Friday, May 24, 2013

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (May 24)

I'm back! And I've brought the new Man of Steel trailer with me! It's OK Man of Steel -- you can stop now. You already have my money! In other preview news ... hey! Fat face! You! You stay classy!
We're the Millers
Release date: Aug. 9, 2013

Remember that scene in True Lies in which Jamie Lee Curtis does a strip tease for a dude who she thinks is Renquist, but who's really her husband, Harry? Of COURSE you do. Arnold was all, "Now slide the nylons off one by one! That's good! Now the panties! Now dance for me! Now let's pretend I don't have a love child with my housekeeper!" (please read these sentences in your best Tina Fey-inspired Schwarzenegger accent). When I first saw the movie in 1994, I was all, "Who's that transgender mom taking off her clothes? And WHERE is Tom Arnold?" Fun fact: Curtis was 36 when True Lies came out ... a whole eight years YOUNGER than 44-year-old Jennifer Aniston is in We're the Millers. Yowza! Now, sure, there are a lot of other things I could be talking about re: this trailer (e.g., Ed Helms becoming more and more insufferable every time I see him, casual racism, Jason Sudeikis whiffing on every joke, etc.), but let's stick to the basics here. TL;DR: Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper!

Metallica Through the Never
Release date: Aug. 9, 2013

This trailer = metal up your ass.

Release date: Oct. 4, 2013

Ground Control to Sandra Bullock: your circuit's dead, there's something wrong. Can you hear me, Sandra Bullock? Can you hear me, Sandra Bullock? Can you hear me, Sandra Bullock? Can you hear?

Release date: Sept. 6, 2013

Yay Karl Urban! Yay Starbuck! Yay sepia tones! Go home, Vin Diesel -- you're too cool for your own eyeshine. I've never seen Pitch Black or The Chronicles of Riddick (let alone the animated The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury), so I suppose I shouldn't judge this trailer too harshly. Mark Ahn actually likes those movies (against his better judgment), so I defer to him on this installment.

Last Vegas
Release date: Nov. 1, 2013

Which one is Zach Galifianakis? I'm guessing ... drunk Morgan Freeman. Four old wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. #wolfpack

About Time
Release date: Nov. 8, 2013

Interesting. And messy. But interesting. And if Bill Weasley has the ability to travel through time, it must mean that he stole the Time-Turner from Hermione. And that means that the entire stock of Time-Turners -- located in the Time Room in the Ministry of Magic -- WASN'T destroyed during the Battle of the Department of Mysteries in 1996. There's hope for us all!

August: Osage County
Release date: Nov. 8, 2013

You guys, I think Benedict Cumberbatch might be going places. Shame that he doesn't quite rank up there with Abigail Breslin, but there's always hope for better billing in the sequel (September: Osage County? August: Unincorporated Pawhuska, Oklahoma?). Meryl Streep is a real see you next Tuesday, which probably means she'll get another Oscar nomination. Based on a play that premiered at Chicago's very own Steppenwolf Theatre, August: Osage County is the feel good movie of the year (today is opposite day).

As I Lay Dying
Release date: TBA

Mmm-hmmm. Riiiight. Danny McBride's appearance in this James Franco-scripted AND directed film adaptation of William Faulkner's 1930 novel SEALED THE DEAL for me. Now if only there was an NYU class about the movie taught by the director ...


  1. Jennifer Aniston. A stripper who apparently doesn't get naked. Boner killer! :(

    Also, seeing a trailer for a movie written and directed by James Franco makes me think of something else. I would like to add one other trailer to this mix, since I don't think it has been discussed in this column, and I am very intrigued by it. It's Joseph Gordon-Levitt's feature film screenwriting and directing debut Don Jon. Looks kinda strange to me, but also maybe secretly good. Since you are the trailer man, I wanted to read your thoughts.

  2. I'm on board for Jennifer Aniston in pretty much any state of undress but goddamn a line like, "There's enough pot here to kill Willy Nelson!" makes me mad for some reason. It's just so unoriginal and unfunny, how come I know this and some asshole making good money writing jokes for a living doesn't?

    Guys, I really think we should all start making movies together already.

    1. Oh, believe me, regarding Jennifer Aniston, I highly agree! I also agree on the jokes...

    2. I think she looks good in this one too - at the Oscars I noticed she had had work done on her face and I was pretty disappointed. But she still looks natural in this - might be the last before she starts looking like Joan Rivers (or Christ, even Megan Fox, have you seen her lately?)

    3. The most recent things I've seen Fox in are some new production pictures from the upcoming TMNT movie. I'm still very much against the idea of her being cast in the role of April O'Neil, but she looked decent to me, I guess. I'm not exactly horrified by her looks or anything.

  3. All of these look either good or might be good.

    But, sorry Metallica, the concert movie was perfected by Beastie Boys: Awesome I Fucking Shot That, but thanks for trying.

  4. I can't help it; Riddick completes me.