Friday, November 22, 2013

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Nov. 22)

In the vein of the blooper-filled trailer for Star Wars I shared with you a couple weeks ago, here's the derpiest version of The Avengers the web has to offer. Special thanks to OneMinuteGalactica (from Slacktory) for putting this together!

Heaven Is for Real
Release date: April 16, 2014

The Easter release date and saccharine piano score reinforce the "inspirational" themes of this drama from director Randall Wallace (the writer behind Braveheart and Pearl Harbor, and writer/director of We Were Soldiers). But, to me, this trailer is one Gage Creed/Miko Hughes away from being a horror movie. Creepy toddler aside, hasn't the book this film is based on been debunked? Or am I thinking of Eben Alexander's Proof of Heaven? That's it -- Esquire magazine (among many others) took Dr. Alexander to task a few months back. Look, I may not be able to explain premonitions or near-death visions or heavenly prophecies, but I also can't explain David Blaine sticking a long needle through his bicep. Doesn't mean there isn't a more logical, scientific explanation.

Cuban Fury
Release date: TBA

Can editors of trailerz please resist the urge to insert a sound effect of a bike bell as soon as a cyclist appears on screen? Thanks. This movie has a great cast -- Chris O'Dowd is hilarious, and Rashida Jones is foxier than Pam. But Nick Frost? As a salsa dancer? I mean, yeah, maybe. Sure? Again, great cast (trying to be constructive) with some great lines (I LOL'd at the description of what his name means, as well as the joke at the end), but I have mixed emotions about this.

The Invisible Woman
Release date: Dec. 25, 2013

Directed by and starring Ralph Fiennes, The Invisible Woman is a Victorian-era (era) period piece about the sordid 13-year love affair between Charles Dickens and Nelly Ternan, based on Claire Tomalin's exhaustively researched book. If you're into that sort of thing.

Devil's Knot
Release date: TBA

What's more surprising: that Atom Egoyan has never won an Oscar, or that Reese Witherspoon (reprising her role from Sweet Home Alabama here, only this time with more trashy nostril flares) has? RIGHT? OK, so, this look pretty good, although if you're really interested in the "actual events" this is based on, check out the 1996 documentary, Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills. The ultimately innocent "West Memphis Three" were finally released from prison in 2012 with ten-year suspended sentences. They served 18 years and 78 days behind bars. That's nuts.

Seventh Son
Release date: Jan. 17, 2014

Someone stick this trailer in a time capsule. In 50 years, our grandchildren will watch this and truly understand how formulaic, self-serious, boring, computer-generated and derivative "fantasy" movies from the first quarter of the 21st century were. What I'm trying to say is: NOT FOR ME (and every part of me tells me it's going to BOMB), despite the inclusion of both Jeff Bridges and Julianne Moore, reteaming (I'm sure) to close the loop on their Big Lebowski story arcs.

The Nut Job
Release date: Jan. 17, 2014

Why do acorns represent the nuts that a human company sells to [presumably] other humans? There it is, a vector graphic of two acorns adorning the logo for Maury's Nut Shop (est. 1892). And inside the store, they sell peanuts and almonds and walnuts -- you know, regular nuts -- but NO ACORNS. Because acorns, while not inedible, are not (by and large) eaten by humans. They're eaten by squirrels! So it makes sense that a squirrel-run nut store would use acorns as an appealing graphic to attract new customers. But human beings? If I saw an acorn on a door to a store, I would think, "What, is this a store for SQUIRRELS?" So I guess it makes sense that Maury's is a target of the neighborhood rodents. I mean, he's kind of asking to be invaded by pests with an advertising campaign featuring said pests main food source, no?


  1. "based on Claire Tomalin's exhaustively researched book."

    Well, that's going to ring a lot of bells for a few friends of mine (Tomalin has some very devoted fans among those who love biographies). I wonder if Augustus Dickens, the brother who skipped out on his wife after she went blind (who Charles supported, as well as the next wife that Augustus died on) makes an appearance.*

    *Fun fact: Augustus Dickens is buried here in Chicago in the lovely Graceland Cemetery.

  2. Wow, does that Seventh Son look awful. Just who again was clamoring for more Prince Caspian? I mean, the dude was good in Easy Virtue, so nothing against him or anything, but A Royal Affair's Alicia Vikander (great movie, btw) deserves far better than this.

    Also, someone really ought to make a supercut of badass old people saying "we are part of a secret society that has protected humanity for thousands of years..." I wonder if they have intersociety cruise vacations or periodicals or something. I mean, surely they know about each other, right?