Is there anything more entertaining than opening the F This Movie machine in October and breathing deep from the aromatic pool of seven-word horror movie reviews? I think not. What follows are my favorites. No fighting! This judge’s decision is final.
Gunther Peters
Weapons (2025)
My therapist will hear about Aunt Gladys.
Mac McEntire
Murders in the Rue Morgue (1932)
Alternate universe where everyone smokes a pipe.
Mashke
Jimmy &; Stiggs (2025)
ET Phone Hom...icidal Aliens Vs Stoners Splatterfest
OR:
Begos NEVER getting apartment security deposit back.
Aaron Keith
Sinners (2025)
Michael B good and Michael B bad.
Jason Stevens
The Wolf of Snow Hollow (2020)
Who's the real monster? Booze? Bravado? Taxidermy?
janbottig
Together (2025)
Stuck on Bandaids? Franco’s stuck on Brie!
Aaron Keith
Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)
You're going to need a bigger pot.
Adam Oh
Son of Frankenstein (1939)
Only slightly less goofy than Young Frankenstein.
Mikko Viinikka
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
This is definitely me writing this review.
Chris Cooper
V/H/S Halloween (2025)
Really putting the DIE in Diet Soda.
Matt Sollenberger
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
As Ohioan, can confirm palm trees everywhere.
Wade
George A. Romero's Creepshow (1982)
Aren't we all asking, "Where's my cake?"
Reed Strickland
Sisters (1972)
Masterful buildup, bug-nuts ending, split screen sublimation.
Lindsay Wilkins
Martin (1977)
Ouch, waking up to Grandpa's morning wood.
Andy Bishop
The Invisible Man (1933)
Guy takes invisibility drug... becomes Bugs Bunny.
Andy Bishop
The Invisible Man (2020)
I immediately saw right through this asshole.
Aaron Keith
The Masque of the Red Death (1964)
Them Satan parties are to die for.
Mac McEntire
Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
Winona? More like Win-YES-a! (I got nothin’)
Paul Calvert
Weapons (2025)
Class sizes are getting out of control.
Brian Sager
House on Haunted Hill (1959)
Let that ghoul roller blade in peace!
Wade
The Blob (1958)
Townspeople fret about small details, disbelieve everything.
Luke
The Exorcist III (1990)
Ain't no way you're hiding those shears.
Mac McEntire
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
How often does Pretorius clean those jars?
Ross Reeder
Halloween II (1981)
More afraid of Loomis than Michael Myers.
J.M. Vargas
James Whale's Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
Shockingly minimal screen time for titular character.
OR:
Una O's expressions worthy of "Looney Tunes."
OR:
Pretorius: "... thought I was alone."; Whale smiles.
Wade
George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead (1968)
"They're coming to distribute without royalties, Barbra!"
Mac McEntire
Malignant (2021)
"Will you get off my back, already?"
Matt Sollenberger
Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979)
Herzog presents the definitive documentary on Kinski.
Ross Reeder
Black Sabbath (1963)
Karloff would’ve played an amazing Kurt Vonnegut.
Brian Sager
The Shining (1980)
Why is Jack even carrying his wallet?
J.M. Vargas
John Carpenter's The Thing (1982)
Poor Norris' heart just wasn't into it.
OR:
Unsurprisingly popular choice with hardcore cat lovers.
Mookie
Heretic (2024)
I wonder how this guy handles telemarketers.
Michael Pomaro
Prince of Darkness (1987)
Pleasant to see the presence of Pleasence.
Aaron Keith
Lair of the White Worm (1988)
Donahue got wiggly and I got giggly.
Aaron Keith
White Zombie (1932)
All his zombies white; she not special.
Mauricio
The Substance (2024)
Quaid eating shrimp might be grossest part.
Adam Riske
Misery (1990)
Never trust a person who says "cockadoodie"
Jeremy Wickett
The Invisible Man (1933)
Invisible Nudity!
Raging Blizzards!
Unparalleled Shrinky Dink!
Mookie
The Crazies (2010)
Not discussing the Olyphant in the room.
Jeremy Wickett
The Thing from Another World (1951)
Taps into America’s greatest fears: foreigners, vegetables.
Reed Strickland
Casper (1995)
Why's Kat's mom's ghost not a cartoon?
Aaron Keith
House of Wax (1953)
Working guillotine seems like an insurance nightmare.
Ross Reeder
Halloween (1978)
Strode Reality never financially recovered from this.
Wade
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Louisville Slugger slugs Tarman in Louisville... Ironic.
Erich
[REC] (2007)
Brains in Spain fall mainly in frame.
Erich
Bug (2006)
Michael Shannon is Friedkin' me out, man!
Ross
Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)
Nobody fighting over who made this one.
Mikko Viinikka
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943)
Nick Fury post credit scene surprised me.
Mac McEntire
The Old Dark House (1932)
Whale does a "one crazy night" movie.
Reed Strickland
Magic (1978)
Going Insane and Murdering People for Dummies
William Smith
The First Omen (2024)
To quote JB, “I’m no shrinking violet…”.jpg)
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Wade
The Masque of the Red Death (1964)
Pretty much just Bezos's house during quarantine.
Mikko Viinikka
Son of Dracula (1943)
His name's Alucard. Get it? GET IT!?
Wade
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Creating awareness for proper neonatal zombie care.
Wade
Poltergeist (1982)
JUST LISTED: empty lot, interdimensional portal, skeletons.
Mac McEntire
The Blob (1988)
Hold up, was that Del Close? (Blub.)
Charles Lewis
Casper (1995)
One of Dean Cundey’s “just for funsies.”
Wade
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
Everybody's head-taking. What about head-giving?
Ross
Van Helsing (2004)
"Never give up on a movie" counter-argument.
janbottig
The Dead Don’t Die (2019)
Fracking breaks planet; Driver breaks fourth wall.
Mikko Viinikka
The Mummy's Ghost (1944)
This movie's just a lot of applesauce.
Aaron Keith
The Black Cat (1934)
Didn't have much to do with cats.
Paul Calvert
Poltergeist (1982)
Tobe Hooper goodness. Your house is clean.
Mauricio
V/H/S: Halloween (2025)
No Coke. Cola that kills you o.k.?
Mac McEntire
Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985)
Quitting smoking: Hard. Quitting James Woods: Easy.
Mikko Viinikka
House of Frankenstein (1944)
See, Russos? Crossover movies can be short.
Adam Riske
Halloween (1978)
Loomis knows he nailed that Lonnie prank
Mikko Viinikka
House of Dracula (1945)
(Nerd voice) “Actually it's Dr. Edelmann's house.”
AlexZeier
Carrie (1976)
The hair! The fashion! Real period piece.
Chris Ceballos
The Amityville Horror (1979)
Note to self: remove axes from home.
Erich
Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
I would listen to the Criminologist's podcast.
Kunider
The Long Walk (2025):
That was a weird Amazing Race episode.
Mauricio
They Live (1988)
Earthlings fortunate bubblegum supplies at record low.
Marcus Killerby
VHS Halloween (2025)
Rips off my favorite video from bigmommymilkers.com!
Aaron Keith
Repulsion (1965)
Still cleaner than my college dorm room.
Aaron Keith
Village of the Damned (1995)
These snooty li’l cuties went all klabooey.
Mookie
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Characters from Scooby Doo minus the dog.
Wade
George A. Romero's Day of the Dead (1985)
And the Bubs shall inherit the Earth.
Wade
Stuart Gordon's From Beyond (1986)
"My pineal"s a grower, not a shower."
Michael Pomaro
Trauma (1993)
Intimacy coordinator had A LOT of questions.
Mikko Viinikka
The Shining (1980)
Jack goes from Wendy's axe-husband to ex-husband.
Matt Sollenberger
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Maybe witch just performing preventative dental care?
Reed Strickland
Frankenweenie (2012)
Charming tale of kids electrocuting dead animals.
Brad L.
Weapons (2025)
Not the face, NOT THE FACE... dang.
Adam Riske
V/H/S/ Halloween (2025)
Feel bad for Kidprint gift certificate purchasers
M. Archer M.
The Thing (1982)
Norwegian translation: “Norway or the gore way!”
Jeff Quinn
Halloween (2007)
Who keeps teaching Michael how to drive?
Brian Sager
Weapons (2025)
It's illegal to padlock an egress door.
Brian Biddle
Alone in the Dark (1982)
Crazy Old White Men Terrorizing Community--
Unrelatable.
Reed Strickland
Re-Animator (1985)
The second-best movie with Psycho's score.
Wade
Ken Russell's The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
"Watched Russell's giant dildo movie."
"Which one?"
J.M. Vargas
Hereditary (2018)
So? Family drives me up walls too.
Michael Pomaro
Suspiria (1977)
Somehow, Udo Kier gives most measured performance.
Matt Sollenberger
Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)
THIS IS NOT A MOVIE*
*By posting only a five-word review,
I have failed the Scary Movie Challenge,
just like this movie has failed to be a movie.
Aaron Keith
The Orphanage (2007)
So, can they not smell in Spain?
Aaron Keith
The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
Misleading title, he never said any swears.
Mookie
Halloween (2018)
Laurie Strode so Judy Greer could run.
Munkee
Night if the Creeps (1986)
Key to surviving college? Shut your mouth.
Chris Cooper
Children of the Corn: Genesis (2011)
There was a distinct lack of corn.
Rocco T. Thompson
Clown in a Cornfield (2025)
Many clown. Much cornfield. Truth in advertising.
This has been a terrific Scary Movie Month. Thanks to all of our loyal listeners and readers for making it so. And there’s still three-and-half days left. I know we are all going to bear down and GET THAT REVIEW COUNT to 10,000!
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