Johnny Deadline: 12 Bald Heads in Movies

 by JB

“Look at that! Two bald men in the back of the room.
Put your heads together, make an ass of yourselves.”

--Rodney Dangerfield

This week, friend of the site Lauren Keliher posed an interesting question to members of the F This Movie staff: “Please help my brain. What movie is this: a man and woman are kneeling on a bed in white underpants. The woman is slathering the man’s bald head with some sort of condiment (Mustard? Ketchup? Mayo?) with a rubber spatula. Maybe mid-'80s? That’s all I've got.” It was enough to send us all tumbling down that particular rabbit hole, and I began to search for an answer. Her fevered imagination even provided us with an “artist’s rendering” of her fever dream:

It wasn’t the strange bald man getting his head shaved while traveling on a city bus in Bill Murray’s Quick Change, was it?

No.

Was she thinking of George Costanza dipping his bald head in oil and rubbing it all over a private nurse on Seinfeld?

No.

So many wrong answers. Would our dear Lauren ever be satisfied?

SPOILER ALERT: She eventually found her answer, but you, dear readers, will need to wait until the end of the column. (Or just scroll down there right now. You’re a baby, I can’t control you.) Suffice it to say, all this spatula nonsense got me thinking! About baldness.

I am a bald man. I don’t say this proudly. I wish I had a full head of hair. Nature just threw me a dirty curve. Most days, my vanity and my chilly pate necessitate a baseball cap. I own dozens; I once heard them called “the rock-and-roll toupee.” I pine for my high-school days when I had both a harvest gold DYMO label maker and a full head of hair. Bright red! Go figure.

Here is a crazy list of memorable baldies in the movies. Note how many are villains. Hollywood typecasting at its worst.

1. Gert Fröbe in Goldfinger (1964). Poor Auric Goldfinger—if only he had a full head of hair and were just a little more attractive to women, he would not have to pay Shirley Eaton to be seen with him; he could drop the criminal mastermind shtick; and he'd be free to enjoy a life devoted to mint juleps, race horses, and mineralogy without MURDERING SPIES. If only...

2. Joe Pantoliano in Amazon Women on the Moon (1987). In one segment of this hit-or-miss sketch comedy film, sad sack Joe is featured in a commercial for getting your bald head "loomed"—that is, having plush carpet stapled to it. Hilarious. Hey, you can swim in it!

3. Persis Khambatta in Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979), Demi Moore in GI Jane (1997), and Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta (2005). These three beautiful actors shave their heads for roles in big budget Hollywood movies and they get all the attention. I lose my hair through stress, heredity, and attacks from nesting crows, and I am consigned to the Bald Men Dust Bin of history. (Single tear.)

4. Ben Kingsley in Gandhi (1982). Poor Mahatma Gandhi—if only he had a full head of hair and were just a little more attractive to women, he would not need to diet so severely in an attempt to protest colonial politics; he could drop the national martyr shtick; and he'd be free to enjoy a life devoted to Lamb Vindaloo, Dal Makhana, Pakora, Kofta, Korma, Biryani, Kebabs, and grandchildren. If only...

5. Lawrence Tierney in Reservoir Dogs (1992). Tough customer Tierney, who actually had several real-life “brushes with the law” after his initial fame in low budget films noir, found it hard to get along with the cast and crew of both Reservoir Dogs and Seinfeld. The latter cast was afraid of him, for real, and he and Tarantino almost came to blows during the former film’s production. Could his lingering bitterness over shedding his leading man locks have had anything to do with his sourness and rotten attitude? A character in Reservoir Dogs describes Tierney as looking like Benn Grimm’s The Thing in the Fantastic Four comic books. Locks beats rocks, baby.

6. Gene Hackman in Superman (1978). If only he had a full head of hair and were just a little more attractive to women, Lex Luthor would not have wanted to hatch a scheme to blow up the entire West Coast, turning Arizona into prime, ocean-front real estate. He could have focused on personal enrichment classes; invested in daddy-issues therapy; and worked on healthier relationships with both Miss Tessmacher and Otis. If only...

7. Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now (1979). If only he had a full head of hair and were just a little more attractive to women, Colonel Kurtz could have turned his attention to any number of things beside “The horror, the horror!” of his shiny bald pate. If only...

8. Max Shrek in Nosferatu (1922). Have you seen this fucker? This movie is more than 100 years old. This guy is still terrifying! Hollywood knows this. A remake is being released this Christmas. Does the baldness have something to do with it? You bet your sweet ass. "Smooth head, German dread" says everyone.

9. Curly Howard in The Three Stooges shorts. History records that young Jerome Lester Horwitz willingly shaved both his moustache and his head when asked to join the family comedy team when brother Shemp dropped out to go solo. History also records that "ladies' man" Jerry was not happy when the very catalyst of his fame rendered him well-nigh repugnant to women. This fact is not helped a bit when one factors in my pet theory: what most American women really hate about the Stooges is that they accurately portray how men behave with no women around. A double whammy. Maybe he was just a victim of soicumstance?

10. Claude Earl Jones in I Wanna Hold Your Hand (1978). AND WE HAVE OUR ANSWER! It turns out that Lauren was thinking of the scene in Robert Zemeckis’s film debut in which hooker Kristine DeBell slathers gunk on client Claude Earl Jones, playing condiment-curious “Al.” I couldn’t find this actor’s name anywhere online. I resorted to spinning the Criterion Collection disc to discover who was playing this small but memorable part.

In watching the scene, I noticed that the character of Al was not quite bald; thinning certainly, but not full chrome-dome. Could Al have come up with the cure for baldness?! Could paying sex workers to slather your skull with hot dog dressings be the answer that every bald man on the planet has been waiting for?!

I had to find out. Now we wait and see.