Monday, April 10, 2017

Riske Business: Dom's Family Land

by Adam Riske
I’ve designed the world’s first Fast & the Furious theme park. Allow me to show you around!


• “Cars Can’t Fly”: Drive your Lykan HyperSport through multiple high-rise towers after being dropped out of the sky out from a cargo plane.

• “Letty’s Dead”: Only open during Halloween season, our favorite little amnesiac will show you the dark side of family in an elaborate 4D haunted house.

• “Parking Garage Drift”: You think you’re the real DK? Prove it on this multi-level track!

• “Rio Rugrats”: Looking for something to do with the kids? Run across the Rio de Janeiro rooftops with them in our giant play area. Not recommended if you are pregnant. I mean, we’ll allow it, but it’s not recommended.

• “Safe Chase”: It’s anything but. Get dragged through Brazil as you sit in a giant safe being dragged by Dom and Brian.

• “Shaws: The Revenge”: Avoid the Shaw brothers (Owen & Deckard) as they try to fuck up a drive with your family on airport runways and mountain roads.

• “Smack That Ass!” 2 Fast minutes of racing capped with 2 Furious boosts of N20.

• “Tunnel of Terror”: Drive undetected across the border and evade Braga’s henchmen all in one!

• “Dom and Letty’s Wedding”: Show times every hour. Gifts and formal dress not required.

• ““Engines: They Calm Me Down” with Jesse”: No one goes to this. Seasonal schedule shared with another attraction no one likes “Hackin’ It with Ramsey”.

• “Race Wars”: Take your car out of the parking lot and race other guests for their pink slips. Separate admission required unless you’re dressed like a schoolgirl.

• “Roman’s Barstow Speedway Demo Derby”: Grab a mini bag of popcorn and watch the sparks fly.

Eateries & Food & More

• “Cha Cha Cha”: A Cuban restaurant with little red candles. Reservations are strongly recommended.

• “Dom’s Picnic Table”: Barbecue chicken, salad, beans, corn. If you’re the first to reach in at your table, you say grace.

• “Gallo’s Pizza”: Can you tell me right quick if you want a Gallo 12 oz. or a Gallo 24 oz. soda with your slice? The perfect place to Stare & Dine your lady.

• “Han’s Snackables”: Honor our fallen brother with chips and other munchies located at multiple stands throughout the park.

• “Tej’s Garage”: In 2003, Roman Pierce said of Tej’s: “You hongry? You ain’t hungry no more, bruh! Tej’s has the best of everything from burgers to wraps. The perfect place for lunch!”

• “Tokyo High School Cafeteria”: Recharge for your next drift with Lo mein, sushi and other lunch tray delicacies.

• “Toretto’s Market & Café”: An eclectic menu of SoCal favorites. We recommend the tuna salad with no crust or the shrimp. Due to limited seating, you have to eat it really fast just like Brian O’ Connor.

• Alcohol is served at the park. The only beer is Corona (except Belgian Ale is served at “Mr. Nobody’s Specialty Beer Warehouse”). We also serve shots of Jack Daniels in honor of Brian & Mia’s “Little Jack.”

• NOS Energy Drink available everywhere. Buy 7, get the 8th free at The Racer’s Edge Souvenir Shop. Be sure to stop by from 3pm to 5pm daily for autograph signings with Vyto Ruginis (Harry) and Noel Gugliemi (Hector).


• Thought you could leave without saying goodbye? Every night at park closing, we play the song “See You Again” to a grand fireworks display over a montage of Brian O’ Connor clips. The final fireworks spell out “For Paul”. There will not be a dry eye in the park! You can see the fireworks anywhere on the property but the best view is from the Buster Pavilion.

• Ill-fitting white tank tops are available for purchase at Toretto’s Market & Café.

• See-through tank tops are available for purchase at Vince’s “Watch Your, Watch Your, Watch Your Back” Kiosk.

• Under Armour shirts are available for purchase at the Hobbs End Kiosk. Please note: Under Armour shirts are not available in October, as the Hobbs End Kiosk will be lent out to our friends at the nearby In the Mouth of Madness theme park.

• DVD players are no longer available for sale because too many people were stealing them.


• “Braga Bar”: Nothing to braga bout, but you can get in a game of pool or drink away your sorrows.

• “Leo & Santos”: Need a gambling fix? Visit our Monaco themed casino. Nightly performances by Ja Rule.

• “Pearl”: Your night’s not done after Dom’s Family Land closes. It’s about to get serious in here, bruh. Verone’s hot Miami-themed dance club is open till dawn. Grab a cigar and meet me in the VIP! Order a “TBBT” for the table aka a Tarantula, a Bucket & a Blow Torch. Great for birthdays!

• The park is large. We recommend taking it a quarter-mile at a time.

• If you want to skip the lines, purchase a FastPass for select rides. Go to any ticket booth and say “How ‘bout we kick it a nickel?” If you want to be guaranteed entry to all shows and attractions, yell “I need the G-D’s EYE!”

• Single Riders are allowed. Enter under the sign that says “My code is precision.” If you are riding with a group, enter under the sign that says “My code is family.”

• Say “Wuh-man, I am the cavalry!” to any employee and they will rub you down with baby oil.

Salute mi familia.

For the comments:

1) What are your ideas for the park? I’ll take them under advisement.

2) What are you most excited about for F8 of the Furious?


  1. Anticipating the post-credits stinger where we can see what role Dom's crew will play in Infinity War. Seriously these guys have evolved from street racers/DVD player thieves into the second coming of the Avengers. Not that I'm complaining. If they would have stuck with the racing and petty crimes, the second one would have been 2 Much 4 Me.

  2. This article damn near broke my brain. (In a good way.) (I think.)

    And the stinger to F8 has got to be the appearance of Xander Cage, right?! It's time to Double the Diesel!

    #CinematicUniverse #ItsAllConnected #HollywoodLawDictatesEveryFranchiseRequiresSamuelLJackson

  3. I'm excited to see if Vince will return, like Dom's hot angry girlfriend did.

    1. I want that one dude (on Dom's crew) who was the lookout from the original to come back. Leon played by Johnny Strong.

  4. • “Parking Garage Drift”: You think you’re the real DK? Prove it on this multi-level track!

    This is a reference to Diddy Kong Racing, the old Nintendo 64 go-kart video game, right? If it is, it's the only thing in this article that I understood.

    1. Dom... Dom DeLuise. He was in the Cannonball Run driving movies. Hah, I got another reference. Naiiiiled it. Imma get my boy credentials before I know it.

    2. Compliment or insult. I cannot decide which of these this is, Maskeradi. I'm cool with either. If nothing else, I've given you a cool superhero name in my time on this site. Did you know your name could anagrammatised this way? You're welcome.

    3. *could be anagramatised. Dang it, I'm always intimidated into illiteracy when you people respond to my posts.

  5. Seriously these guys have evolved from street racers/DVD player thieves into the second coming of the Avengers.