Friday, November 4, 2011

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (November 4)

Is anyone else really sad? RIP #ScaryMovieMonth.

American Reunion
Release date: April 6, 2012

The first teaser trailer for American Reunion, here (NSFW), was released a few weeks ago. My good friend Jason sent it to me, as he's the authority on everything American Pie. Respect. I actually don't mind the first preview. Yes, it's clichéd and lame and whatever, but it's also inoffensive (NSFW tagging aside), and it hearkens back to the original movie, which, for reasons that escape me right now, still holds a special place in my heart. The second trailer, released this week (and embedded above), however ... WOOF. There are SO many things I want to say about this movie, I don't know where to start. Here goes a random collection of half-formed thoughts: where's Natasha Lyonne? According to IMDb, she's in the cast, but the trailer (wisely?) omits her. Jim's mom is dead? Or maybe, his parents are ... divorced (I think she's dead)? That's a weird plot point, and surely exists only so that Jim's dad (Eugene Levy) can fuck Stifler's mom (Jennifer Coolidge). Shannon Elizabeth looks like the Madame Tussauds version of Shannon Elizabeth. Thomas Ian Nicholas has a beard! And her name is Charlene Amoia (BOOM)! Thank GOD Sherminator's in this. Then again, Chris Owen is the Dustin Diamond of the American Pie movies (shame on you, Saved by the Bell: The New Class. Screech is Mr. Belding's assistant? Really?). I refuse to say anything bad about Tara Reid (although I'd like to) -- girl's had a rough go of it lately. Finally, Oz is with Cerie from 30 Rock? Don't get me wrong, Katrina Bowden is a fox, and who doesn't like looking at her (weirdly boyish?) ass. But wasn't one of the first movie's most endearing qualities the way it presented the relationship between Oz and Heather? That movie made us care about them as a couple -- they were the innocent ballast amid a turbulent sea of semen-laced beer. Their sweetly naïve courtship was based on trust, self-discovery and mutual awkwardness, which was in stark contrast to Stifler's snizz-hound exploits or Michelle Flaherty sticking a flute in her pussy. I know I'm talking about the GD American Pie movies, but still -- ANY movie that makes you care about two characters falling in love (including the second installment [although, back then, Mena Suvari was a "rising star," only appearing in a few scenes, most of them seemingly shot in one day on a set that looked like a bad representation of France]) only to show them ultimately broken up is just wrong. And cheap! And lazy! Unless that's the driving theme of American Reunion ... ? That they were separated, for whatever reason, but now they realize that they're meant to be together, and the entire movie leads up to that moment? Is that what we're dealing with here? Is America ready to start caring about Chris Klein again?! In any event, I WILL SEE YOU IN APRIL, AMERICAN REUNION!

Piranha 3DD
Release date: TBA

Wow. I really blew my load on that last write-up, didn't I? Here's a teaser for Piranha 3DD directed by John Gulager (he of Feast fame), the sequel to 2010's successful(?) reboot of Piranha. "Eh, double the D's. Heh-heh. Heh." -Butthead.

Dr. Seuss' The Lorax
Release date: March 2, 2012

Before you all collectively "UGH," let's be glad that this movie a.) stars Zac Efron (love that guy), and b.) is animated. Sure, the CGI is a little clumsy (this ain't Pixar, after all), but just imagine if it were ... LIVE ACTION. That would be totes gross. I mean, do we really want/need another Dr. Seuss film variant of Jim Carrey or Mike Meyers or [insert modern-day ham-fisted douche actor here] covered in 70 pounds of rubber prosthetics mugging like a hopped-up hobo? No, right? Right?! I thought so. So let's just be thankful we get THIS. Plus, the song in the preview is "Light and Day/Reach for the Sun" by The Polyphonic Spree, so it's not ALL bad. Trying to stay positive here, folks!


  1. Thomas Ian Nicholas has a beard! And her name is Charlene Amoia (BOOM)! LOL


  2. Were they just waiting for Tara Reid to look like a human being again to get this reunion together?

  3. Thomas Ian Nicholas was my childhood crush. I wrote a song about him sung to the tune of "Do Wah Diddy" after I saw ROOKIE OF THE YEAR. He's my boyfriend.

  4. Did you work the words "Float it" into your song? Did Doug tell you that ROOKIE OF THE YEAR was our first date? What I'm saying is, we saw him first.

  5. Until next year....but I will still be watching scary movies all year long. And I kinda really want to see American Reunion...

  6. Jessica - Does that mean you're leaving us until next Scary Movie Month? I hope not.