Monday, February 25, 2013
Riske Business: 15 Reasons You Own DVDs You'll Never Watch
WHY DO I OWN THIS?
Here are the reasons I can come up with.
15) My Disc’s Bigger!
I don’t know how many people will relate to this one, but sometimes I see another movie fan’s DVD collection and it’s bigger than mine and I turn into Michael Jordan. I must win! I must defeat this person! Luckily, I don’t have this problem very often anymore.
14) Gag Gifts
Your family and friends are wonderful people. They know you better than anyone, and sometimes they want to make a joke at your expense by giving you something they know you will dislike. Just like birthday cards, you feel like you can’t throw the DVD away so it sits there and takes up space -- probably knowing itself that it serves no purpose. Kind of like Gerard Butler.
Examples from my collection: 4 Movie Marathon (Dudley Do-Right, Sgt. Bilko, Cop and a Half, Ed)
13) You had 20 Minutes to Kill…
More than once I have been early to be somewhere so I run a quick errand. For example, I might need toothpaste and I see a Target. I walk into Target and buy toothpaste and now I also own Jerry Maguire.
12) I Liked it When I was a Kid
Most movie fans are also in the bag for all things nostalgic.
People live in castles at our expense.
You don’t have to buy a movie just because you liked it when you were 12. Odds are you are never going to get another experience as fulfilling as the one you did when you saw it as a kid. Let sleeping dogs lie. The younger version of yourself will not come to your room and start crying one night because “we” don’t own Good Burger.
Examples from my collection: First Kid, Man of the House, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Ernest Goes to Camp/Ernest Goes to Jail/Ernest Scared Stupid Triple Feature, The Best of Muppet Babies
11) Welcome to the New-Fangled World of DVDs
When DVD first came out, you bought A LOT of movies because you were excited about the format. It was not about the movies. This is why most people own a copy of Lethal Weapon 4. This phenomenon ended around the year 2000.
Examples from my collection: Keeping the Faith, The Perfect Storm, The Patriot, Big Daddy, Black Mask, Enemy of the State, The Dish, Finding Forrester
10) One Day I Will Watch This or Need This
I heard Solitary Man is good. I’m sure I’ll get around to it one of these days. It costs almost as much to own as it does to rent.
The Contender, yeah, I’ll own it. Never know when people will come over and want to have a Joan Allen marathon.
Examples from my collection (never seen): Shut Up and Play the Hits, Let’s Scare Jessica to Death, Killshot, The Darjeeling Limited
Examples from my collection (will need it one day): Ray, Napoleon Dynamite, In Good Company, Dave, Dodgeball
9) You Felt Like Watching a Movie, Couldn’t Decide on One so You Went Shopping Instead
What’s playing at the theaters? Nothing good. What’s On Demand? I don’t know. Nothing that gets me excited. I don’t see anything at RedBox. I guess I’ll just walk around Best Buy and pick out something and watch it tonight. The irony is you get home (maybe leave the bag in your car) and end up going to bed instead.
8) Convention Fever
You are walking around a convention or special event looking at the souvenirs and get the nonsensical notion that buying something is more important than what it is you are buying. This is how you will end up with all of the bootleg DVDs that you own.
Examples from my collection: Elvira’s Movie Macabre Double Feature (Count Dracula’s Great Love/Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks), Welcome to the Grindhouse Double Feature (The Bodyguard/Sister Street Fighter), The Munsters Two Movie Fright Fest (Munsters Go Home!/The Munsters' Revenge), Michael Jackson Masterpiece Video Collection (Thriller/Captain EO, Moonwalker, Ghosts), Maniac Cop, The Man with the Screaming Brain, Alien Apocalypse, Bozo’s 30th Anniversary Special
7) That’s a Good Looking Display!
I like that movie but I don’t need to buy it. Maybe I’ll just rent it. I’m here for something else. OOH! That’s a sexy looking end cap! There are so many copies! It’s a big deal! I can’t not be part of the zeitgeist!
Examples from my collection: National Treasure, The Dark Knight Rises, Ted
6) 4 Movies for $10? IT’S LIKE THEY’RE PAYING ME!!!!
I’m a slut for discount DVD collections -- especially the 4 film favorites. There’s comfort in knowing that I can see Bed of Roses on a whim. Somewhere the following is being said at a movie studio’s home video department: "We can’t sell these separately for $10 each, but if we pack it together with two other turds and one good movie, we’ll make a fortune."
Examples from my collection: The Wes Craven Horror Collection (The Serpent and the Rainbow/Shocker/The People Under the Stairs), Triple Feature (Nixon/Billy Bathgate/Blaze), Miramax Four Feature Films (Full Frontal/Playing by Heart/Four Rooms/Beautiful Girls), 4 Film Favorites Kevin Costner Collection (The Bodyguard/Rumor Has It/The Upside of Anger/Tin Cup), 4 Film Favorite Denzel Washington Collection (Training Day/Fallen/John Q/The Pelican Brief)
5) It Was the Heat of the Moment
You watch a movie and are so moved you stand up from your couch and walk right over to your laptop to order the DVD. The problem is you don’t consider that you will never feel the urge to pull The Lives of Others from your DVD shelf and pop it in. Any time this could happen you will choose taking a nap or watching Law & Order re-runs instead.
Examples from my collection: The Greatest Game Ever Played, Across the Universe, Antwone Fisher
4) You Thought it Would Make You Look Smart and Deep
There will not be a time when someone comes over to your house, looks at your DVD collection and tell you what a brilliant and reflective person you are because you own Precious. This will never happen. These movies are what rentals are for.
Examples from my collection: Closer, The Red Violin, The Life and Times of Hank Greenberg, Traffic, When We Were Kings, The Virgin Suicides
3) If I Watch It Enough Times I Will Like It
This movie can’t be that bad? It’s me. I had a headache when I was watching it. The kids were talking. I was doing a crossword puzzle. I’ll give it another chance. It’s not the movie. I’ll just keep watching it until I “get it.”
Examples from my collection: Made, Observe and Report, Ali, The Lawnmower Man, The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, Titan A.E.
2) You are a Completest
This one is common. You love the original, the sequel is fun and then the third one is completely awful. What do you do? You can’t just stop! It’s like having a couch minus a cushion. How can you wake up in the morning not owning Pirates of the Carribbean: At World’s End? Or Pirates of the Carribbean: On Stranger Tides? Seriously, they need to stop making Pirates movies.
Examples from my collection: The Matrix Revolutions, The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Scream 3
How many times have you decided to buy another DVD because you were $3 away from free shipping?
How many times have you decided to buy a movie because of a ridiculously affordable Black Friday offer?
How many times have you decided to buy one more disc because HAL 9000 or whoever runs things over there suggested you might also like it?
Are there any other reasons? If so, please share!