Seriously, was this secretly made in 1997? or Unexpected Jerry O'Connell was very fucking unexpected!! or Wish Upon saxophone Dad, Wishmaster... Buddy Cops!!
(Sorry but there are way way too many seven word reviews out of this film... Adam Riske, once again you nail it with the recommendations!!)
Another reason why this movie totally doesn't work. The poster and the score are the only good things about it and thematically have nothing to do with the film. A MESS. Literally. There's a scene where they have to drink a tampon. That tells you everything you need to know.
Me too. I wrote a comment saying that Frank Black had been a contestant on Dancing With the Stars that year and it had given the band a real shot in the arm with the millenial youth, but I scrapped it due to it sucking. :)
Raw (2016, Dir: Julia Ducournau)
ReplyDeleteSomeone giving you the finger? Eat it.
LIFEFORCE (1985)
ReplyDeleteWhy Pence won't be alone with women.
The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue (1974)
ReplyDeleteCrummy cops can't kill crop-corpse creeps
Night Creatures (1962)
ReplyDeleteLess Creature Feature, more Tight Pantaloons Feature.
Lady in the Water (2006)
ReplyDeleteScrunts, Narfs, Paul Giamatti, and other disappointments.
BOOGEYMAN (2005)
ReplyDeleteI'll never understand why I re-watched this.
Fright Night Part II (1989)
ReplyDeleteBowling with human heads? Still beats candlepin.
10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
ReplyDeleteWait! Bradley Cooper is in this one?
Gerald's Game (2017)
ReplyDeleteGives new meaning to "breakfast in bed"
Best review of this movie so far.
DeleteFrankenstein (1931)
ReplyDeleteWhen Frankenstein splits, hanging up the Fritz!
The Void (2016)
ReplyDeleteThere were fine people...on both sides.
Nice. I feel like Trump's seven word reviews could be a worthy sidebar.
DeleteHOUSE (1986)
ReplyDeleteBig Ben? No...it's your fairy godmother!
Christine (1983)
ReplyDeleteBy far Carpenter's worst opening credits music
or
DeleteThat's how I feel about Plymouth Gin
Jeepers creepers (2001)
ReplyDeleteSeparating art from artist can be tough
Date of the Dead (2016)
ReplyDeleteIndie anthology has appealing performances; surprisingly decent.
XX (2017)
ReplyDeleteBirthday parties really suck in this universe.
Leatherface (2017)
ReplyDeleteFeels like a Lifetime version of TCM.
Or
Poorly timed release for bastardizing of Hooperverse
Wish Upon (2017)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, was this secretly made in 1997?
or
Unexpected Jerry O'Connell was very fucking unexpected!!
or
Wish Upon saxophone Dad, Wishmaster... Buddy Cops!!
(Sorry but there are way way too many seven word reviews out of this film... Adam Riske, once again you nail it with the recommendations!!)
Also even now after watching it i'm convinced that was Elisabeth Röhm playing Kate Hudson playing Joey King's mother(!)...
DeleteOr is that the other way around, have those two ever been seen in the same room?!
DeleteDon't Deliver Us From Evil (1971)
ReplyDeleteThese girls need a serious time out.
Rebellion against Catholicism takes a nasty turn.
DeleteThis modest film is surprisingly effect. The scene with the bird particularly lingers in my mind.
Effective.
DeleteAmityville: The Awakening (2017, dir. Franck Khalfoun)
ReplyDelete"Looks haunted, lol." More Patrick than Amityville.
Boo (1932)
ReplyDeleteUses classic horror clips for good chuckles.
Bone Tomahawk (2015)
ReplyDeleteHa! Twas merely just a flesh wound.
The Prowler (1981)
ReplyDeleteShotgun, knife, pitchfork. A GI's best friends.
The Dentist 2: Brace Yourself (1998)
ReplyDelete"Third baseman, Roger Dorn, fails at dentistry."
Little Evil (2017) - Adam and Evangeline vs Little Evil - Awww!
ReplyDeleteDawn of the Dead (1978)
ReplyDeleteGet (your head) to the chopper (blade)!
Better Watch Out (2016, dir. Chris Peckover)
ReplyDeleteWorthy successor to It's A Wonderful Life.
Seed of Chucky (2004)
ReplyDeleteDirected by Tim Burton's scumbag twin brother?
Maniac Cop, Battle of the chins!
ReplyDeleteSilent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
ReplyDeleteMost copyright infringement in a film ever.
Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996)
ReplyDeleteEvery good franchise goes to space eventually.
I think you mean "every franchise eventually goes to space and becomes good."
DeleteYeah but that's two words too many.
DeleteThe Curse of Sleeping Beauty (2016)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully filmed, very boring movie.
Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
ReplyDeleteWhodunnit? No really. I'm not sure. Whodunnit?
Disturbing Behavior (1998)
ReplyDelete"So thats what happened to Tom Cruise!"
Little Evil (2017): I got insanely excited by Al's truck.
ReplyDeleteCold Moon (2016, dir. Griff Furst)
ReplyDeleteWatched for Tommy Wiseau's cameo. Don't bother.
The Craft (1996)
ReplyDeleteSo much '90s music. Goth girls unite.
When I was 8, we used to play The Craft...
DeleteI am very excited to revisit it at the MBOH. I already spent Tunney Money on a ticket!
DeleteApril Fool's Day (1986) -- Finally, a time you could use dick-towel...
ReplyDeleteThe Wizard of Gore (1970)
ReplyDeleteDo people really have that much blood?
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) Dir. Tommy Lee Wallace
ReplyDeleteYou could still keep her head, Atkins.
Dog Soldiers (2002)
ReplyDeleteWho let the dog soldiers out?! Ahh-wooooooo!
or
Cry Havoc! Let slip the dog soldiers.
Dracula: Pages from a Virgin's Diary (2003)
ReplyDeleteFilm adaptation of Winnipeg Ballet's Dracula interpretation.
you guys know anything about a Lucio Fulci movie called Manhattan Baby? any good?
ReplyDeleteDepends on who you ask. I think it's a lesser Fulci film, but that doesn't man I don't like it. Fans are generally divided on this one.
Delete*mean
DeleteI'm totally with Chaybee. It has some really cool stuff but it's not one of his best. Giovanni Frezza, tho.
DeleteThe blue underground blu-ray collector edition is available at the used dvd store. I’m thinking of picking it up if it’s still there tonight
DeleteI would get it just for the soundtrack CD, even if it does reuse music from THE BEYOND.
DeleteDamn, i waited too long. They sold it already
DeleteBetter Watch Out (2017)
ReplyDeleteReally fun Christmas horror. A nice surprise.
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (2007)
ReplyDeleteNot scary. Bed time...
...WHAT WAS THAT!
Devil (2010)
ReplyDeleteHow did they detect evil before toast?
Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) Dir. Dwight H. Little
ReplyDeleteMichael Myers; great murderer, TERRIBLE at chicken.
Halloween (2007)
ReplyDeleteThis movie sucks...oh, hi Danielle Harris.
Lmao
DeleteThe Woods (2006)
ReplyDeleteBullied out of kindness, well that's different.
The Strangers (2008)
ReplyDeleteLoonies let loose in Liv’s lover’s livingroom.
... livers lacerated; lots of liquid left lying.
DeleteThe Green Inferno (2015)
ReplyDeleteEqual to new coffee flavor: Blumpkin Spice.
Curse of Chucky (2013)
ReplyDeleteBut wait.... did they like the chili???
That’s funny.
DeleteThe House By The Cemetery
ReplyDeleteArrow Video make the Reddest Reds Redder
It Comes at Night (2017)
ReplyDeleteLet's just keep away from that door.
Audition (1999)
ReplyDeleteThere’s most definitely a mystery AFOOT here.
"Super Dark Times" (2017)
ReplyDeleteKid's got no game, despite Mom's efforts
Wish Upon (2017)
ReplyDeleteI too am majoring in dumpster diving.
It Follows (2015)
ReplyDeleteFair warning, better wear a rubber dude
XX (2017): A killer good time by the ladies.
ReplyDeleteBlack Sheep (2006)
ReplyDeletePost Traumatic Sheep Disorder is real, man.
Better Watch Out (2017)
ReplyDeletePretty great combination of three horror sub-genres.
The Thing (1982)
ReplyDeleteThe best canine performance in film history
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt Comes At Night (2017)
DeleteThere's a "come" joke somewhere in here
Don't Kill It (2016)
ReplyDeleteCould only afford that one sound effect.
Prince of Darkness
ReplyDeleteToo bad Goo Gone wasn’t around then.
Halloween is Grinch Night (1977)
ReplyDeleteDr. Seuss, by way of R. Crumb.
Better Watch Out (2017)
ReplyDeleteIn comparison Laurie Strode had it easy.
Tonight She Comes (2016)
ReplyDeleteProbably the worst I've seen this year.
Dang! I really wanted to see that. I've already listened to the score a lot on spotify, it's amazing.
DeleteAnother reason why this movie totally doesn't work. The poster and the score are the only good things about it and thematically have nothing to do with the film. A MESS. Literally. There's a scene where they have to drink a tampon. That tells you everything you need to know.
DeleteThe Conjuring 2 (2015)
ReplyDeleteNot that scary, after listening to Skeptoid.
Horrors of Dracula (1958)
ReplyDeleteGrand Moff Van Tarkin versus Count Dookula
Don't Look Now (1973)
ReplyDeleteConfusion as a theme lost me early.
Amityville: The Awakening (2017)
ReplyDeleteTeenager in 2017 with a Pixies poster?
In their defense, it was actually 2014. (wistfully)...It was a different time then...
DeleteMy initial review alluded to this: (Amityville: The Awakening (1927) "took 90 years to appreciate The Pixies") but I'm awful at being clever so...
DeleteMe too. I wrote a comment saying that Frank Black had been a contestant on Dancing With the Stars that year and it had given the band a real shot in the arm with the millenial youth, but I scrapped it due to it sucking. :)
DeleteThe Cult poster is inexplicable, though.
DeleteReeeks of director taste. Movie also reeeeks of distaste.
DeleteIt (2017)
ReplyDeleteWhat? Was 99 Red Balloons too pricey?
The Grudge (2004)
ReplyDeleteNever trust kids that meow like cats.
The Loved Ones (2010) Dir. Sean Byrne
ReplyDeleteHot damn I love those Aussie women.
What We Do in the Shadows: "Christopher Guest" and vampires in New Zealand.
ReplyDeleteBram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
ReplyDeleteCommissioner Gordon does big-budget community theater.
The Girl with All the Gifts (2017)
ReplyDeleteTeachers are still underpaid in the apocalypse.
The Faculty (1998)
ReplyDeleteAlien slug infestation still Knowles character boost.
XX (2017)
ReplyDeleteBecause traumatizing children is a Laugh riot.
47 Meters Down (2017)
ReplyDeleteGood to see Private Joker find work.
Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)
ReplyDeleteScary when I was 6...It's horror.
Videodrome (1983) Dir. David Cronenberg
ReplyDeleteAnd the rewinder is in his ass.
Blood Rage (1987) with F This Movie Commentary
ReplyDeleteLouise Lasser is clearly Willem Dafoe's mother
Dear God now I can't unsee that...
DeleteDead Alive (1992)
ReplyDeletePeter Jackson Pollock splatter paints with blood.
The Hidden (1987)
ReplyDeleteLike Alien Nation with less sour milk.
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
ReplyDeleteI miss this version of Zach Snyder.
Sleepaway Camp (1983) with F This Movie Commentary
ReplyDeleteHow do we transition...all male dogpile?
mother! (2017)
ReplyDeleteThe Money Pit, but with bible metaphors
Cult of Chucky (2017)
ReplyDeleteFiona looks like Brad now, thanks Chaybee.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
ReplyDeleteThought Freddy started out with Bone Claws.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985)
ReplyDeleteEven Freddy likes a good weenie roast.
Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)
ReplyDeleteCreature swims well. Julie Adams swims sexy.
Demonic (2015)
ReplyDeleteSo bland I can't make a joke.
Raw (2016)
ReplyDeleteHey, if it looks good, eat it!
Witchtrap (1989)
ReplyDeleteTrying to imagine who didn't get cast.
Ghostkeeper (1981)
ReplyDeleteCanada: cold, snow, remote, full of Windigos.
The Stepfather (1987)
ReplyDeleteOne of horror's most inappropriate nude scenes.
Inappropriate Schoelen nudity is an impossibility!
DeleteMortuary (1983)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, what happened with the basement cult?
Hack-O-Latern (1988)
ReplyDeleteHey... they stole that climax from Highlander!
Ooops, posts this in two days. Sorry Patrick!
Delete