Friday, February 10, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (February 10)

Anyone else still recovering from last weekend's epic #FThisMovieFest? I know I am. When I close my eyes, all I see are gelflings. Thousands upon thousands of hideous geflings, direct from the uncanny valley. Funny, because it JUST AS EASILY could've been Phoebe Cates' boobs. That's what the smart money was on. "I love boobs!" -Doug. BUT NO -- gelflings. Every day. All night. Why have you forsaken me, 1982?! Here's the newest batch of trailers, fresh from Hollywood's shame oven. I'm purposely not featuring The Amazing Spider-Man (it's here if you really want to see it), because a.) it's already been showcased on this site before, and b.) really? Really. Really? C'mon. Few movies (not just superhero films) are better than Spider-Man 2. Can't we all just leave well enough alone?

The Avengers
Release date: May 4, 2012

This isn't the first trailer for The Avengers, just the most recent one that aired during the SUPER EXCITING (not super exciting) Super Bowl between the [research and insert football team names here; no rush, you have plenty of time. Also, buy milk]. I'd be lying if I said the sound of Iron Man's palm-mounted lasers didn't have a Pavlovian effect on me. That, and the fact that it's directed by Joss Whedon is encouraging, even if the sight of both Jeremy Renner wielding a bow and arrow and Scarlett Johansson cocking a pistol had me rolling my eyes. In any event, TEBOW! #timelyfootballjokes

The Bourne Legacy
Release date: Aug. 3, 2012

Patrick and I have this ongoing dialogue about sequels that learn ALL THE WRONG LESSONS from the initial films. In many instances, it seems like directors have no clue why their original project was so successful or beloved. Example: Hostel, while not ground-breaking horror, is actually pretty great, and definitely works on its own terms. Hostel: Part II, on the other hand, learned ALL THE WRONG LESSONS. It's really bad, and chooses to emphasize torture porn over character development. Eli Roth, in this instance, disregards his audience and their need to actually care about the cast, and instead shows a topless, disemboweled "Weiner Dog" (Heather Matarazzo) hanging upside-down on a meat hook with her blood raining down on an equally nude female "client." "Because it looks cool!" I'm sure there are hundreds of examples of this. One of the reasons I really like the first Bourne movie, 2002's The Bourne Identity, isn't because of the huge explosions or the CGI or the MacGyver (MacGruber?)-esque fire extinguisher gun. It's because director Doug Liman succeeded at making an interesting, character-driven film about memories and love and what it means to be human that ALSO happened to be about the dangerous underworld of international spies. Also, Franka Potente. "Hey girl." On top of all that, the car chases --while excellently filmed and realistically grounded in physics -- weren't even action centerpieces; rather, they were the natural progression of the story. THAT BEING SAID, I sorta like this preview (the bars moving across the screen are very Hitchcockian), and hold out hope that Jeremy Renner (smartly, without a bow-and arrow), with direction by Michael Clayton's Tony Gilroy, will be a welcome addition to the film franchise. What do you think?

Iron Sky
Release date: April 4, 2012

I will Nazi this.


  1. If Iron Sky is the best Hollywood can offer as new content, maybe the non-stop sequels/remakes aren't that bad of a choice. BTW, that's not Sarah Palin, because she talks with a southern drawl.

    1. For what it's worth, IRON SKY appears to be a foreign (German?) film, so I guess it's not really "Hollywood." But I guess-tapo your point is still valid.