Monday, December 18, 2023

The 2023 Binness Awards

 by Adam Riske

What award did your favorite movies get this year?

Attaboy: M. Night Shyamalan, Knock at the Cabin

Best Duo in a Good Movie: Greta Lee and Teo Yoo, Past Lives

Best Duo in an Okay Movie: Phoebe Dynevor and Alden Ehrenreich, Fair Play

Best Final Scene: Sanctuary

Best Jewish Moment: In Theater Camp when it’s revealed that one of the past musicals was called “A Hanukkah Divorce.” 

Best Model Trains Toot! Toot! A Good Person

Best Netflix Movie: May December

Best Performance: Denzel Washington, The Equalizer 3 (Yeah, I said it). 

Better Than I Expected: Good Burger 2

Blech: Evil Dead Rise

Boo Hoo: You Hurt My Feelings

Bored Just Thinking About It: Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant 

Did I Hallucinate It? My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3

Dumbest Shit Ever: Fast X

Enough Already: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse

Fun: Saw X

Fun and Then Ruined by World Events: Scream VI
Funniest: Bottoms

Good Closer. Don’t Make Any More: John Wick: Chapter 4

Good Drama, Bad Horror Movie: Insidious: The Red Door

“Heartbreak Feels Good in A Place Like This”: Priscilla

Hidden Gem: Mob Land

Horniest: Flora and Son

I Definitely Fell Asleep During: The Last Voyage of the Demeter

I Didn’t Hate It: Renfield

I Dunno…Recommended? Cobweb

It’s Good but I Kept Waiting for it to Become a Funny or Die Sketch Because It Doesn’t Look Serious: Blackberry
I Hate It: The Exorcist: Believer

I Liked Some of It: Renaissance: A Film by Beyonce

I’m The Only Person Who Liked: What Happens Later

I’m The Only Person Who Saw: Shortcomings

Instant Energy: Chris Pine, Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

It’s Alight: Infinity Pool

It’s Fine: The Killer

I Weep for the Children: The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Least Intimidating Villain: Thanksgiving

Like a Movie from 1989: Air
Like a Movie from 1993: Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret

Like a Movie from 2007: No Hard Feelings

Like A TV Movie That Would Have Aired on CBS in 1990: A Man Called Otto

Like Eating at Applebee’s when you Wanted to Eat at Chili’s: Elemental

Most Annoying: Cocaine Bear

Most Clamoring for an MTV Movie Award Nomination for Best Villain: M3GAN

Most Cozy: The Holdovers

Most Desperate: The Flash

Most Directed: Barbie

Most Gentle: Somewhere in Queens
Most Underseen: Dream Scenario

Most Welcome Return: Heather Graham, Suitable Flesh

Movie I Like Less than Everyone Else: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

Movie I Like More than Everyone Else: Somebody I Used to Know

Never Stop Directing: Martin Scorsese, Killers of the Flower Moon

Not as Good as Draft Day but Pretty Close: Oppenheimer

Not as Good as Love, Lights, Hanukkah! Round and Round

Not Terrible: Haunted Mansion

Pretty Good: Eileen

Pretty Sure He’s Not Acting: Russell Crowe, The Pope’s Exorcist
Robert Englund Power Ranking: 1) Hollywood Dreams & Nightmares: The Robert Englund Story, 2) Natty Knocks

Scariest: Skinamarink

She’s Just Really Poised: Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour

So Bad It Should Be Against the Law: Back to the Drive-In

Stop Being Long: Beau is Afraid

Sweetest: Champions

Ugh: Talk to Me

Wait, That Was This Year? Creed III

We All Have Problems, Bud: Bye Bye Barry

Whatever: Asteroid City
Worst Movie: Expend4bles

WTF: She Came to Me

Yeah, No, I Dunno, It’s Good I Guess: Still: A Michael J. Fox Movie

You Can Stop at Any Time Now: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny


  1. Bottoms is the only thing I feel like I have left to catch up on that I think might make my top ten. I am glad to know that you seem to think it’s such a strong comedy!

  2. Always my favorite awards of the year! I especially agree with your award for Priscilla, which I finally caught up with this weekend.

    There are at least two more people who loved What Happens Later, because Andy & I just watched it and it was way more beautiful and sentimental than I expected. Meg Ryan, man.

    1. Nice! I really like that movie. It snuck up on me too.

  3. The thing about Dial of Destiny that People Don't Talk Enough About, IMO is how bizarre everyone's belief in the dial is. In the prologue, Voller takes one look at it and decides, based on zero evidence, that it can be used for time travel. Indy, however, doesn't seem to believe it has any such power, since he keeps it in an easily lost cardboard box in university storage, rather than dropping it into the Atlantic ocean (or at the very least locking it in a bank vault).

    BUT, as soon as Voller gets the dial back, Indy is suddenly convinced that it can be used for time travel, and demands that Helena help him on a quest to save history/The World! Her reponse should be to laugh at him and call him a lunatic, but instead, she just frowns and goes "Whelp, okay." And then Voller and his men (who are also all in on the plan, practicing their German and everything) blithely fly right into a temporal rift, without taking any time to check their math (never mind continental drift; what about planetary orbit?!). And Voller's supposed to be a... *checks notes* rocket scientist?!

    It's one thing for religious people to seek religious artifacts, or for Hitler to send task forces on weird missions because he's a wacko, and Spalko doubtless had access to some stolen intel about the crystal aliens, but everyone in this movie's belief in the dial as a feasible method of time travel just comes out of nowhere, and it's bananas. (I mean, the Hogwarts faculty was more skeptical of the existence of The Chamber of Secrets than these characters are of time travel, and they live in a magic castle.) This script needed a full rewrite in which the opening sequence demonstrated that the dial could, in fact, do the job. But, this is the studio that brought us the meticulously written Star Wars sequel trilogy, so, I guess daft writing is par for the course.

  4. I’m so annoyed at myself for missing Shortcomings in theaters because it’s adapted from the graphic novel by Adrian Tomine, creator of Optic Nerve, one of the half-dozen best comics to come out of the 90s indie-comix scene.
    I really want it to be amazing but, “I’m the one who has seen it” award doesn’t bode well. Two thumbs up? Mixed? Not 2 down?!

  5. I've been championing Bottoms to everybody around me. It is definitely my favorite of the year

  6. Just saw Are You There God? It's great. Love the ending scene in the bathroom. So touching

  7. I was about to get upset that Expend4bles didn't make the list but right at the end, you delivered!

    1. I couldn't never leave out Jumbo Shrimp and Ocelot