Growing Up Nerdy

 by Adam Thas and Mike Pomaro

The Nerdy Boys see what happens when superheroes meet slashers.

Dear Growing Up Nerdy,
I’ve been reading all of Heather Wixson’s tweets and with Robert Englund back in make-up, I have to admit I’m really excited about Flashback this weekend! With all of these ComiCons and horror conventions happening, I feel like my worlds are colliding.  I was wondering: what do you think would happen if the Comic world and the Horror world really did collide?

-Collision in Chicago

We think it might look a little something like this...

Mike:
Batman v. Freddy: Dawn of Dream Warrior

This is a battle for the ages. Here’s why: I’m a big fan of Batman. Not a how-on-earth-did-you-not-love-The-Dark-Knight-Rises-I-hope-you-and-your-family-die type of fan, but a fan nonetheless. Not only does Batman have the best rouges gallery (sorry, Spidey) and not only does he look cool as hell, but Batman (and Bruce Wayne) have always been really interesting to me. Bruce Wayne wasn’t bitten by a radioactive bat and he wasn’t sent here from some faraway planet. Instead, he’s a gorgeous billionaire with super strength and hyper-intelligence. In other words, HE’S JUST LIKE US.

Batman is usually the smartest person in any room he enters, so he beats Freddy in the intelligence department immediately. Batman comes out on top of most of his fights because he’s ten steps ahead of his opponent. And let’s face it, Freddy is usually defeated by some pimply-faced teenagers that are failing history and gym. Batman would quickly assess Freddy’s strengths and weaknesses and then devise a plan to shut that child molester down. But…

Freddy invades your dreams and uses your fears against you. If Freddy wanted to torture me, I’d be dreaming of spiders and failure. Bruce Wayne, however, might not stand a chance. Take Freddy out of the equation for a minute. Can you imagine what Bruce Wayne’s dreams are like on a normal night?! This is a grown-ass man that dresses up like a fucking bat to fight crime. He has issues and they haven’t been dealt with. Freddy would bring all of that shit to the surface and with a stupid one-liner, like “BATter up!” He’d move in to destroy the Dark Knight with a Louisville slugger.

As I write this, it dawns on me that Batman has faced, and defeated, Scarecrow dozens of times. Scarecrow, like Freddy, feeds on fear and uses a special gas to make his opponent hallucinate and confront those fears. But last time I check Scarecrow didn’t have a glove like Freddy, so advantage Krueger!

In the end, who wins? The answer: Dokken. Because if I were in charge of this movie, I’d be bringing them back to do the theme song.



Adam:
Superman v. Jason: Dawn of The New Blood. 

Cold Opening: It’s a cloudy night in Metropolis. As the moon peaks through the clouds, a few silhouetted figures with digging equipment work late into the night. This is Metropolis, the city of tomorrow, an ever expanding landscape of modern technology. With that expansion comes the demand for transit expansion. In the foreground, a man walks wearing a hat that says “MPW,” which stands for  “Metropolis Public Works.” 

As the backhoe goes in for another swing, you hear the snap of electrical wires.  Sparks begin to fly. Instantly, electricity is sent flowing through the ground and surrounding machinery, killing all the workers. 

As we stare out amongst a dead landscape, it is silent. No machines running. Corpses surround the hole the men were working on only seconds earlier. 

Looking past the workers and closer to the hole, a lone hand emerges. A very large body comes out of the hole. It’s ragged and backlit. We can’t make out much, except that this creature is wearing a hockey mask!

That’s how it begins folks. Jason is loose in Metropolis, and no one is safe! I’m sure it would be a while until the killings across the city grab the attention of the Man of Steel. The battle between these two would start out with the dimwitted Jason grabbing a machete and taking a giant swing at Superman. After quickly realizing this is a pointless endeavor, Jason will begin picking up objects to throw at Superman. Again, pointless, as the son of Jor-el brushes away these objects with ease. It’s time for Superman to end this and quickly.

Superman is hesitant at first; he has know idea what he is dealing with, so he would begin with trying to restrain and reason with the beast known as Jason. My guess is it would be a giant bear hug, followed by Superman saying over and over how he “doesn’t want to hurt” Jason. After a few seconds, Jason struggles free, grabs a giant steel rod and slams it into an off-guard Superman.  Superman realizes he cannot reason with Jason.

I’m sure this fight would go on for a while. A man of steel and an undead killing machine would be able to trade blows for quite some time.  Even though Superman is of superior strength and power, he has a weakness that Jason does not: Superman doesn’t kill.

As the battle rages with Superman held back by his own morals, Jason inevitably would force Kal-El’s hand by endangering innocents. Jason, so consumed with rage, picks of a giant rock and hurls it at a nearby house. Using his super-speed, Superman plucks the rock out of the air, but sees that it was seconds away from killing a young girl sleeping in her room. Superman is now going to let loose and Jason doesn’t stand a chance. Using his super-speed, Superman grabs Jason and flies up into the atmosphere within a matter of seconds. Using his ice-breath, Superman freezes Jason and hurls him with all his might to a passing asteroid. With a thud, Jason lands there, frozen in ice, waiting.

Post Credit Scene: It’s the 30th century and Lightning Lad and several other members of the Legion of Superheroes are investigating the crash of a mysterious asteroid at their favorite hang-out: Camp Crystal Lake...

Adam: So after reading last week’s post of sci-fi women that you’d want to spend time with on a starship, Mike and I have decided that we are adding a weekly segment to our little column. Nerd F, Marry, Kill. In case you don’t know how this works, this week I will give Mike a list of three women -- one woman he needs to F, one he needs to Marry and one he needs to Kill. This week’s NFMK is: Psylock, The White Queen (aka Emma Frost), and Jean Grey.

Mike: You’re a bastard, Adam Thas. A bastard. Sigh.

Adam: The point is I’m YOUR bastard.

Mike:  Okay, I’d marry Jean Grey, because that’s the only answer for her. It then comes down to the White Queen and Psylocke. While Psylocke was one of my first loves (Thank you, Jim Lee!), I’d have to kill her. The White Queen is just too damn sexy and so bad she’s good. Plus, it seemed to work out for Cyclops, right?