Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Cinema Bestius: The Pause That Refreshes

A short note from a loving Pope of Film to his flock of soulless heathens…

Your Sprocket Holiness will be taking a leave of absence during the month of October, this so-called “Scary Movie Month.” With all the attention this teetering-on-the-rim-of-hell-at-this-very-moment website will focus on gore, sin, lawlessness, bloodshed, and the devil, a simple column outlining the greatest films ever made seems a little out of place and beside the point.

It’s okay that Halloween makes Jesus sad! You go right ahead and have your fun, posting your reviews and reveling in the fellowship of those who, like you, are entertained by scenes of people eating flesh and drinking blood and rising from the dead which, as Pope, I find SHOCKING and WEIRD.

Yea, verily… rest assured that I am not judging my dear readers. (I am absolutely judging you.) The Pope of Popes will return in November to continue his countdown and to pray for your immortal souls so they do not writhe in anguish and hellfire for all of eternity—or the length of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening, whichever seems longest.

In the meantime, please sate your cinematic bloodlust with the other podcasts and columns from this deeply disturbed group of sinners. Apostles Bromley, Ahn, Asperschlager, Cannon, DiCristino, Holland, Pomaro, Riske, Schultz, Thas, and Uhrin (not to mention that sad little fatboy in the corner who goes by “JB”) are all lost souls, floundering blindly on the road to celluloid salvation. SPOILER ALERT—most of them don’t make it into movie heaven, but they do all make the Pope chuckle. My, how I chuckle… chuckle and pray.


  1. No one knows how or why The Purge works. It just does.

  2. Jesus isn't just sad. He's pissed off to high hell and making a mess in his motel room. Things will get better once October is over. That's what he's thinking, and then it'll get freaking cold and the snow will start flying. I'd hate to see the state of the motel room come April.

    Love this column. Was kind of disappointed about that wonderful movie I never saw called "The Pause That Refreshes" but then again, that would be a dumb f-ing title for a movie.