movie Club: WARRIORS OF VIRTUE

 by Adam Riske

A film that asks a lot of the viewer and mildly rewards its faithful.

I’ve been low-key fascinated by Warriors of Virtue ever since it was released in early May of 1997. When I saw the ads for it, I thought there was absolutely no way it was going to succeed in mainstream culture. It’s a down-the-middle fantasy film with no stars, distributed by bomb-maker MGM, and featuring five anthropomorphic kangaroos who are experts in martial arts. Surely, this movie is for no one and that hits me where I live & breathe, thus making Warriors of Virtue a little engine that could that I’ve been rooting for to no one for over 27 years.

The truth of the matter is that the movie’s not very good and yet I like it more than movies I think are actually very good. It’s a defect in me as a filmgoer. It’s the type of movie I’ll watch in multiple sittings because I’m bored but will also gladly buy its action figures when I find them on rare occasion in a vintage toy store. If this article were solving a mystery, I would try to unpack why I feel this way about Warriors of Virtue or even other movies like The Pagemaster and Star Kid, where the first 20 minutes is set up for how much of a dork our child protagonist is only for them to be transformed into a dork that now talks to cartoon books or can jump high in alien suit or is friends with kung fu kangaroos. But this article isn’t meant to be a therapy session or even advise people to check out Warriors of Virtue. So why am I here?

I guess it’s because I want to talk about bullshit. Specifically, movie bullshit. Storytelling is an interesting thing when you think about it, especially when it concerns world building. From my research, I see Warriors of Virtue wasn’t based on any previous property (like a comic book or cartoon series for example), but instead was based on a series of characters created by four siblings (Dennis K. Law, Ron Law, Christopher Law, and Jeremy Law) who were all physicians and had no prior filmmaking experience. They’re also named producers, which leads me to infer they put up some or most of the money to make the movie. I’ll give them this: they went hard on their characters, including:

• Ryan Jeffers, our child protagonist with a disabled leg
• Komodo, an evil warlord
• Master Chung, master of the kung fu kangaroos
• Mudflap, a dwarf-like creature
• Ming, the martial arts master owner of Ryan’s favorite Chinese restaurant
• Mosely, a talking rhinoceros
• Willy Beest, a talking cape buffalo and of course…
• Yun, a kangaroo – Warrior of Water and Virtue of Benevolence
• Yee, a kangaroo – Warrior of Metal and Virtue of Righteousness
• Lai, a kangaroo – Warrior of Wood and Virtue of Order
• Chi, a kangaroo – Warrior of Fire and Virtue of Wisdom
• Tsun, a kangaroo – Warrior of Earth and Virtue of Loyalty

Don’t you read this list of characters and just think “What the fuck is this? I have to see at least five minutes of it.” One of the best jokes in the movie is when one of the kangaroos is told to calm down and they reply that patience isn’t one of their virtues. It’s funny because wordplay and they have so many other virtues! Other great lines are “Do Not! Think! Thoughts!,” “Let’s make like Tom and cruise,” and when Komodo taunts the kangaroos in the third act by shouting “Warriors! Come out and Plaa-ayy!”

Once Ryan reaches the mystical world of Tao, every scene has dialogue like “wellspring” and “positive kung” and “negative kung” and “combining our kungs is the way to defeat Komodo” and “the newcomer is the only one who can read the manuscript.” It’s wall-to-wall bullshit. Ronny Yu (Bride of Chucky, Freddy vs, Jason) directs the film with what Robert Englund would call a “Hong Kong influence” which means the fight scenes are shot in blur-vision with speed ramping. It’s impressive as a calling card for his later Hollywood films (fight scenes aside), he elevates and dramatizes what probably seemed like impenetrable mythology on paper.

I’m not sure if the pitch of the performances is correct or not and I don’t think the cast was either. Some are giving performances out of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, some (e.g. the kangaroos, who make The Rippers from Tank Girl look like The Rat Pack) are playing it with drop-dead earnestness and others (like Tom Towles who appears as a villainous second-in-command) just seem to be there to collect a check and leave with their dignity intact. Like I said, this is a movie for no one and therein lies my fascination with it.

Did I mention the kid reaches Tao by an initiation prank gone wrong where he falls down a drain at a water plant? Did I mention Warren Moon has a cameo in this as a football coach? Did I mention that Dennis Dun (from Big Trouble in Little China) plays the restaurant owner who stops on a dime to impart Tao-lore to the kid? Why does a kid hang out in a kitchen of a Chinese restaurant every day? Was that an option when I was young that I just didn’t know about? Why is Marley Shelton in this? Why is Marley Shelton so pretty?

I guess the greatest compliment I can give Warriors of Virtue is that it makes you feel like Ryan Jeffers after he returns home from Tao. You’re in a little bit of a better mood, confused by what just happened, and can’t explain it to anyone except maybe your dog.