Friday, August 23, 2013

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Aug. 23)

This week, Bad Robot Productions released a mysterious trailer for something called Stranger. Take a look, won't you? Is it a movie? A video game? An Albert Camus "Choose Your Own Adventure"? All of the above? I DON'T KNOW STOP HOUNDING ME! Listen, J.J. Abrams is a master at viral marketing (see Cloverfield), and a decent technical director (although I'm still waiting for him to direct a truly well-written project, because fuck you Damon Lindelof). But my patience is wearing thin for these slick, yet ultimately hollow, teasers. The "Isn't this cool?" vibe that his camp perfected in the mid-2000s as we anticipated new episodes of Lost now only serves to infuriate me. But I'm a bitter old man, and Lost is almost a decade old. Now isn't THAT something.

Parkland
Release date: Oct. 4, 2013



There are many serious things I could say about this serious JFK assassination film (produced by Tom Hanks' serious production company, Playtone [srsly]). But I'm going with a joke: "Back and to the left" -my intimate instructions to Zac Efron, after he examines the head ... OF MY PENIS. Get it?! "Back and to the left" is quote from the Oliver Stone film, JFK (later popularized by the "second spitter" episode of Seinfeld). In this instance, I'm telling Zac Efron what to do, see? He plays Kennedy's emergency room physician, and JFK had a giant hole in his head from an assassin's bullet. Well, here, I am doing what's called a "play on words," swapping out the definition of head -- referring instead to my male genitalia -- so "back and to the left" is basically me telling Zac Efron to BLOW ME. #Jokes

Getaway
Release date: Aug. 30, 2013



This could be great! Or it could be horrible!

A.C.O.D.
Release date: TBA



This trailer is ultimately for someone else, because I'm not an Adult Child Of Divorce (very clever title [justkiddingitsastupidtitle]). That being said, I can recognize great actors (including our fantasy BFF Adam Scott hooking up with our fantasy GF Jessica Alba) and good performances and funny jokes, but, yeah ... probably not for me. You see, my parents never got divorced. But I'm still screwed up, just like you and EVERY OTHER SINGLE PERSON IN THE WORLD (for various, uninteresting reasons, so I'll just end this here).

Fading Gigolo
Release date: TBA



This feels like an approximation of a bad Woody Allen film. And John Turturro, while a talented actor and an ambitious artist, has a pretty spotty track record as a director. I'm all for suspending disbelief, but if a woman looked like Sof√Ća Vergara, she would not pay to sleep with a guy who looked like John Turturro. #FactsOnly

Squirrels
Release date: TBA



HOLD ON TO YOUR NUTS (this tagline is worth 50,000 cleverbucks [they're like regular dollars except, you know, CLEVER]). Little is known about this horror-comedy(?) from Timur Bekmambetov (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Wanted). Guys, it's obvious he's using this project as a stepping stone to direct that Ben-Hur reboot. DUR. Good luck, you insane Kazakhstani!

$ellebrity
Release date: TBA



I don't know how I feel about this.

The Book Thief
Release date: Nov. 15, 2013



It's Academy Award season! And here's your first entry. I never read the book ("Psssh, books" -Doug), but, apparently, it's BRILLIANT. This movie? PANDERING. Oops ... I mean, BRILLIANT.

Bears
Release date: April 18, 2014



BEARS.

2 comments:

  1. JJ Abrams... His marketing told us for around a year up to the day it was released that the villain in the new Star Trek movie wasn't Khan but a "character from early ST that hasn't been over used".

    I'm going to question his credibility for bit...

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  2. I've heard the JJ thing is for a book. Not joking but agreed - Psssh, books.

    ReplyDelete