Friday, December 7, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Dec. 7)

Today lives in infamy, folks! Good thing the new Star Trek Into Darkness teaser was released yesterday (featured after the jump). Otherwise, you know ... INFAMY. As exemplified by arguably the best trailer for the worst movie, Michael Bay's craptacular Pearl Harbor! Sorry, greatest generation -- Hitler and his Nazi thugs strike again!

Star Trek Into Darkness
Release date: May 17, 2013

So, it's Khan, right? I mean, that's the rap on the rest of the web -- and believe-you-me, this teaser is being discussed EVERYWHERE (film sites, pop culture blogs, legit news outlets, etc.). Even though it SEEMS derivative, let's not forget the fact that Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is easily the best TOS Star Trek film. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, is my point.

The Baytown Outlaws
Release date: Jan. 18, 2013

Two words (with a third word -- an expletive (sorry Mom) -- thrown in for good measure): Zoë Muthafuckin' Bell! Forget that this film actually looks kind of low-rent. It features Zoë Bell's bare booty (NSFW?). However, that MIGHT be a body double, so temper your expectations. BUT STILL. ZOË. BELL.

Dark Skies
Release date: Feb. 22, 2013

All right, this looks OK. But it's also a Twilight Zone episode, right? I mean, is there enough here to fill 90 minutes (dear GOD please don't be longer than 90 minutes)? And I get a kind of Lost-y vibe -- like they're introducing a lot of creepy, odd stuff, but they probably can't explain any it and/or not all of it pays off. I can just imagine the producers of Paranormal Activity and Insidious (what a CV!) sitting around, saying, "Wouldn't it be TOTALLY MESSED UP if a bunch of birds just started crashing into things?" "Sure, but what if the girl from Felicity just starts BANGING HER HEAD on a sliding-glass door for no reason?" "Dude, you read my mind!" [ridiculously long bong hit]

Upstream Color
Release date: March 22, 2013


Black Rock
Release date: May 17, 2013

Terrible. And it's written by Mark Duplass? For shame. I guarantee you there is NOTHING you will take away from seeing the whole movie that you can't glean from watching this trailer. It tells you everything. And it's terrible. The music, the cuts, the FONT, the choice to splash the actresses names' over images of their bruised, battered faces ... all of it's the worst. DO NOT SEE THIS. Unless Lake Bell takes her top off again. THEN SEE THIS.

Officer Down
Release date: Jan. 19, 2013

You know a movie's gonna be good when a.) the preview is crosscut with scenes of a stripper (the always skinny/gross AnnaLynne McCord) dancing on a pole, b.) the names of the cast are introduced over a blood-splattered background, c.) a shotgun is cocked in slow motion, d.) Soulja Boy is in it, and e.) scenes are presented in black-and-white, sepia AND color (all three!). And this is just a teaser! Listen, James Woods was in The Hard Way, so he gets a pass. And Stephen Dorff ... well, he was Stuart Sutcliffe in Backbeat. Not sure why I bring that up.

The Croods
Release date: March 22, 2013

UGLY MOVIE. Also, I miss the days when animated films featured the voice talent of lesser-known actors. With this, I immediately picture Nic Cage and Emma Stone and Ryan Reynolds beneath those really hideous character designs. Harrible. But kids are usually dumber than adults (USUALLY), so they probably won't mind.

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
Release date: Feb. 8, 2013

I should hate this movie. Or, at least, I should hate the idea of a quirky, "rebirth" film by a seriously delusional actor (who needs real help, not more money/fame). It's the reason I haven't featured the awful-looking trailer for The Canyons (oops), Lindsay Lohan's new eccentric-for-the-sake-of-eccentric project (and, BTW, fuck Bret Easton Ellis for his recent comments re: Kathryn Bigelow). This is Charlie Sheen's first movie after a very public, very embarrassing meltdown. And the fact that Two and a Half Men is/was, quite possibly, the worst sitcom on TV is beside the point. So yeah, I should hate this. But I don't. I mean, how could you hate something costarring Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman and Aubrey Plaza? How could you hate an original piece of ART by the son of Francis Ford and brother of Sofia, Roman Coppola? And yes, while it's incredibly retro and stylized and Wes Anderson-esque and peculiar and [maybe?] up its own ass, it still looks fresh, and it presents some novel ideas. So I don't hate this movie. But I haven't seen it yet. What do you think?


  1. Those caption things in the Black rock trailer are cracking me up.


    Exciting stuff.

  2. Hey more falling scenes in a Star Trek movie. Next you're going to tell me that there is going to be time travel.

    The Baytown Outlaws vs Black Rock. best part, your take.

    Which begs, why no video of you? Need watchin doug watchin trailerz.

  3. Goddamn it, I kinda hate to say it too, but except for the new Star Trek movie, A Glimpse into the Mind of Charles Swan III is the movie I'm most looking forward to from this batch. Also intrigued by Upstream Color and hell, Dark Skies seems like it will be an alright pick come next Scary Movie Month (7-word Preview Review: Damn, that Felicity chick is looking old!).

    1. Yeah, not the best week, and 'Black Rock' looks downright awful. 'Upstream Color' is the followup to Shane Carruth's 'Primer' (which I've never seen, but heard good things about). The trailer tells you NOTHING, but it looks beautiful.

    2. Seriously and like c'mon guys, we've all hunted and killed a few chicks on an island before - it's like shooting fish in a barrel, am I right?

      Just checked out Primer and it sounds pretty good.

  4. When I finally saw Safety Not Guaranteed and loved it, I told myself I would henceforth be at least interested in seeing anythinhg that Aubrey Plaza is going to be in, so I suppose I am automatically excited for A Glimpse into the Mind of Charles Swan III for that reason. Also, hooray for new Star Trek! I just hope it's as enjoyable as the 2009 movie was.

  5. I don't want to overreact to a teaser trailer but am I alone in thinking Star Trek Into Darkness looks way worse than the first one? It's Dark Knight of the Sith and not Star Trek. I hope I'm wrong because I really like the first Abrams movie.

    1. speaking for myself, who didn't care for the last one, I totally thought the same thing (storm coming voice-over).

    2. Might be premature to overreact (it is a teaser, after all), but, aside from some Pavlovian reactions (just the font got me hard [although maybe it was Chris Pine]), it is a little ... unoriginal?

    3. re: Star Trek In Darkness

      Current thought is that the villain is either Gary Marshall or Captain Garth ("Whom Gods Destroy"). But the Nerds are insisting online that it can't be Marshall because he was just killed in plain sight in the ST comic that follows this timeline.

      Normally I'd say "Who gives a rat's ass what happened in the comic" but part of the story of the last movie - where Nero was for that 20+ years between - was told in a comic book (sold separately). So there's a prescient there.

      All I know is that if Benedict Cumberbatch wasn't in this movie you couldn't catch me within 2 miles of a theater showing this. And since Damon Lindelof "proofread" this script I'm thinking of taking my mp3 player and just enjoying the pictures.