The 2025 Binness Awards

by Adam Riske

What award did your favorite movies get this year?

A Diorama Up Someone’s Ass: The Phoenician Scheme

A Dog Can’t Do All Your Homework: Good Boy

Also Recognizes The Peacemaker (1997) Rules: Jay Kelly

Always Listen to Patrick and Mike Recommendations: Nouvelle Vague

Attaboy Elric: The Dead Thing

Best 2025 Burns: The Family McMullen

Best Centerpiece Sequence: Highest 2 Lowest

Better Than I Expected: 28 Years Later

Biggest Disappointment: Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning

Could’ve Been an Email: Megadoc

Did I Hallucinate This? Stealing Pulp Fiction

Did You Mean to Make Him Look Like an Asshole? It’s Never Over, Jeff Buckley

Dumbest Shit Ever: I Know What You Did Last Summer

Enough Already: Superman

Feels Like a Movie from 1993: The Day the Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie

Feels Like a Movie from 1996: One of Them Days

Feels Like a Movie from 2007: Fight or Flight

Good 2025 Burns: Millers in Marriage

Good Drama, Bad Comedy: Materialists

Good One Scene/Bad Another: Together

“Heartbreak Feels Good in a Place Like This”: The Life of Chuck

Hidden Gem: Eephus

Homeboy Looks Just Like Cruise Lestat: Frankenstein

I Didn’t Mind It: Caught Stealing

I Dunno…He Probably Had Good Times Too? John Candy: I Like Me

I Dunno…Recommended? Karate Kid: Legends

I Give It Tree and a Half Branches: Train Dreams

I’m the Only Person Who Saw: Not Just a Goof

It’s Fine/She’s FINE: Oh, Hi!

It’s Kinda Just There: Freakier Friday

Like a Saturday Morning Cartoon Show: Predator: Badlands

Like Eating at Applebee’s When You Wanted to Eat at Chili’s: Paddington in Peru

Most Canadian (complimentary): The Shrouds

Most Clamoring for an MTV Movie Awards Nomination for Best Villain: Sinners

Most Cognizant of People Getting Meals In: Springsteen: Deliver Me from Nowhere

Most Dollar Tree: The Fetus

Most Geico Slasher Movie Commercial: Clown in a Cornfield

Most Intermittently Funny: Friendship

Most Obnoxious: The Monkey

Most Old Country Buffet: The Alto Knights

Most Patting on its Own Back: Heart Eyes

Most Pennywise: Weapons

Most Pleasant: Sacramento

Most Product Placement: Oh. What. Fun.

Most Surprisingly Violent: Novocaine 

Most Sweet: Nonnas

Most Tedious: Mickey 17

Most Tense: One Battle After Another

Most Undercooked: Shelby Oaks

Most Underrated: The Surfer

Most Unnecessary: Lilo & Stitch

Most Walmart $5 Bin: Final Destination Bloodlines

Most Wealth Flaunting: Being Eddie

Movie I Can’t Believe I Saw in Theaters: Witchboard

Movie I Like Less Than Everyone Else: Black Bag

Movie I Like More Than Everyone Else: Honey Don’t!

Pleasant Surprise: Dangerous Animals

Pretty Good: Ballerina 

Saves Me a Trip to the Academy Museum: Jaws at 50: The Definitive Inside Story

Seems Irresponsibly Expensive: F1

So Bad It Should Be Against the Law: High Rollers

So Poorly Made It’s Uncomfortable: Happy Gilmore 2

The Ideal January Movie: Companion

“The Wood-man’s Done It Again”: Bugonia

Ugh: Thunderbolts*

We Misunderstood Why People Like This: Den of Thieves 2: Pantera

What Are Movies? A Merry Little Ex-Mas

Will Play Like Gangbusters at Fraternities: The Long Walk

Worst Movie: Love Hurts

Worst Product Placement for Orange Juice: Presence

Worst Third Act: The Running Man

Worst Twist: Relay

WTF: The Threesome

Yikes: Bad Shabbos

“YOU BLEW IT” (Robert De Niro voice): The Naked Gun

You Can Stop Any Time Now: Jurassic World Rebirth