by Adam Riske
When a Man Loves an IP
The Addams Family is one of those ok-to-pretty-good movies I’ve always been drawn to, which is why I not only made my family buy me this cereal back in 1991 (I remember it tasting like Cousin (sh)It), but I also spent $28 at a vintage collectible store recently for a factory sealed box with a Lurch flashlight shrink wrapped in front of the container. In 1991, I felt like I needed The Addams Family cereal to be happy and in 2023 I knew not having it again was the only thing keeping me from self-actualization. Good on Pugsley and Lurch for pushing the merch. That’s how the Addams probably kept their vault loaded with doubloons for the past 33 years.
Dark Knight Without Diet Coke
I’m almost positive this Diet Coke ad played at the beginning of the Batman (1989) VHS cassette. I must have (like most ‘80s and ‘90s kids) watched this dozens of times back in the day. Why is Alfred telling this elaborate Diet Coke outage story to whoever is answering the phone at the Gotham Corner Store? He should just tell them Batman’s on the way to get some Diet Coke and ask them to set a 24-pack or two aside. It was cool of Batman to give Alfred the last Diet Coke. He must know that a Diet Coke a day keeps the MacGregor’s Syndrome away. I like the “Aaahh!” sound Alfred makes. Like it hit the spot, and he is maximally refreshed.
They’ll Juice You Up
I didn’t know Percy Rodriguez did voiceover on 7-Eleven commercials too! I like when he says, “You’ll Guzzle!” I would’ve made him do multiple takes saying that. I wish we lived in a society that lined up for Super Big Gulp Cable Guy cups. I probably shouldn’t make fun of these people. I went to 7-Eleven to get Iron Man Slurpee cups back in 2008. That was the peak of my Marvel fandom.
Amy Want Baja Blast
I don’t like how the announcer makes it seem like you can only experience Congo in a theater or taste it at Taco Bell. Why can’t I do both with the other Herkemer Homolka-heads? I would jump out of an airplane to get a Volcano Burrito too, Laura Linney. Someone gimme a Volcano Burrito already! Or like six so I can show The Lost City of Zinj my allegiance.
Hasbro About to Make Me a Currentbro
Dragon swooping! Rock chucking! Vehicle rolling! The battle spikes of Razorthorn! The two-headed Medusas twin firepower! I need these fucking Dragonheart toys now! Not for collectibles but more to play with and jump headfirst into a fantasy world while ignoring my real-life responsibilities. Bonus Content Alert: I like that this YouTube clip starts with the last frame of a TV spot for The Adventures of Pinocchio set to “Would I Lie to You?” by the Eurythmics. It’s clever, you see, because Pinocchio has been known to tell lies.
A Short Video Mark Jones Would Love
I have so many thoughts to unpack here:
0:08: Is it scary, though? What’s with the “scares the pants off of ya” guy?
0:18 Haha. “It just keeps comin’ at cha” It reminds of those A1 Steak Sauce commercials where the guy was all “It gets ya heee. And it get ya right heeee."
0:38 Suck it Hoffa, The Distinguished Gentleman, & Leap of Faith. Per screen average, baby!
0:46 Leprechaun crushed at the Dayton Mall, Loek’s Studio 28, and Showcase Huber. You know, all the important theaters you hear about on the news.
1:18 337 million gross impressions and 8,000 trailers sound like a lot. How did this only gross $12-$15M?
1:29 “Leprechaun makes Freddy Krueger look like Mr. Rogers.” That couldn’t have been this guy’s idea to say that. Trimark/Vidmark fed him that line.
1:32 Holy shit! Leprechaun took over Wall Street?! Why was I not taught this in school? Why didn’t my 5th grade teacher wheel in the TV to our class so we could watch history as it happened?
1:51 How many children were conceived at the Leprechaun premiere party?
1:58 The monsters of yesterday paid fealty to the new king of Hollywood horror. This video’s fantastic.
2:31 I don’t remember Leprechaun having promotional tie-ins with Domino’s and Subway but the fucking NBA?! I would give anything to go to a Leprechaun night of early ‘90s basketball with the Detroit Pistons (Joe Dumars!), Orlando Magic (Shaq!) or Sacramento Kings (Mitch Richmond!)
1:29 “Leprechaun makes Freddy Krueger look like Mr. Rogers.” That couldn’t have been this guy’s idea to say that. Trimark/Vidmark fed him that line.
1:32 Holy shit! Leprechaun took over Wall Street?! Why was I not taught this in school? Why didn’t my 5th grade teacher wheel in the TV to our class so we could watch history as it happened?
1:51 How many children were conceived at the Leprechaun premiere party?
1:58 The monsters of yesterday paid fealty to the new king of Hollywood horror. This video’s fantastic.
2:31 I don’t remember Leprechaun having promotional tie-ins with Domino’s and Subway but the fucking NBA?! I would give anything to go to a Leprechaun night of early ‘90s basketball with the Detroit Pistons (Joe Dumars!), Orlando Magic (Shaq!) or Sacramento Kings (Mitch Richmond!)
3:30 I mean, you gotta go 8-pack, right? I want one of those comic books.
All I Want for Christmas Is Lies
What a lovely seasonal ad for fun new movie! The Columbia logo covered in snow & holiday cheer. The announcer declaring “The holidays are back, and so is Mac!” Looks like a great night at the movies! Surely, no one will die by bees at the end. The only thing that could make this ad crueler (to future unsuspecting audiences of My Girl) is if they said, “See the film that has America buzzing.” I still haven’t seen Bee Movie because of what they did to Thomas J. Sennett. And I have no interest.
“Honey, I’m Going on a Boziness Trip”
I wonder how many people called this 1-900 number to take the Stone Cold Adventure Challenge. What did it entail? They give you no details about it in the ad. What action hijinks can you manage calling a phone number? Do you call the number and then bikers break into your house, and you have to kick their ass? So many questions. Imagine winning this and then flying out to LA to meet up with The Boz. What do you think he ordered for dinner? Probably steak. If you don’t get a steak out of dinner with Brian Bosworth, then you’re doing life wrong. What time do you think the contest winner and Bosworth stayed up until? Like, did they paint the town? Did he bring the Komodo Dragon with him? Are any of the runner-up prizes for the Stone Cold action challenge for sale on eBay? Answer: No.
All I Want for Christmas Is Lies
What a lovely seasonal ad for fun new movie! The Columbia logo covered in snow & holiday cheer. The announcer declaring “The holidays are back, and so is Mac!” Looks like a great night at the movies! Surely, no one will die by bees at the end. The only thing that could make this ad crueler (to future unsuspecting audiences of My Girl) is if they said, “See the film that has America buzzing.” I still haven’t seen Bee Movie because of what they did to Thomas J. Sennett. And I have no interest.
“Honey, I’m Going on a Boziness Trip”
I wonder how many people called this 1-900 number to take the Stone Cold Adventure Challenge. What did it entail? They give you no details about it in the ad. What action hijinks can you manage calling a phone number? Do you call the number and then bikers break into your house, and you have to kick their ass? So many questions. Imagine winning this and then flying out to LA to meet up with The Boz. What do you think he ordered for dinner? Probably steak. If you don’t get a steak out of dinner with Brian Bosworth, then you’re doing life wrong. What time do you think the contest winner and Bosworth stayed up until? Like, did they paint the town? Did he bring the Komodo Dragon with him? Are any of the runner-up prizes for the Stone Cold action challenge for sale on eBay? Answer: No.
No comments:
Post a Comment