by JB
Besides the fact that October is an ORGY OF EVERYTHING I LOVE, I realized recently that a particular facet of Scary Movie Month that makes it so bloody special for me is that all the seven-word reviews you precious pixies post here ARE ALL TALKING ABOUT MOVIES I HAVE SEEN, SAVOR, AND (MOSTLY) LOVE. I am not bragging, but I have seen a shit ton of horror movies in my lifetime. I am 106 years old. I cackle and grin all month long... as I get every single inside joke about every obscure and forgotten horror movie that you all manage to unearth.
It's the definition of fun.
What follows are my reviews, collected and preserved here for posterity, followed by my one hundred favorite seven-word reviews from you freaks. It has been a delicious month. Thank you, from a genuine Monster Kid. I still have the heart of a little boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
The Mac & Cheese of horror movies
The Shining (1980)
All work and no play makes… Damnit!
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Spent screening imagining smell in that house.
The Black Cat (1934)
Lugosi filets Karloff... and serves up ham.
The Wolf Man (1941)
Larry Talbot: quite a hit with ladies
The Walking Dead (1936)
Not Norman Reedus: this one’s got Karloff!
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1956)
“Earthlings with our stupid minds… Stupid! Stupid!”
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (1931)
LET YOUNG LOVERS WED: Monsters are banished!
Immaculate (2024)
Now I understand the Rock of Ages.
A Haunting in Venice (2023)
A cautionary tale… for men growing moustaches!
Invisible Woman (1940)
Classic Universal Horror Films need MORE GANGSTERS!
Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)
PRONOUNCED “Chez-A-Ray:”
Cesare! Cesare! Kills Dagover: Yay or Nay?
PRONOUNCED “See-Zar:”
See Cesare! Beware Cesare! Bizarre Cesare!
Doctor Sleep (2019)
Rose the Hat's real nemesis? Sensible footwear.
The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini (1966)
The Maytag Repairman plays "J. Sinister Hulk."
The Blackcoat’s Daughter (2015)
Slow as molasses… and just as scary.
OR:
It’s like David Lynch… without David Lynch.
Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (1922)
Max Shreck beckons, pecks, and wrecks necks.
Hold Your Breath (2024)
Paulson fights the dust... bites the dust.
Scared to Death (1946)
Possibly the worst horror movie ever made.
OR:
THIS is what TCM shows at 4AM?
OR:
Lugosi’s only color film. What a shame.
The Gorilla (1939)
Better than Scared to Death. Ritz Brothers?
Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Sequels should have focused exclusively on Tarman.
The Cat and the Canary (1927)
Beware the silent hairy hand of Death.
The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
With all those brains, Doctor so single-minded!
Evil Eye (1963)
Bava: Never ever accept cigarettes from strangers!
The Devil Bat (1940)
After Shave/Bat Attack/Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
White Zombie (1932)
Big Ol’ wonderful Universal Studios garage sale.
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1957)
“Clay is dead… murdered… and someone’s responsible!”
The Cat and the Canary (1939)
Terrifying melange of jambalaya and Bob Hope.
Woman of the Hour (2024)
Dating Game - major source of '70s creeps.
Your Monster (2024)
Delightful -- Freud Meets ABC Afterschool Special, SINGING!
Frankenweenie (2012)
Be the good “dead tissue reanimator” kid!
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
2000 zerozero party over (Oops!) Outta heads!
Long Legs (2024)
Osgood Perkins… you are zero for two.
Vicious Fun (2020)
For me, Koechner dispatched far too quickly
MY 100 FAVORITE REVIEWS FROM YOU PRECIOUS PIXIES:
Marcus Killerby
Love Lies Bleeding (2024)
Really weird sequel to Love Lights Hanukkah
Louis Viljoen
Night Swim (2024)
The Swimityville Horror: Evil Takes a Dip.
Ross
The First Omen (2024)
Starts as surprisingly good nun hangout movie
Mikko Viinikka
Frankenweenie (1984)
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenweenie was funnier.
Chris Ceballos
Tales From the Hood (1995)
Never f*** around with angry, haunted dolls!
John Gutts
Child’s Play (1988)
Sometimes, good guys don’t wear denim snaps.
The Sonia Show
Hush (2016)
Don’t mess with a single cat lady.
Mac McEntire
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
Would “alien audio” be a… pod cast?
Marcus Killerby
The Black Cat (1934)
Before Brangelina. Before Bennifer. There was… Karlosi.
Rosiejoy
The Addams Family (1991)
Don't let family estrangements Fester like this.
Eric Wood
Immaculate (2024)
Post nun life off to rocky start.
Lindsay Wilkins
House on Haunted Hill (1959)
When angry foreplay gets out of hand.
Wade
Re-Animator (1985)
Get ahead with Miskatonic University's doctorate program!
Shannon Briggs
Revenge of the Dead aka Night of the Ghouls (1959)
Ed Wood movie incoherent? Color me surprised.
Mac McEntire
Crawl (2019)
Here's why Florida homes don't have basements.
Louis Viljoen
The Exorcist: Believer (2023)
All the other Exorcist sequels... we're sorry.
Charles Lewis
Frankenstein (1931)
This viewing had me craving Burgomaster backstory.
Mookie
Misery (1990)
Disgraced pediatric nurse becomes divisive literary critic.
Adam Riske
The Haunted Palace (1963)
Vincent inherits palace but pays the Price.
Louis Viljoen
The Hitcher (1986)
Quite a stretch for Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Adam Oh
The Thing from Another World (1951)
Carpenter said: “Good, but needs more beards.”
Castrodrano
Ghost Story (1981)
Krige bringing sexy back from the dead.
Jeff Quinn
Swamp Thing (1982)
Swamp Thing, you make my heart sing!
Luke
Hush (2016)
That house has too many damn doors.
Adam Oh
The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
Just two bros, doing bro things together.
Mikko Viinikka
The Vampire Bat (1933)
Fay Wray falls prey to foul play.
Tom S Tex
Hush (2016)
____ __ _________! __ ________, _ ____?
Jeff Quinn
Terror in the Aisles (1984)
Quiet Donald Pleasence, I’m watching the movie.
Chris Ceballos
Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)
Imperfect Disneyfied adaptation.
Still, Halloween as f***.
Michael Pomaro
The Grudge (2004)
“Sarah Michelle Pomaro” rolls off the tongue.
janbottig
A Haunting in Venice (2023)
Ghosts, orphans, murder, Branagh…and apples? Fun!
Thomas Jacobs
It (2017)
Clown terrorizes town of losers and assholes.
Adam Riske
The Exorcist III (1990)
Police badges were the original AMC Stubs.
Cullen
The Shining (1980)
Heard the original line was "Captain Morgan.”
Frank Levesque
The Substance (2024)
Apply Demi glaze for that youthful look.
Lindsay Wilkins
The Invisible Agent (1942)
Griffin constantly mooning nazis, makes me happy
Jan Peeters
Alien (1979)
Ripley's Game by the talented mr. Ridley
Rob DiCristino
Dead of Night (1945)
All these things happened to me, too
Rocco T Thompson
Ghost Story (1981)
Fred Astaire stabs a guy in this.
Jeremy Wickett
The Mummy (1932)
Newsreel: "Imhotep! Slowest-talking wonder of the world!"
Chris Ceballos
Dead of Night (1945)
Again, never f*** with angry, haunted dolls!
Aaron Keith
Abigail (2024)
Enough twists to keep you on pointe
Ross Reader
The Invisible Woman (1940)
Drew Barrymore’s grandfather turns female nudist invisible.
Patrick Bromley
Exorcist: Believer (2023)
Believe I will never watch this again.
Grant M
Les Diaboliques (1955)
Getting divorced in France looks VERY difficult.
janbottig
The Blackcoat’s Daughter (2015)
Like The Holdovers with way more Satan.
Mac McEntire
Carrie (1976)
What secrets lurk within William Katt’s hair?
Munkee
House on Haunted Hill (1959)
Price's real victory? Marionette classes paid off
Mashke
Salem’s Lot (1979)
No helicopter parents in '70s... helicopter kids!
Adam Riske
The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)
HOT TAKE: The Spanish Inquisition were assholes
Jeremy Wickett
The Invisible Man (1933)
Hays Code prevented title The Invisible Asshole.
Rob DiCristino
The Shining (1980)
Hey man, every writer has their process.
Lindsay Wilkins
Delirium (1987)
This movie stars an eyeball and boobs!
B
The Mist (2007)
Never jump the gun on permanent decisions.
Ross
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)
Cesare's cabinet predicts Gen Z homebuying options.
Adam Riske
Terrifier 3 (2024)
Art has no problems with Hanukkah, apparently.
JM Vargas
Terrifier (2016)
Art's antics SPLIT fanbase down the middle.
Tom S Tex
Curse of the Werewolf (1961)
Beggar learns etiquette lesson. Oliver Reed sweats
Michael Pomaro
Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde (1971)
Sounds like a band older siblings love.
Mikko Viinikka
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)
.rats reggib a eb dluohs esiW yaR
Brian Biddle
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)
Dr. Inappropriate and Mr. Rapey
Grant Hurlbut
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)
Craziest Hormel Chili ad I’ve ever seen.
Munkee
Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein (1948)
Bet Sandra regrets that second floor lab
Mikko Viinikka
The Birds (1963)
Tippi's had it rough: birds, lions, Hitchcock...
Rosejoy
The Haunting (1963)
Supernatural entity attended school of hard knocks.
Mac McEntire
The Shining (1980)
But what’s in rooms 236 and 238?
Wayne Telford
Misery (1990)
One hell of a prequel to Matlock.
The Sonia Show
Salem’s Lot (1979)
We don’t see vampires named Kurt anymore
Louis Viljoen
The Substance (2024)
The filmmakers clearly prefer Moore, not less.
Adam Oh
The Witch (2015)
Black Philip - the GOAT of horror animals?
Adam Riske
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (1943)
Don't take Talbot to Epcot's wine festivals
Luke
Bone Tomahawk (2015)
Soulless savages seek savory settlers for supper.
Brian Biddle
Happy Death Day (2017)
Becomes exponentially funnier with every flip-back.
Happy Death Day (2017)
Becomes exponentially funnier with every flip-back.
Happy Death Day (2017)
Becomes exponentially funnier with every flip-back.
Happy Death Day (2017)
Becomes exponentially funnier with every flip-back.
Happy Death Day (2017)
Becomes exponentially funnier with every flip-back.
Happy Death Day (2017)
Becomes exponentially funnier with every flip-back.
Happy Death Day (2017)
Becomes exponentially funnier with every flip-back.
Louis Viljoen
Alien: Romulus (2024)
Holm is where the (artificial) heart is.
Mike Pomaro
Kill, Baby...Kill! (1966)
Like a warm blanket on cold night.
Rocco T. Thompson
Vampyr (1932)
The Citizen Kane of live burial movies
Rob DiCristino
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)
It is just so deeply, desperately sad.
Ross
The Invisible Man (1933)
Griffin's Van Helsing? A random, elderly farmer.
Cullen
I, Madman (1989)
This is why I do not read.
Ross Reader
Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954)
And I thought the Mississippi was something.
Mike Pomaro
The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Gulager's voice as great as his name.
Jeremy Wickett
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
"Increase the saline solution! Now, baking soda!"
castrodrano
Hush (2016)
To do list: move breaker box inside.
Luke
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
Jumping through windows is essential life skill.
janbottig
Woman of the Hour (2024)
Listen to women. Listen to women. Listentowomen.
Erich
Terrifier (2016)
What if Freddy Krueger was a mime?
Matt Sollenberger
Mandy (2018)
Unjust world. Cheddar Goblin isn't real product.
Mookie
Carnival of Souls (1962)
The way TV's "Lost" should have ended.
Chris Ceballos
Black Sabbath (1963)
Almost worth watching for the ending... almost.
Erich
Slither (2006)
Never poke a meteorite with a stick.
Wade
The Exorcist III (1990)
Karp and Karras keep Kinderman konsistently kholeric.
Rocco T Thompson
Son of Dracula (1943)
Something so undignified about Drac riding shotgun.
Mac McEntire
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
These seven words have red on them.
Mikko Viinikka
The Hitcher (1986)
Rutger just wants to C. Thomas How(el)l.
Mac McEntire
Malignant (2021)
“It’s all in my head!” No kidding.
Marcus Killerby
Stuck (2007)
Hobo complains despite shelter and personal nurse.
Mookie
The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)
I'm assuming the first voyage went better?
Matty Kukulka
Crowhaven Farm (1970)
"Their bloody, orgiastic sabbaths" do sound tempting!
Andy Bishop
Halloween (1978)
Judith Myers' boyfriend fucks at Mach 2.
Aaron Keith
The Wolf Man (1941)
Dad shoulda beat his ass for peeping
Adam Riske
The Blob (1958)
Surprised that town had midnight spooky shows
Louis Viljoen
Hereditary (2018)
Get a broom! Mom's on the ceiling.
Brett Cullum
The Old Dark House (1932)
Butlers have always been creepy. Karloff confirms!
Happy Scary Movie Month, everybody!
It was wonderful, celebrating with all of you BLOOD-SOAKED FREAKS.
I’m once! Twice! Three timessss a precious pixie.
ReplyDeleteI’m always so jealous of your ability to actually stick to a good lineup of horror movies during scary movie month. I plan the best list I can think of and then watch 2 movies off it and go rogue, with very questionable results. But wow, what a scary movie month you had! If the worst thing you can say about your month is that you watched The Blackcoat’s Daughter and Longlegs, then you’ve done pretty well!
A: I swear I don’t cuss that much in real life.
ReplyDeleteB: You are 1000% right in your Return of the Living Dead review.
C: Brian Biddle’s Happy Death Day to me was probably my favorite review this year. It made me laugh out loud.
Chris, it’s in our seven word reviews that we reveal our true selves. Thanks for helping make this the best month of the year.
ReplyDeleteCreating seven word reviews worthy of your approval adds an extra layer of fun to Scary Movie Month!
ReplyDelete