Johnny Showtime: The Year in Pics

 by JB

Oh, the flotsam and jetsam that swirl around one’s mind when it is time to review the year that has passed. Here is photographic proof that I survived the psychic tsunami that was 2025.

January

I finally get up the gumption to visit Stagecoach Liquors in Newbury Park, as I had successfully avoided the siren song of this tourist trap alongside the 101 for over two years. The owners seem to think that you will not patronize their establishment unless it is some sort of “Disneyland of Booze.” For the sake of political correctness, I have spared you a photo of the “Drunken Injun” mannequin.

February

I learn that my son’s apartment in Echo Park is on the land that used to house the famous Mack Sennet Studios. Mack Sennet invented film comedy in the 1910s. I taught Film Study for more than 30 years. My son is a screenwriter. Somehow, all of these facts are intertwined. Does he ever look out his back window and wonder, “Just how many pies flew through the air on this very spot, 115 years ago?" Do “ghost pies” exist?

March

Who knew that March is National Root Canal Month? It is!
(EDITOR’S NOTE: It is not.)

April

Sometimes, when the chips are down, F This Movie’s Rob DiCristino sends you some swag... and gives your life purpose again. I did not like the movie. The hat is very cozy.

May

As Vice President of my condo’s HOA Board, various businesses are constantly sending me catalogs for THINGS A CONDO BUILDING SIMPLY MUST HAVE. This is from some outfit in Japan and is intended for all of our exit corridors.

June

In honor of Jaws’ 50th anniversary, I walked boldly into a local arcade, approached a crane game the size of a phone booth, and promptly won an enormous shark. The proprietors of said establishment were very surprised. The shark had been hanging there for some time. They had assumed the game was impossible. 

Don’t challenge me. Don’t EVER challenge me. Don’t fuck with the eagles until you learn how to fly.

It's a measure of my wife’s love that she let me bring it home. It lives in our guest room. We named him Bruce. Bruce likes to watch the movie Jaws, though he has explained to us that it is not an action/adventure film, but a comedy with a tragic ending. In December, he started many arguments by loudly insisting that Jaws was a Christmas movie. He’s CRAZY.

July

I was able to visit Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth, a few times this year. It never disappoints. I travelled there with Cereal at Midnight’s Heath Holland and his lovely wife, and we were able to sweet talk our way into Trader Sam’s Enchanted Tiki Bar, which I had read about, but never visited. I met Pinocchio and we shared stories; both of us started life as wooden puppets and then became real boys. I travelled to Disney again with the Bromleys and learned what superior vacation planning was all about. (Thanks, Erika!) I purchased some new swag for our Haunted Mansion powder room.

August

After much hemming and hawing and scrimping and saving and shrimping and sawing, I finally achieved my lifelong dream and opened a bait shop in Malibu. I have come to realize that it's all about currying favor with my deceased parents; my brother is an avid fisherman, and they always loved him more.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: JB did not open a bait shop, and his parents did not love his brother more. He did buy the t-shirt.)

September

Canoodling about with some nonsense one day, I accidentally open a Portal to Hell in the floor of my office. I learn that my standard Homeowners insurance covers “Acts of God,” but not this.

October

I dutifully attend Monsterpalooza in Burbank and meet these two troublemakers. They tell me they just want to get ahead.

November

Due to the utility of Ancestry.com and the efforts of some interested cousins, I finally meet my half-brother. The resemblance is uncanny.

December

Thanks to some medical adventures in February and July, I feel very lucky to be alive and well on this planet. Thank you, readers and listeners, for another wonderful year.

Happy Holidays. Happy New Year. Happy Movies!