Monday, August 4, 2014

Flick Bait: 9 Movies About Lists

by Doug Schultz
What better way to begin this inaugural column than with a list of movies featuring lists.

Welcome to Flick Bait, my new weekly submission (eww) in which I post lists, trivia, opinions, pictures and videos about movies in an effort to generate enlightened conversation [and shamelessly drive up web traffic]. What follows is an attempt to talk with you, dear reader, about film in an open, nontraditional manner. Please feel free to leave your feedback (including corrections and omissions [although I probably have a good reason for leaving something out]), as well as suggestions for future articles, in the comments below. Let's begin, shall we?

1. High Fidelity (2000)

The list movie that inspired this list about movies with lists. Main character Rob Gordon (John Cusack) obsessively makes lists about, well, everything. Dream jobs. Side ones, track ones. And, of course, the list we all have (but probably don't admit to) of previous sexual conquests. He's obsessive about list making. So much so that, when he discovers an up-and-coming skate punk band (the Kinky Wizards [a.k.a., Royal Trux]) outside his record store, he signs them on a whim to his yet-to-be-established record label. The name he comes up with? Top Five Records. "It's ... it's really fucking good."

2. Kill Bill (2003 and 2004)
The lesson here? Don't piss off Beatrix Kiddo.

3. Billy Madison (1995)

Just one scene. But, man, WHAT a scene. Absurdist humor at its best, and definitely NOT a harbinger of future Adam Sandler projects. Danny McGrath (Steve Buscemi) gets the apology he's been longing for from our newly enlightened protagonist. And just like that, Billy's name is scratched off Danny's "People to Kill List." And then there's the lipstick. "Goo!"

4. The Ten Commandments (1956)

I still haven't seen it (does anyone really blame me?), but I'm pretty sure it has to do with a list of some sort. JB HAS seen it, however, and he shits on it. Shits on it good.

5. What's Your Number? (2011)

Now this movie I HAVE seen (that's the kind of cinephile I am), but I don't recall if there's an actual, concrete list presented in the film. Does it matter? Probably not. Ally Darling (Anna Faris) looks back at the past 20 men she's had relationships with, and wonders if one of them might be her one true love. Uh, hello, ALLY DARLING (best name ever? [barf name barfer?])? Captain FUCKING America (Chris Evans) is standing RIGHT. NEXT. TO. YOU. And he's singing a song!

6. The To Do List (2013)
Listen, I don't hate this movie as much as everyone else does (it could be because I watched it for the first time last night, and I was just in THAT MOOD), but I do admit that it has problems and is uneven and contains way too much poo eating. Other than that, I think it's funny. SUE ME (c/o Patrick Bromley). Flick Bait's first controversial opinion?

7. The Bucket List (2007)
We have this garbage movie to thank for introducing the expression "Bucket List" into mainstream conversation. Now EVERYBODY'S got a goddamn bucket list. And guess what? They all suck. Like this movie. Really? You want to FALL IN LOVE before you die? While jumping out of an airplane? Over the Himalayas at sunrise? Whoops! I just died of boredom. Here's what's NOT on my bucket list: having sex with my granddaughter, like Morgan Freeman did.

8. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

In order to bang Ramona Flowers, our eponymous hero must defeat her seven evil exes, including Chris Evans (Captain FUCKING America) and Brandon Routh (the lamest Superman). Not to mention Jason Schwartzman, who any woman in her right mind would definitely choose over a whiny, 80-pound Michael Cera (most of that weight is in his silly hair). And, hey: Scott! You already have the [arguably] more appealing (especially to nerds with Asian fetishes) Knives Chau in the bag! Why the obsession with the stone-faced girl who, honestly, seems kinda boring?

9. Schindler's List (1993)
Well, duh.


  1. I like the way you write, Doug, like the humor and yes, The To Do List wasn't as bad as "they" say.

    1. It's not terrible, but I'm not sure I'd actually call it good.

  2. Top Ten reasons this column is awesome.

    1. DOUG'S BACK!
    2-10. See 1.

  3. I wanted to see The To-Do List at first before it came out, then I didn't because it seemed mediocre at best, then I saw that picture and I want to see it again...Aubrey Plaza does it for me.

    Also, hooray High Fidelity! Hooray new column!

  4. Thanks for the nice comments, guys. It's good to be back!

  5. What a great topic! Awesome article, Doug.

  6. This is the beginning of a new ERA.

  7. Are all the "flick bait" columns going to feature a picture of a girl masturbating?

  8. Great to see you back on the reg, Doug!

    Of the few movies on this list I haven't seen, I'm guessing High Fidelity is the one I should probably cross of my list first?

    Oh, and that I should never watch the movie that has Chris Evans, who I've come to respect (because Captain America) and maybe even love (because Snowpiercer), singing the cheezy rocked out version of "3 Times a Lady" (possibly the only worse thing about that scene being Anna's dancing)? Good god, that was obnoxious!

  9. Ah Doug,

    So nice to see a column (a fancy word for a list) openly embracing the quirky, nerdy satisfaction that comes with making lists and reading lists, and talking lists, and changing lists. In fact, this column will probably make my top 5 with a bullet.

  10. Great to have Doug back with a cool new column!

  11. This column did not resemble IMDb ratings. Besides I don't like this guy's tone.