Friday, December 14, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Dec. 14)

Very important trailerz this week, F-Heads. Like, SUPER significant stuff (and even some odd, novelty entries, like this Japanese ad for Iron Man 3). Seems like the studios are really pushing out previews for their marquee movies all at once. Almost as if they think that next week ... will be too late? Hmmm. Go figure. #nomorepullups

Man of Steel
Release date: June 14, 2013

I usually don't double-feature previews in this column, but the previously released teaser for this film (highlighted by yours truly here last July) was pretty stark/boring/light/flimsy/basic/boring/zZZZZzzZzzzz. This one's got some pizazz! And some lens flares! And some Michael-Shannon-scrunchface! Serious question for the ladiez -- is Henry Cavill attractive? Because he kind of looks like a creep. Especially with that steampunk beard. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW? I like Zack Snyder enough, and I am genuinely excited about this movie. This preview's FINE (despite the hyperbolic praise every nerd out there has already splooged on their respective nerd message boards [NERDS]), but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm burned out on comic book movies. Let's all take a break, and silently remember Superman Returns.

Pacific Rim
Release date: July 12, 2013

Oooooohh. Me likey. This looks balls-out RIDICULOUS ... in the best possible way. Monsters vs. aliens, only more Real Steel and less Monsters vs. Aliens. It's safe to say that director Guillermo del Toro is a visionary, right? I mean, I'm not going out on a limb here. You're all with me? VISIONARY. I mean, have you SEEN Mimic? And Idris Elba acting opposite a cast of lesser-known actors is a smart move. No Rihanna to fuck up this action joint! Lastly, Pacific Rim looks like the closest thing we sci-fi RPG nerds will ever get to a legitimate Robotech film. And that's OK. Because I've already put all my energy into developing a Rifts treatment.

Release date: April 19, 2013

Does Tom Cruise EVER STOP WORKING? Say what you will about his insane personal life, how many levels of Operating Thetan he supposedly is/isn't or the [black hole?] choices he makes as a performer -- the man is a machine. And, as Patrick has pointed out (so many times, it's like C'MON already Patrick), he drags movies to their conclusions simply by his sheer force of will (... or something). Now, regarding this movie ... yes. Sure? If you're familiar with this website, you know that I'm a big fan of end-of-the-world plotlines. So this should be right up my alley, right? Except, maybe not? I'm getting kind of an I Am Legend vibe, is my point. Listen, I recently saw Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World, and I straight up cried like a little baby (faced killer) for the last 20 minutes of the film. SO WHAT/WHO CARES? It all started when I saw a little-known Benson episode from 1986 titled, "Last Man on Earth." IMDb describes it thusly: "As Halley's Comet approaches earth, Miss Kraus dreams that she and Benson are the only survivors of a comet impact. In the dream sequence, she and Benson fall in love and have four children." YOU SEE HOW THIS RELATES BACK TO OBLIVION? Because I don't. I just wanted to talk about Benson. And this will not be the last time I bring it up!

After Earth
Release date: June 7, 2013

Good thing Jaden Smith learned all those kung fu moves in The Karate Kid -- now he can battle the best of Pandora's leftover CGI beasts! Seriously, though, this is the craziest episode of Life After People yet.

Sound City
Release date: TBA

"Cool" new documentary about a now-defunct music studio directed by Paul McCartney's drummer, Dave Grohl. Seems like "Director Dave Grohl" (ha!) came up with the title for his movie before he actually thought about what he wanted to say. Because this just feels like yet another saccharine, nostalgic look at a small piece of history that, unfortunately, not a lot of people are interested in. I'm big into music (was?), and even I don't care that much. "Tape is SO much cooler than digital!" We get it.

The Package
Release date: Feb. 19, 2013 (on DVD, Blu-ray and digital download)

When did Steve Austin lose the "Stone Cold" part of his name? Around the same time he lost his personality? I AM KIDDING HE NEVER HAD PERSONALITY. Goes back to what I said two weeks ago re: Dwayne Johnson having "IT." Mr. Austin, while physically imposing and menacingly bald with a grumblegrumble for a voice leaves me feeling (wait for it) ... STONE. COLD. #HeavyAction on fumes, despite [what appears to be] a phoned-in appearance by a second-billed Dolph Lundgren (The German!). Not even Lundgren's master's degree in chemical engineering nor his Fulbright Scholarship to MIT can save this dreck. BTW, I only wrote that last sentence to prove that I do research (thanks Wikipedia!) when writing these columns. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Chinese Zodiac
Release date: TBA

Confession time: I let out a genuine guffaw (a GUFFAW, I tells ya!) at the end of the trailer when all the actors are riding a giant caterpillar through a psychedelic skyscape. This, of course, comes right on the heels of [director!] Jackie Chan straight up skeletoning (is that a word? I mean, I know it's an OLYMPIC SPORT), down a cliff with mechanized arms and legs with wheels on them instead of just, you know, a rickety old sled. Guys, I have no idea what to say about this trailer other than, "I am on holiday!" #dodougsjobforhim


  1. Thanks Doug, I pre-ordered sound city because of you. Sorry, but it is an important piece of music history.

  2. Pacific Rim seems to pose the question of if you are a monsters person or a robot person.

    I like how the trailer for After Earth goes out of its way to not tell you it's written and directed by M Night Shamylan.

    1. But I'm more of a monster person, and this movie is going to make me side with the robots. It's Robot Jox all over again.

  3. Also, "cried like a baby (faced killer)" is the funniest thing I've read all week.

  4. so...lens flares in star trek: good. lens flares in superman: bad?