2K Replay: CONSTANTINE

 by Adam Riske

Nominated for “Best Hero” (Keanu Reeves) at the MTV Movie Awards. He lost to Uma Thurman in Kill Bill: Vol. 2

• Best Scene/Moment: Whenever Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) shows up. It injects what is usually a plodding movie with some needed energy.

• Best Song: “Take Five” by the Dave Brubeck Quartet.

• Best Merch: A “Promo 2005 Constantine Movie Keanu Reeves Special Screening Door Hanger…” for $65.00. Next time you stay in a hotel, please bring this with you and put it on the door. The maid service will have no idea what to do. On one side it reads “Do Not Disturb. Heaven.” On the other it says “Disturbed. Hell.”

• Director Grade: Constantine was directed by Francis Lawrence.
Great Movies: N/A
Good Movies: I Am Legend
OK Movies: Constantine, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Bad Movies: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2, Red Sparrow
Unseen By Me: Water for Elephants, Slumberland, The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes
Overall Grade: C-

• Double It with This 2005 Movie: Doom

• Year 2005 Movies to Trailer Before Them: Alone in the Dark, Son of the Mask, A Sound of Thunder

• Never Talk to Strangers or Constantine? Never Talk to Strangers

• Mall Movie? Oh yeah. It’s comic book and horror adjacent. It’s as mall as it gets.

• Only in 2005: This flavor of CGI where all the demon visual effects look like an Xbox 360 game.

• Scene Stealer (tie): Gavin Rossdale (who is surprisingly good) and Tilda Swinton.

• I Miss: Village Roadshow Entertainment. I didn’t always like their films, but I was excited by the promise brought by the production company logo when I’d see it before a movie.

• I Don’t Miss: Shia LeBeouf fast-talking, street-smart, sidekick characters.

• 2005 Crush: Rachel Weisz.

• 2025 Crush: Rachel Weisz.

• What I Thought in 2005: I was disappointed. As a card-carrying member of the Spawn (1997) fan club, I was all in on a heaven & hell horror-fantasy-action movie starring Keanu Reeves but I thought Constantine was boring and forgettable.

• What I Think in 2025: I’m still in a similar place. I admire the world building, and the cast is really good. I also like that so much of the action consists of people talking in rooms, which is a change of pace for a comic book/action genre movie such as this. However, the movie doesn’t have much forward thrust and while Reeves is good and has an interesting character to play, the movie lulls along only to be energized occasionally by a Tilda Swinton appearance here or a Peter Stormare there.