Tuesday, May 15, 2018

'90s Kids Movie Club: BLANK CHECK

by Adam Riske
I would have bought more Nerf.

Adam (age 11): Court’s in session! It’s the 90’s Kids Movie Club and we’re talking Blank Check, the story of a young boy who steals a million dollars from some criminals and spends it all in six days.

Adam (age 35): Do you like Blank Check, young me?

Adam (age 11): I don’t like Brian Bonsall, but otherwise it’s pretty awesome!

Adam (age 35): Yeah, what’s with him? Half of the time he seems to know he’s a kid in a 90’s Disney movie and the other half he’s giving non-committal line deliveries and mumbling.

Adam (age 11): Yeah, he’s a loser.

Adam (age 35): That’s not nice!

Adam (age 11): He doesn’t have any friends!

Adam (age 35): Yeah that is a little weird. Even unpopular kids seem to have at least one friend. Hell, Richie Rich didn’t even go to school but still made friends if for no other reason than he was rich.

Adam (age 11): The cartoon Richie Rich?

Adam (age 35): I was thinking specifically of the live-action movie starring Macaulay Culkin?

Adam (age 11): Shut the front door! There’s a Richie Rich coming out with Big Mac?

Adam (age 35): Oh yeah! I forgot that hasn’t been released yet for you, young me. Word of the wise, skip Getting Even with Dad. The Pagemaster and Richie Rich – go for it.
Adam (age 11): What did you say? I was playing Jurassic Park on Sega.

Adam (age 35): Nevermind. But yeah, getting back to Blank Check

Adam (age 11): That limo driver guy (Rick Ducommon) was hilarious.

Adam (age 35): Didn’t you think it was weird that he hung out with Preston (Bonsall) all the time even when he was off-duty? That’s not normal.

Adam (age 11): What do you mean?

Adam (age 35): Grown ups shouldn’t be social friends with children.

Adam (age 11): I thought we were talking Blank Check. You got all serious.

Adam (age 35): No, you’re right. What else do you like about Blank Check, young me?

Adam (age 11): Preston totally gets that older lady (Karen Duffy) to go out with him and they kiss at the end!

Adam (age 35): Dammit, young me! That’s what I mean. That’s wrong, too. You know that, right? This movie’s so fucked up. At the time of this movie’s release, Bonsall was 12 and Duffy was 31.
Adam (age 11): Actually, it’s awesome. She’s a total babe and she said at the end she was going to wait six years for him so they can start dating again. I’m telling mom that you swore.

Adam (age 35): Fine, whatever, just indulge me for a second. There’s a lot of weird sex stuff in this kids’ movie. Here’s an example: When Preston’s dad (James Rebhorn) gives Preston’s brothers (Damien and Ralph) a desktop computer for their “business,” he says to them, “The software in here will teach you how to do everything except making love to a woman.” What father says that to their children? Why would that line be in the screenplay of a Disney movie? Preston’s dad is going to be in for a shock when he learns about online porn.

Adam (age 11): What’s online porn?

Adam (age 35): It’s like those Shannon Tweed movies you sneak on Cinemax.

Adam (age 11): I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Adam (age 35): Was there anything Preston bought that you thought was super cool?

Adam (age 11): The race car and the water slide tubes were super awesome. Some of the stuff he spent the money on was dumb like clothes and a birthday party with grown-ups.

Adam (age 35): I didn’t get that either. Why wouldn’t Preston at least try to invite some of his classmates to show off since they were mean to him about not having money at the beginning? Where did these socialite adults come from that showed up to his party? Why is the party basically like a dinner party in formal wear with nothing happening that a kid would enjoy?

Adam (age 11): That party sucked. I would have been inside the castle mansion playing on the virtual reality machine.
Adam (age 35): Okay, we need to talk about that castle. How the hell did Preston get a castle mansion for $300K (the listing price was only $220K btw). I don’t care if he lives in Indiana. That’s a pretty inexpensive castle mansion. Also, when Preston was bidding on it using his computer voice as a disguise (I can’t believe I’m typing this), how did he know about closing costs? He’s 12 years old!

Adam (age 11): I like when the computer voice said his brothers sleep “butt to face.”

Adam (age 35): That part is still awesome. I think it’s so funny that their “business” …where they’ll need a computer…is for an odd-job service called “Hand & Foot.”

Adam (age 11): “Hand & Foot is here to stay!”

Adam (age 35): There are so many funny lines in this movie. I like “Don’t rub it. Be a man!” It’s so messed up. Changing subjects – did you see that Jayne Atkinson is the mom in this?

Adam (age 11): Who’s that?

Adam (age 35): The mom from Free Willy.

Adam (age 11): That movie’s so awesome.

Adam (age 35): So awesome!

Adam (age 11 and age 35 simultaneously): Better than E.T.!!!!

Adam (age 35): We haven’t talked about the trio of bad guys yet played by Miguel Ferrer, Tone Loc and Michael Lerner. What did you think of them?

Adam (age 11): Boring! Except Tone Loc.
Adam (age 35): Really? That’s the one you want to support? Not Miguel Ferrer?

Adam (age 11): That guy’s weird.

Adam (age 35): Actually, he was an amazing character actor we grew to love.

Adam (age 11): What do you mean “was”?

Adam (age 35): Nothing, buddy. You don’t have to worry about things like that right now. So why, Tone Loc?

Adam (age 11): FernGully, Bebe’s Kids, Surf Ninjas

Adam (age 35): Oh yeah, I forgot he was something of a kid movie icon. Did you like that this movie ripped off Home Alone where the three bad guys are put through the paces by a kid (Lerner gets a virtual reality helmet stuck on his head, Tone Loc is hit in the balls by a pitching machine, Ferrer is trapped in a hamster cage and pushed down a hill into a pool)?

Adam (age 11): Yeah. It was funny. Those guys were idiots.

Adam (age 35): Fair enough. Anything else you want to say about Blank Check, young me?

Adam (age 11): That Taylor Dayne song “I’ll Wait” is so crazy. They play it a bunch of times.

Adam (age 35): Crazy good or crazy bad?

Adam (age 11): Bad!

Adam (age 35): By the time you’re my age, you’ll own up to the fact you always liked Taylor Dayne music but were too embarrassed to admit it.

Adam (age 11): No way. I’m not a spaz.

Adam (age 35): Are you kidding me? We are so a spaz. So, is the court adjourned now on Blank Check? What’s your verdict?
Adam (age 11): 3.5 stars out of 4 stars.

Adam (age 35): I’ll go 2.5 stars. Want to ask me a question about the future?

Adam (age 11): Do the White Sox win the World Series in 1994?

Adam (age 35): Something happens. There was a strike.

Adam (age 11): No, duh. There were probably balls and hits and catches too.

Adam (age 35): Nevermind.

10 comments:

  1. Welp, this is my new favorite thing.

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    1. Same. If Adam does this for every movie he’s ever seen I wouldn’t complain.

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  3. Everybody knows the Montreal Expos would've won the 1994 series

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    1. Anything can happen in the playoffs

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  4. An excellent start Adam... Have to say that 15 year old me at the time was a little too old to be into this but old(er) me is now rather intrigued to check out the weirdness of this!.. Look forward to the future articles!

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    1. Thank you. This one is peak strange.

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  5. LOL Do the White Sox win the World Series in 1994? The one thing we will never know and eats us alive even after 2005!! And the only reason I watched this movie was Karen Duffy If she were a president she would be Babe-raham Lincoln.

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  6. Please I hope this becomes a regular thing.

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