by Adam Riske
10. 3D – This would have been higher on my list if it weren’t (more or less) on its way out already, but 3D is obnoxious and not just because it makes the image darker and the tickets are more expensive. I find 3D annoying because it’s a waste of time and space. Say I want to see Insurgent and there are five screenings of it on any given day. Two of those screenings are in 3D, so I have to throw those out as opportunities to see the movie and now I’m left with only three chances to see the movie that day instead of what would have been five. Lastly, 3D is a spectacle and spectacles can be distracting, taking me out of a movie as opposed to immersing me in the experience. It’s more difficult to pay attention to a story while watching a 3D movie. At least that’s my opinion.
31 days straight of seeing a movie in a theater challenge and besides me being one of two people in the entire theater, it was a huge bummer because it was in this digital projection that looked about as good as a VHS tape. The only exception where I enjoy revival screenings at chain theaters are the series curated by the Chicago Film Critics Association because they do a nice job with their post-movie Q&A’s, which are engaging and interesting and always well-attended.
8. D-Box Motion Sensory Seats – Only a few theaters have these, but my experience with them is not the multi-sensory revolution they advertised. It’s just a seat that does things to your butt and back. At times the motion against your bladder is so pronounced that I had to get up out of the theater and go to the bathroom. These seats blow. For more on my experience with D-Box, read my column on when I went to a D-Box theater to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation. I said it better back then.
here. I go to AMC Theaters a lot and their popcorn is miserable. It doesn’t matter if you put butter or salt on it, it just sucks. Plus, it’s super expensive! You’re better off getting mini Nestle Crunch Ice Cream Bites even if it’s the middle of winter or hitting up White Castle on the way home and saving your money on the blah refreshments. Except for the Coke Freestyle machine…that thing is dope.
5. Old Bathrooms – You know I love old classic theatres, but some of their bathrooms are fucking disgusting. The décor looks like it’s from the 1930s – a prison from the 1930s. Bathroom ambience has improved so much since the troth days that it’s inexcusable to feel like you’re going to get shanked nowadays when you hit the head. Plus it has that old classic pee smell, which is worse than new chain theater pee smell. I don’t know why but that’s a science fact. Also a fact? In every classic movie theatre bathroom at least one person has died of unnatural causes. They be ghosts in there that say boo while you poo, yo.
4. Assigned Seating – I talked to one commenter last week about assigned seating (which they liked, so I might be in the minority here) but I don’t particularly care for it. I understand the convenience of being able to pick out seats exactly where you want to sit and not having to get there early, but on the downside what if you’re stuck next to someone who is a talker or in other ways misbehaving? I went to see The Avengers opening night and my assigned seat was next to one that a couple was sharing. The man was holding his girlfriend like she was a newborn baby, cradling her in his lap. I couldn’t move because my seat was assigned, and while I was trying to enjoy watching Iron Man and Captain America I instead was pre-occupied with this weird pair of lovebirds.
1. Open Seating – If the theater is not full, don’t sit in front of me or behind me. Give me some personal space, especially if I’m sitting off to the side and not in the middle of the row. It’s just being courteous. I fully get it if the movie theater is crowded, but not at all if it’s only 1/3 full.