Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Johnny California: Beer Fighter, Round IV

 by JB

Here I am, firmly ensconced in my new digs and pondering the dubious state of my failing eyesight... AND MORE!

It’s been two months since I moved to Oxnard, California, (I call it “North Malibu.”) and my attention has once again turned to my beloved and well-traveled Blu-ray collection. Show me any other amateur cinephile who owns special editions of both Godspell and Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.* (Note to Wife: I would like my eulogy to include copious quotes from BOTH FILMS.)

I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. As I wrestle with questions of my own mortality, I also come to the conclusion that my eyesight ain’t what it used to be, and neither is my memory. When I scan my Blu-ray collection for what to watch of an evening, it’s getting very hard to read the titles without 1) prescription glasses, 2) a small flashlight, and 3) a working memory of which actual movies I actually own. Three years ago, these very observations lead to the invention of a fun game, Beer Fighter, which I now resurrect.
For those gentle readers who don’t remember the rules, that’s okay. I accept your rejection. (Also, it was three fucking years ago.) Quickly then, let us review the rules of play:

1. I look at my shelf full of shiny movie circles.
2. WITHOUT glasses, I try to read a title. I fail.
3. I write down what I THINK is written on the case. I do my best.
(I ‘m not joking. This is what I REALLY BELIEVED was printed on each label.)
4. YOU try to guess what the movie actually IS!
5. Fun! At the bottom of the column, I provide a key with the actual answers.
6. Ready? Try to guess the ACTUAL MOVIE TITLE based on my GUESS:
Round IV:
1. Gumby Wiggles
2. The Tarot
3. Gethsemane
4. Fat and Forward
5. Jolly Mule
6. I, Pescador
7. Feet
8. Get Out
(NOTE: No, not THAT Get Out!)
9. Car Bomb
10. Bungee Together
11. High Times
12. Hobson’s Choice
(NOTE: No, not THAT Hobson’s Choice!)
13. Too Rare
14. Whippy Wow, P-Diddy!
15. The Lemon SpeaksB
16. Twiddle the Guitars
17. Unbeknownst!
18. The Dowager Eats
19. Work for Your Keep
20. Happenstance Akimbo
Okay. Do you have a guess for each of these silly non-titles? If these WERE real movies, what would they be about? Share this game with your friends, families, or agents. (My contract specifies a story credit and a cut of the gross.) Here are the real Blu-Rays I was looking at, believe it or not:

1. Ghost World
2. The Front
3. Get Shorty
4. In Cold Blood
5. John Wick
6. Inner-space
7. Heat
8. Detour
9. Corruption
10. Bicycle Thieves
11. Union Station
12. Vampire’s Ghost
13. Voodoo Man
14. What A Way to Go!
15. The Violent Years
16. Two on a Guillotine
17. Underwater!
18. The Vampire Bat
19. Hell or High Water
20. The Hitchcock Collection

How many did you correctly guess? Zero?

I wish I could be a fly on the wall when, after my untimely passing at the age of 103, my son Jake attempts to sell those movies he does not wish to keep for his own collection on eBay or at some skeevy used disc store. (Perhaps he will trade them for protein rations whilst crossing the Seventh Zone after the great Neptunian Reckoning?) I wonder how much my son will ultimately collect for his mint disc copies of Gumby Wiggles; I, Pescador; and The Lemon Speaks?

*If you would like to hear a delightful, non-F This Movie podcast on that misunderstood Peckinpah gem, check out Medium Cool with Austin Glidden and Jake Bottiglieri. You can find that here.


  1. Oh my, this is priceless. When I read Feet I actually LOL'd to the point my child checked on me to make sure I was ok...

  2. I cackled a whole lot reading this!

    Below are my guesses, I'd love to see others:

    1. Briggsby Bear
    2. Tenet
    3. Gettysburg
    4. Fast and Furious
    5. Cry Macho
    6. The Passenger
    7. Faults
    8. Get Low
    9. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
    10. Bowfinger
    11. High Crimes
    12. Hopscotch
    13. Tightrope
    14. Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?
    15. Orange County
    16. Kubo and the Two Strings
    17. The Informant!
    18. Death Becomes Her
    19. Waking Ned Devine
    20. Harold and Maude

  3. I think I’m most interested in people’s guesses for Whippy Wow, P-Diddy.

  4. the bluray case for Gumby Wiggles is brilliant.

    1. Thank you! Signed, JB's Favorite Production Assistant

    2. hahahahaha....outstanding stuff Jan!!!

  5. What do you think of the TCM schedule for October, JB? It seems very light on horror films compared to past years. Most seem clustered in the final few days, too.

  6. Seems to be the same 50 horror movies they always show (great though they all are) but in a different order. I do like that they’ve made the October “Star of the Month” horror, so Mondays will all be great. I agree it gets better and better the closer we get to the 31st!