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Conan the Barbarian
Release date: Aug. 19, 2011
This movie is not for me. The original movie, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, was not for me, either. Come to think of it, the only Conan that's "for me" got forced out of The Tonight Show by Jay Leno, and now I can't find him on my dial (they're still called "dials," right?). REGARDLESS, I don't know how anyone -- including those people who this movie is "for" -- could not be BORED out of their SKULLS by this trailer. Didn't we learn our lesson with Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time? If I may digress for one second (who's gonna stop me?), I am also baffled by this preview's sound effects. Pay close attention to the whip crack at 0:31, the growling at 0:37 and, frankly, every time a sword's onscreen (swooshing, clanking, sheathing, unsheathing ... you get the picture). Did the Foley artist just buy a new sound effects CD on Amazon? Is that what's going on here? #foleyfail
Release date: July 8, 2011
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I used to like Anne Hathaway. I thought, "Now here's a pretty girl. Talented too. I wonder what will happen to her?" Fast forward past Havoc (although don't go too fast -- couple of good scenes, Havoc has), past Bride Wars, past Alice in Wonderland, past her gig co-hosting the Oscars ... all the way to today. THIS is the Anne Hathaway we ended up with. Congrats? She is THE MOST affected human being on the planet. And, apparently, she's British! Who knew? First Gwyneth Paltrow, then Madonna, now Anne Hathaway. Good luck, you cunt! Woah! RELAX! See, in England, the word "cunt" is a term of endearment. It's not vulgar or crass. It's just like "buddy" or "pal" or "insufferable!" That's what Anne Hathaway is: a cunt! If we were just lucky enough to only have to put up with her One Day a year (see what I did there?).
Martha Marcy May Marlene
Release date: Oct. 7, 2011
This movie's ... missing something. What is it? Oh, I know! The music from Inception! You know -- "BWAAAHM! BWAAAHM! BWAAAHM!" Classic Inception. Actually, classic EVERY fucking trailer that's come out since Inception. And because this movie also tackles the complexities of dreams, reality and memories ... well, let's just say it's a missed opportunity. I don't want to say you blew it Martha Marcy May Marlene, but ... you blew it. You're like Pay it Forward, if Pay it Forward DIDN'T lift every single musical cue directly from American Beauty. Remember the bells? Oh, those tubular bells. ON ANOTHER NOTE, this movie comes out (limited release) on my birthday! Yay! Mark your calendars, F Heads! I know where I'll be! Yeah, probably watching Showgirls on my couch again.