F This Movie! - F This Summer!

In this special episode of F This Movie!, Patrick, Doug and JB look back at a long, mediocre summer with a long, mediocre podcast.



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F This Movie! - The Expendables

Patrick and first-time guest host Mark Ahn sharpen their knives and their one-liners, suit up and form a two-man one-man army to take on Sylvester Stallone's '80s-centric action opus The Expendables.



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Also discussed this episode: Surfer, Dude (2008), Oldboy (2003), Lady Vengeance (2005), Dune (1984), The Square (2008), Eat Pray Love (2010)

F These Horror Movie Remakes

Alexandre Aja's Piranha 3-D is coming out this weekend, and we all know it's going to CG chew our CG penises off. Time to look back and F some past horror movie remakes.

1. Dawn of the Dead (2004) - Zack Snyder took one of the best and most relevant horror movies of all time and made it into a movie about nothing. Still, it's an awesome movie about nothing, with fantastic set piece (those first 10 minutes are holy shit) after fantastic set piece. I will never stop telling the post-credit coda to fuck off, but this is a damn good horror movie, remake or not. Also, zombie baby.

2. Halloween (2007) - One of the most controversial remakes of all time doesn't deserved to be loved or hated, but rather studied. Rob Zombie spends half a movie doing his usual white-trash f-bomb thing to discover "where evil began" (Michael Myers doesn't need an origin) and the second half of the movie slavishly imitating John Carpenter's original. It's a mess and I don't understand its existence and f you I still kind of like it.

3. The Thing (1982) - John Carpenter's "re-imagining" (barf) of The Thing From Another World is in a tight race with David Cronenberg's The Fly for Best Remake of All Time. Still my favorite John Carpenter movie (suck it, Halloween) and one of the best horror movies ever made.

4. The Hills Have Eyes (2006) - Alexandre Aja's first horror remake is totally 2-D but also kind of good. Yes, it's overly bloody and mean-spirited and someone drinks a bird, but it's hard to deny the movie's brutal effectiveness. It's also hard to deny Claire from Lost.

5. The Blob (1988) - If John Carpenter's The Thing and David Cronenberg's The Fly are the best remakes ever made, then Chuck Russell's take on The Blob (blub) is the most underrated. Frank Darabont wrote the script and Johnny Drama's mullet star in this endlessly clever, gory movie that totally kicks ass (blub).

6. Psycho (1998) - Because Alfred Hitchcock forgot to include all the jerking off.

7. The Wicker Man (2006) - Not the bees. Not the beeeeees.

8. House on Haunted Hill (1999) - William Malone's remake of William Castle's original should be filed under "better than it has any right to be." Yes, there is the terrible CG and the Chris Kattan and the Lisa Loeb roller coaster cameo (I'm just so scared to lose), but Geoffrey Rush is awesome and some stuff is genuinely creepy. For devoted genre fans only.

9. House of Wax (2005) - Paris Hilton + spear in the forehead = still a shitty movie.

10. The Wolfman (2010) - Here you go.

F This Movie! - Domino

A curiously hot n' heavy listener request leads Patrick and Alex into a discussion of Keira Knightley's jaw, Tony Scott's ridiculous filmography and the things a 12-year old would find cool during this f'ing of the overly-directed 2005 mess Domino.

F This Movie! - Ghostbusters

Patrick and JB ain't afraid of no ghost.

F These Sylvester Stallone Movies

In honor of The Expendables hitting theaters this week, let's F the F out of these Sylvester Stallone movies. No Rockys or Rambos allowed.

1. Demolition Man (1993) - Probably Stallone's most underrated movie, Demolition Man is actually three movies: the movie it is, the terrible action movie Wesley Snipes thinks he's in and the sharp satire that Daniel Waters wrote. Enhance your calm, John Spartan.

2. Cop Land (1997) - James Mangold's Cop Land was a big deal because it was a low-budget indie in which Stallone took a dramatic role. I guess everyone forgot Rocky.

3. Cobra (1986) - Stallone is Marion "Cobra" Cobretti. Read that again. Crime is the disease, and he is the cure. If you've got a meathook handy, he'll hang you on it. This is Stallone's Raw Deal.

4. Judge Dredd (1995) - This comes from the period where not many comic book movies were being made because no one knew how to make them. Casting Rob Schneider as the comic sidekick to the ultimate badass is not a good start. Not horrible, but messy and ugly and not great.

5. Oscar (1991) - John Landis's tribute to the screwball comedies of the 1930s is very on the nose and very underrated. Stallone isn't exactly hilarious (he's not bad, either), but everyone around him is. Much better than people are willing to admit.

6. Over the Top (1987) - Because meet me halfway across the sky.

7. Cliffhanger (1993) - When Cliffhanger screened in 1993, it was kind of awesome because it was in 70mm and was the first watchable Stallone movie in a few years. When Cliffhanger came out on video and was suddenly about dialogue and performance instead of cool 70mm mountain scenery, it was not awesome. Features one of the wordiest and most awkward bad-guy-death kiss-off lines in history.

8. Assassins (1995) - A Stallone movie from the period where his movies were bad in a way that inspired pained indifference (we'll call them "the Specialist years"). The pre-Matrix Wachowski siblings wrote the script, Joel Silver produced and Richard Donner directed. Why is it so lame? If nothing else, the movie offers the chance to see Stallone act opposite the always awesome Amber Waves, playing a character named Electra. Barf.

9. Victory (1981) - Stallone + soccer + Pelé acting + Nazis = Victory.

10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992) - We liked Cliffhanger because of movies like this.

F These Buddy Cop Movies

With The Other Guys now in theaters, it's time to F one of my favorite movie genres: the buddy cop movie. I'm gonna solve this case, if I don't kill each other first.

1. Lethal Weapon (1987) - The brass ring of buddy cop movies. Mel Gibson is crazy and wants his partner to blow him in the jacuzzi, but Danny Glover is too old for this shit. Two decreasingly decent sequels came after, followed by one barf fest called Lethal Weapon 4. They had to be making that one up as they went along.

2. Tango & Cash (1989) - Because FUBAR.

3. Hollywood Homicide (2003) - Ron Shelton's least-respected movie isn't as bad as its reputation. I like that it's not really about anything; being cops is what the characters do to finance their real interests. I like it. F off.

4. Red Heat (1988) - You've got the best action star of the 1980s finally sharing the screen in a buddy cop movie. Who do you team him with? That's right. Jim Fucking Belushi. Walter Hill and Chicago and Schwarzenegger Danko make this worth watching. Jim Belushi makes it worth barfing. Actually, he's not that bad, as long as he's not losing money on Marvin Hagler.

5. Bad Boys II (2003) - The most socially irresponsible movie ever made is also the purest distillation of Michael Bay terribleness ever to hit the screen. The worst/best/worst. Like Will Smith says in that movie (every movie): "Aw, hell no."

6. Running Scared (1986) - One of the best buddy cop movies ever made actually makes an action hero out of Billy Crystal. Great Chicago photography, an awesome chase scene and the best use of "Sweet Freedom" ever.

7. Nighthawks (1981) - Before teaming up with Gabriel Cash, Stallone played buddy cop with Lando Calrissian in this gritty, cool early '80s flick. Just don't read the plot summary on Wikipedia, which is the most overly-convoluted piece of writing since Southland Tales.

8. Cop Out (2010) - Kevin Smith directs a script he didn't write, because directing is what Kevin Smith is best at. A lame tribute to '80s buddy cop movies (but with an awesome Harold Faltermeyer score) that's so slavishly imitative it begs the question: why not just watch Tango & Cash?

9. Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) - Dolph Lundgren, Brandon Lee and Tia Carrere's body double team up to fight crime on HBO. This is probably Brandon Lee's best movie, mostly because he managed to avoid being killed during production.

10. Hot Fuzz (2007) - Edgar Wright has made two perfect movies and one perfect TV show. Like Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz improves with repeat viewings, when you're able to absorb just how dense and well-structured the movie is. One of the few movies that's able to pull off the trick of making fun of something while still being that thing. F! This movie!

F This Movie! - Grindhouse

Patrick and Doug play ship's mast with the 2007 exploitation movie double feature Grindhouse, featuring Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror and Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof.

Note: Days after the recording of this podcast, Grindhouse was announced to be released on DVD and Blu-ray later in 2010. Ignore anything these two dummies say to the contrary.



Download this episode here.

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Also discussed this episode: Ratatouille (2007), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Spaceballs (1987)