by Adam Riske
• Shaft (2019) – A title that will never be out of stock even in its first week (Don’t argue with me…I saw how Shaft (2000) rented). Blockbuster will really go for it with cross-sell/up-sell for Shaft (2019) by giving it a half shelf (heroes on a half shelf?) and the middle row will be fresh copies of the previous Shaft films ready again for consumer eyeholes. Those catalogue titles will see a temporary rental uplift; however, no one will watch them after they’re rented because they feel like work and the person also rented too many video games at the same time and didn’t have time to watch the older Shaft movies. Massive late fees will accrue, leading to conversations six months later where customers say, “I never rented Shaft (2000). You’re lying. Take off my late fee. This is why I never come here.” No one will rent Shaft (2019) by itself. It will only be checked out by the customers who rent seven movies at a time. One guy who rents the new Shaft will come in and say how great it was, ask if you’ve seen it, and then proceed to rail against PC culture and praise the movie for telling it like it is.
Guy: “Want to rent Late Night?”
Girl: “Sure. I like Mindy Kaling. She’s on the B-list, but like the top of the B-list.”
Guy: “I really liked her on that show. I can’t remember the name, but it had the office in it.
Girl: “I just had an idea.”
Girl: “We should rent Date Night too!”
Guy: “Late Night + Date Night = Great Night!”
Do you have a title you need to know about? Ask in the comments and I’ll tell you how well it would do in the Busterverse!