No one appreciates what Scream Factory/Shout! Factory is doing for genre fans more than me. Literally. I am uniquely poised to appreciate their selection of films, their mania for securing the best transfers, and their bounty of cool supplements more than any other genre fan on the planet. Yes, it’s me.
Me. Just me. I’m the guy.
With that caveat, I am getting a little testy lately about some minor quibbles, such as Universal Horrors Volume 6 containing little to no horror, and the recent Attack of the Crab Monsters being… how shall we say… a little thin. Mind you, I still think you should buy it… Don’t get me wrong! Buy it now. I just found Attack of the Crab Monsters a little… thin.
Ignoring the fact that one of the sailors in their party is decapitated upon hitting the beach, the rag-tag group of science buffs/adventure seekers press on, explore the island, and read the notes of the previous group. Our heroes soon learn those other guys were killed and eaten by giant telepathic crabs, who absorb the minds of their prey and speak in their voices. And then things get really weird…
The transfer here is impeccable, advertised as a new 2K scan of a fine grain print. I’ve never seen this movie look so good, though I was used to watching it as a kid on a sketchy UHF station out of Chicago that one needed the fingers of a safecracker to even dial in. It was the same channel that used to show Women’s Roller Derby in the '70s. You know the one. So, full disclosure, my most treasured memories of Attack of the Crab Monsters involved watching it through a patina of static that made it look as if the titular crab monsters had decided to attack during a particularly pernicious hail storm. The new Blu-ray looks beautiful: sharp, and crisp with deep, rich blacks.
In the interests of getting some goddamn pleasure out of this thing, I suggest the following steps be taken if you should find yourself in possession of this disc:
1) View the entire movie as Russell Johnson’s backstory. Russell Johnson appeared in a number of 50’s horror and sci-fi films (It Came from Outer Space and This Island Earth, to name but two.) before playing the role that would cement him in America’s collective consciousness: The Professor on TV’s Gilligan Island. What if Attack of the Crab Monsters was actually The Professor’s origin story? What if he used the GI Bill after this movie’s narrative to go to college… and get the degree that enabled him to teach and become “The Professor?” What if his experiences battling the crab monsters on this beach helped him to fight innumerable problems on the other beach on which he became stranded with Gilligan, the Skipper, and all the rest? What if I am slowly losing my mind?
2) Imagine how YOU would have spent that long weekend at Leo Carillo Beach. Would you have gone swimming? Surfing? Picnic lunch? Would you have gawked at Roger Corman and Company filming this risible drive-in movie?
4) Image a movie about the making of THIS movie. Better than this movie? You bet!
The other night, friend-of-the-site Mike Piccoli mentioned his affinity for a song that appeared on one of the Halloween CD’s I put together every fall for friends. The song in question is Roy Clark’s “Spooky Movies,” which is a bit of an obscurity. It was originally the B-side of Clark’s 1963 single “Tips of My Fingers.” “Spooky Movies,” in its own crazy way, reminds us why we are fans of these types of films and advises us to take the good with the bad. Canoodling about on the YouTube machine, I found that some enterprising genre fan had edited together an ad hoc video to accompany this great song. The video was made by “JR’s Offbeat Art” and he has made a number of them, all delightful. The following video both reminds us why we love Crab Monsters, while at the same time being more entertaining than… crab monsters. Enjoy.