The Cropsey Incident (2017, dir. Julian Grant)
What if a group of fame-hungry, You Tubing millennials made The Blair Witch Project? What if they were awful human beings? I mean, just the worst and most reprehensible assholes imaginable? What if they never stopped shouting at you? That’s The Cropsey Incident, a found-footage mockumentary (?) that, as far as I can tell, aims to expose the false outrage of SJW activist culture by pitting four idiots (Rinska Carrasco Prestinary, Terry Bell, Brandon Galatz, and Hannah Phelps) against Cropsey, the mysterious, child-stealing creature of urban legend. In the film, the four members of H.A.T.E. (Humans Against Tyrants Everywhere), determined to get more hits on their Facepage and Twatter sites, set off into the woods. There, they encounter satanic symbols, creepy recluses, and shadowy monsters, which they use as props in a series of videos claiming to chronicle their search for lost children. But, twist! They’re so opportunistic and deluded that they don’t realize the dangers are real! Soon, just as egos clash and supplies run low, Baghead Jason shows up to make creepy sounds and pee all over their camera equipment. It’s all very exciting.
The Attic (2017, dir. Chanaphon Rinla)
Don’t watch The Attic. I’ll get that out of the way first thing. It’s cheap, poorly-acted, bizarrely-edited, and incredibly boring. It’s the story of Tom (Lorenzo de Stefano), who owns many houses. He gives one of these houses to his assistant, Pat (Pla Komaratat) and her children, Gun (Gun Osathanugrah) and Lily (Nutchanun Mahingsa). Later, Pat and Tom begin dating. Even more later, Pat discovers that Tom had impregnated and murdered his housekeeper, Katin (the awesomely-named Ice Natcha), and that her spirit is haunting the house. Most later, Katin kills Tom after Tom goes crazy. That’s essentially it. There’s a subplot about Gun’s angst and one about Pat being a painter. Neither really goes anywhere. It seems like they might have been trying to make Fifty Shades of Grey Except Horror and Set in Thailand, but it’s difficult to tell with only the garbled and nonsensical footage available. Each scene is a combination of/variation on four elements: 1. Pat walks around the house, 2. Pat and Tom bone, 3. Gun angrily plays piano, or 4. Lily talks to haunted dolls. There are literally no scares in the film. Not one moment of building dread or bloodthirsty rage. A zombie jumps on a guy, and he dies.
My point is that life is full of amazing mysteries. I’ll leave you with two of my favorite exchanges from The Attic:
INT. ONE OF TOM’S HOUSES - DAY
I’m thinking about a games room.
Shame. The light is pretty good.
Yeah, you could be right.
INT. WHAT I ASSUME IS TOM’S OFFICE - DAY
How is your new home?
Very good. If we didn’t have Tom, we would have had nowhere to go.
It’s great he helped like that. He’s such a hunk, and charming, too. But be careful, or some young thing may snatch him up. Really, your kids will understand.
Happy Scary Movie Month!