Johnny Showtime: Who Are These FOR?

 by JB

Yes, it’s FINE to end a sentence with a preposition, provided that sentence is a question.

Recently, while working on a column about upcoming releases, I noticed many bizarre, obscure movies popping up. This is happening with greater frequency because 1) By now, almost every “real” movie has been released multiple times on physical media and 2) Boutique labels need to find SOMETHING to release to maintain an increasingly unsustainable business model... so they scrape the bottom of the media barrel. Please be assured, all of the releases described below are REAL.

Who are these for? Who wants these? Who buys these? Who goes to the mailbox one day and says "Oh, hooray! My THIS is here!"?

Shakespeare's Shitstorm in 4K! (released 9/16)

A Troma release in which director/studio president Lloyd Kaufman plays the bard. According to Amazon, “In a crude parody of William Shakespeare's The Tempest, Mad Scientist Prospero wishes to lure a boatload of pharmaceutical executives to Tromaville, New Jersey. With the help of a handicapped crack-whore, he releases a massive amount of laxative to whales, while said executives are on a pleasure cruise to North Korea. A humongous shitstorm washes the boat away and eventually brings them to Tromaville. Prospero can now fully realize his ultimate vengeance.”

Finally available in 4K because Troma releases are known for their exacting, gorgeous, nuanced cinematography.

J-Girl Yummy: Nazuna Nonohara (released 9/16)

According to the producers, “J-Girl Yummy is proud to bring you the sexiest Japanese girls in the most beautiful settings, wearing the least clothes. Starring in this piece of work (emphasis mine) is Nazuna Nonohara! An innocent looking, black-haired beautiful girl, whose charm is the contrast between her tame looks and her beautiful (and huge) G-cup breasts!! Nazuna rocks a petite body with full and yummy 92 cm breasts... This newcomer lets you feel her potential to fully bloom in the future. Her natural beauty overflows with radiance -- just like a flower blooming in the wild!”

So, this series (Two other J-Girl Yummy discs were released the same day) is intended for...pedophiles? Why is it important that Ms. Nonohara’s breasts are precisely 92 centimeters? Is the disc actually intended for exacting mathematicians?

Oh, I’m sure this is a “piece of work.”

Silent Horror (released 9/16)

According to Amazon, “this collection of three horror movies features stories that focus on visual storytelling, with minimum dialogue: 1) The Taming of Andrea is the most recent of the three, starring Andrea Hall as a woman who is kicked out by her boyfriend. A stranger sees her crying and offers her lodging on his boat. Thus begins her ordeal; 2) The Crucifier is the story of a man who suddenly becomes psychotic at a party and attacks his friends, killing the males and holding the women captive; and 3) Nightmare of the Schizophrenic is the most atmospheric of the three movies, in which a man who suffers delusions of grandeur believes that he sees reincarnations of people who betrayed him in a past life."

Rest assured, I am familiar enough with writer/director Bill Zebub’s questionable oeuvre that I can decode for you what the screed above REALLY MEANS:

1) The “stranger” (I’m guessing it’s Zebub) and Andrea wander around a forest preserve. Andrea gets naked.
2) The "psychotic" (Zebub again) walks around a forest with some naked girls.
3) A “delusional man” (Guess Who?) wanders around a forest preserve and entertains visions of Grade C strippers.

Trust me. These films “focus on visual storytelling” because Zebub’s camcorder was broken on the day he filmed all three of these... and didn’t record any sound.

Mullet (released 9/23)

The inexplicable darling of the 2025 Sydney Film Festival, this 2001 release apparently involves “Eddie (Ben Mendelsohn) returning to his home town on the south coast of New South Wales. Having left for the city without explanation a few years previously, he tries to pick up the pieces of his life and fit back in to the lives of those he left, including his ex-girlfriend Tully (Susie Porter) and brother Pete (Andrew Gilbert).”

For those who simply cannot get enough of the "live fast, die young" atmosphere of New South Wales. The actor playing Eddie does NOT sport a mullet and the disc packaging suggests something to do with fish. (Spoiler alert: THE FISH IS THE MULLET.) From world-famous Madman Studios.

Hallmark Double Feature:

Autumn at Apple Hill/Haunted Wedding (released 9/23)

Given the ubiquity of Hallmark Holiday movies, is this release specifically engineered for those cozy autumn nights... when both the cable and the internet go out?

Hallmark 9-Movie Collection:
Sugar-Plummed, A Carol for Two, Christmas with the Singhs, Christmas on Call, Happy Howlidays, The 5-Year Christmas Party, Scouting Christmas, Confessions of a Christmas Letter, & Leah's Perfect Gift (released 10/7)

What if both the internet and cable go out on Christmas Eve, and a terrible blizzard prevents you from leaving the house? I’m guessing Happy Howlidays involves a dog. I do not know what it means to be “sugar-plummed.” I pray it’s NOT a euphemism. Will check my J-Girl Yummy collection for clues.

Death Packs a Suitcase (released 10/14)

Again, we turn to Amazon for answers: “A black-gloved killer stalks London, packing the suitcases of their victims before murdering them with an exotic dagger. Surrounded by potential suspects but lacking hard evidence, a smooth-talking Inspector (Fred Williams) seeks the help of famous crime-novelist Charles Barton (Horst Tappert). Euro-horror filmmaker Jess Franco took a break from his decadent sex thrillers (Vampyros Lesbos) to demonstrate his versatility with the whodunit. Working carefully within the genre of the German 'Krimi' film, Franco nevertheless managed to infuse the film with personal touches: dynamic camerawork, seductive women, comic flourishes, all set to a jazz soundtrack by Rolf Kühn.”

Dynamic camera work? I’ll believe that when I see it. I may buy this for packing tips...haha, who am I kidding? My wife packs my suitcase for me! And she has NEVER MURDERED ME ONCE. How many copies will this sell?

J-Girl Yummy: Toka Rinne, J-Girl Yummy: Mitsuha, & J-Girl Yummy: Reona Kirishima (released 10/14)

Three more J-Girl Yummy releases. Why weren’t these released with the others on September 16th? Are J-Girl Yummy fans on a limited budget? Did the producers think that fans required a month to... digest... the first three? The mind boggles. I'd have suggested a boxset of all six discs, featuring measurements between 87 and 92 centimeters EXACTLY.

By the way, all six are being released on both Blu-ray and DVD, so you have a choice at what resolution you are ogling jailbait-adjacent, specifically-measured girls.

Hallmark Double Feature:
Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story/On the 12th Date of Christmas
and
Hallmark Double Feature:
Three Wiser Men and a Boy/Magic in Mistletoe
and
Hallmark 3-Movie Collection:
This Time Each Year, Our Holiday Story, & Deck the Walls (released 10/28)

I’m guessing these are for the Hallmark Christmas Movie fan who thinks that Halloween is the work of the Devil and needs SEVEN STRONG BABY JESUS BIRTHDAY MOVIES to drown out the noise of All Hallows Eve. Either that or both the cable and the internet are out AGAIN this weekend. Dammit!

Quantum Leap of Faith: The Director's Cut (released 11/11)

I’m getting to the point where I can recognize a new Bill Zebub release just by the amateur quality of the disc cover. I covered Zebub’s previous “film” Dick Shark in some detail in another column. Check it out! (Please don't.)

Not really movies, Zebub’s work can best be described as him and his friends fucking around in a forest preserve somewhere while he rolls a consumer-grade camcorder. He plays Jesus in this one, and apparently, THIS happens: “A woman dies by electrocution and quantum-leaps into the body of Jesus. Everyone around her believes that she is the Messiah. She considers this to be a dream, so she has some fun, but her actions have consequences in modern times.” Again, I’m guessing it’s Zebub in a Spirit Halloween tunic, wandering around the forest preserve, ogling local strippers. Yes, actions do have consequences in modern times, but it's Sunday, so Tawny Mae's going to want time-and-a-half, Bill.

J-Girl Yummy: Sari Kawai, J-Girl Yummy: Emi Asano, & J-Girl Yummy: Harumi Tachibana (released 11/11) It's... fetish porn, right? But Amazon tells me that "products related to this item" include Jurassic World Rebirth (4K Ultra HD) so I guess it's FINE? The fans of these damn things must be insatiable!

Hallmark Double Feature:
Jingle Bell Run/My Christmas Family Tree
and
Hallmark 3-Movie Collection:
The Finnish Line, 'Tis the Season to be Irish, & My Sweet Austrian Holiday
and
Hallmark Six Movie Collection:
A Novel Noel, A Reason for the Season, Please Believe in Christmas, Rescuing Christmas, Christmas Under the Lights, & All I Need for Christmas (Released 11/11)

More fetish porn. The fans of these damn things must be insatiable!

Clearly, astute disc producers should have figured out by now that there is a fortune to be made by producing physical media that COMBINES the Hallmark Christmas movie and the J-Girl Yummy franchise. So may I present to you:

The H-Mark Yumny Six Movie Collection:
Oh, Tannenbaum... Oh, Takashi!; Mitsua’s Special Gift; My 92cm Christmas Tree; Tokyo Snow Globes; Please Believe in Santa... and Harumi; & Two Girls, One Candy Cane

Enjoy!