Friday, October 26, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Oct. 26)

This is it! The last six days of #ScaryMovieMonth! And, as of this writing, we have well over 700 reviews in the Scary Movie Challenge III thread. That's crazy! And great! At the same time! Do you think we can break 1,000 comments? I don't, but let's try! Homestretch, people.

For this final installment of October trailerz, I'm joined by Patrick as we examine old VAMPIRE MOVIES! Thanks for taking one (a stake) for the team (in the heart), Patrick!

Release date: Feb. 14, 1931

Doug: Haha -- anals of living horror! This is OBVIOUSLY a reissue trailer for the original Dracula film from 1931. I couldn't find [read: didn't look too hard] for the original preview. What did you think?

Patrick: I was clued in to the fact that it's a reissue by the fact that it's a pretty good trailer. And it kept saying "BACK," and at the end is says "reissue." But I thought it did a really good job at highlighting what's great about that movie. You?

Doug: Coming off The Black Cat (#TheMassacre), I'm kind of jonesing for more Bela Lugosi. I don't remember loving Dracula the most recent time I saw it (two years ago?), but the trailer works, because now I want to watch it again. Fun fact: this movie came out on Valentine's Day in 1931!

Patrick: The movie is definitely ... slower ... than the trailer suggests. Proof that it was made a little later, when marketing departments had figured that stuff out a little better. Of course, it was probably still studios cutting trailers back then.

Doug: The one thing this trailer is missing? Winona Ryder's bouncing juggs as she runs through the rain in a satin nightgown.

Patrick: Let's get on to Winona Ryder. I'll just say that Dracula probably isn't the best vampire movie ever made, but it's one of the first and gets points for that.

Doug: Agreed! NEXT!

Bram Stoker's Dracula
Release date: Nov. 13, 1992

Doug: "Love never dies!" Ha! Believe it or not, I've never seen this movie. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Patrick: For real? Because holy shit that's a great trailer. It convinced me that I love that movie, when I really only like it. I think the craziness works better in small doses. Like a Michael Bay movie.

Doug: I have seen all the costumes at the Francis Ford Coppola Winery outside Napa. SCARY! I need to see it ASAP. Which leads me to my next question: Patrick, can I borrow Bram Stoker's Dracula?

Patrick: Yes. Yes you can. It might be an acquired taste, though. It's nuts.

Doug: It doesn't look nuts. I mean, what can be nuts about the always eccentric Gary Oldman and fog and Winona Ryder clutching her chest and licking a bloody razor blade and ... oh, I see what you mean.

Patrick: It is a GREAT trailer. Makes me want to watch it right now. And I CAN'T because some asshole has my copy.

Doug: Shall we move on?

Patrick: Sure. Maybe you can borrow more stuff.

Fright Night
Release date: Aug. 2, 1985

Doug: Now, see, with Fright Night, I know I've seen it ... I just don't remember ANYTHING about it. Is it good? I have no idea.

Patrick: It's one of my favorites of the '80s. Maybe ever. I love it.

Doug: And this trailer is all ... "If you LOVE being scared, this could be the night of your life!" It's like, BACK OFF TRAILER NARRATOR.

Patrick: It's a pretty good trailer, though. It gives away too much, but I expected these all to be awful and I'm surprised that they're effective.

Doug: You think it gives away too much? Maybe I spaced, because I thought it was pretty ambiguous.

Patrick: Maybe because I've seen it a lot. I know where all the shots are from. But, yeah, trailer narrator is all, "You don't WANT to drink a MONSTER; you'll get a HEART ARRHYTHMIA." Always up in my grill.

Doug: Be honest, you had to look up how to spell "arrhythmia."

Patrick: Spellcheck MOTHAFUCKA. Spelled that one on my own.

Doug: Speaking of MONSTER [Energy Drink™] ... how would you rank these horror villains (favorite to least favorite): classic monsters, vampires, zombies.

Patrick: This answer sucks, but it's impossible to rank them. I've seen so many bad versions of all of them that as soon as I think, "Oh, vampires!" I remember all the bad vampire movies. Like that one John Carpenter did. Can't remember the name.

Doug: OK, slightly easier question ... does your love of the original movie make you hate the remake that much more? I mean, I know it's bad, but is it HARRIBLE because you have so much affection for the first one?

Patrick: Probably. But I think the remake does a ton of stuff wrong that makes it a bad movie whether the original existed or not.

Doug: Fair 'nuff. NEXT!

Blade II
Release date: March 22, 2002

Patrick: Therrrre we go. I love Blade II, but that is a GARBAGE trailer.

Doug: What the heck happened to Wesley Snipes? Guy's BLADE and SIMON PHOENIX, for crying out loud!

Patrick: You'll have to ask the taxman.

Doug: The taxman? But if I try to sit he'll tax my seat (seat)!

Patrick: What's with that dance rock music that plays through the whole thing?

Doug: 2002!

Patrick: When that ninja guy says "Stop!" and the music cuts out, I half expected someone to say "Hammertime." Pretty racist, Blade II trailer.

Doug: Honestly, I don't mind the trailer, but, like your affinity for Fright Night, perhaps I'm remembering how much I really like the movie, so I'm channeling that to my preview-watching experience. Or something.

Patrick: That's what makes it worse for me! I love the movie, and the trailer is selling me some hip, "cool" rock 'n' roll vampire movie. Blade II is a Greek tragedy!

Doug: YOU'RE a Greek tragedy.

Van Helsing
Release date: May 7, 2004

Doug: This trailer is F-ing schizophrenic. So much to love AND hate about it! Let's start with the "hate" -- Kate Beckinsale, ALL the CGI, too many quick cuts, shirtless Hugh Jackman ... I could go on.

Patrick: I've seen that trailer a LOT of times, because it used to show in front of everything. I think I liked the idea of the movie so much that I overlooked that the trailer was basically TELLING me it would one of the biggest pieces of shit of all time.

Doug: Right, and the "love" is just that -- the idea of the movie. All the monsters together. A fanboy's dream. What a wasted opportunity.

Patrick: Don't worry. They're remaking it with Tom Cruise.

Doug: Wha-wha-WHAT?

Patrick: Not a bad idea IN THEORY. But fool me once, shame on ... me? Fool me ... don't get fooled again.

Doug: I'm not categorically opposed to a remake. Again, it's a pretty great subject. I mean, it can only be better? Right? RIGHT? RIGHT?!?!

Patrick: Well, the CGI will be, anyway.

Release date: Jan. 8, 2010

Doug: Everyone should see this movie.

Patrick: Man, modern trailers. Every plot beat is telegraphed. And everything is blue. And there's always the extra beat after the title/quiet. But I agree! Super underrated. And not just because the villain's name is Charles Bromley.

Doug: My first comment is my reaction to my memory of watching the movie -- not the trailer. It's great, and everyone should see it. Although, if I remember correctly, the climax/last third of the movie goes off the rails a little bit.

Patrick: It's been a while, but I remember really liking the whole last act. It keeps one-upping itself to a comical degree. And it's VERY BLOODY.

Doug: I remember some ridiculous thing about jumping into the daylight or something. And it's like, "Yeah, sure ... whatever."

Patrick: Oh, right. That. Yeah, you're right. Really good movie overall, though, and one of my favorite of the recent vampire movies.

Doug: Totally, and I point out this minor thing only to reinforce how great I think the film is. It's just not perfect (nor are most great movies). So everyone see it! Especially if you like horror/vampire movies! Do you have time for one more?

Patrick: Yech.

Release date: Nov. 21, 2008

Doug: All jokes aside (and there are literally thousands I could make), this trailer is for a much better movie. I don't mind the beats, there's some good action, a decent zinger at the end ... not bad. And I've seen this movie, and it's not good.

Patrick: I remember thinking the movie would bomb because it didn't look very good. Boy, did I underestimate the Twilight fans.

Doug: This is THE movie that started every single neo-vampire trend in movies and TV. The WB owes everything to Stephenie Meyer.

Patrick: I do like the line where he says "Maybe I'm not the hero ... (SMOLDER SMOLDER) ... maybe I'm ... (SMOLDER) ... the bad guy." Makes me wish that's the direction the story actually took.

Doug: I like the part where Kristen Stewart goes slaloming topless in a car with two dudes (double HJ!). Or am I confusing Twilight with On the Road?

Patrick: I like when she's in the panic room. You know, from that movie, Snow White and the Huntsman?

Doug: What I'm trying to say is she's a very talented actress and not at all awkward or angsty or terrible at her job.

Patrick: The whole first half of the trailer is just people staring at each other with their mouths open. So at least there's truth in advertising.


  1. Slaloming - I get it! Is that actually a thing or did you make that up?

    I enjoyed Patrick Watchin' Trailerz with Doug - good stuff guys.

    1. Not sure if I made it up (I think it's loosely based on a stupid joke I heard from my uncle), but it's a thing for sure. And, boy, is it GLORIOUS.


  2. There's a lot to like about Bram Stoker's Dracula, in particular the production design and terrific old-school effects. But the decision to make Drac a tragic romantic hero leads to one of the nuttiest sequences I've ever seen in film. It takes place between Mina and Drac, right after the confrontation at the ruined abbey. In the space of 5 MINUTES, Mina declares her love for him, learns who and what he actually is, realizes he essentially murdered her best friend Lucy, promptly forgets this and declares her love again, and finally demands to be made a vampire herself. I don't think there's an actress on the planet who could run through all those changes without it seeming ridiculous. I know Mina is supposed to be Drac's reincarnated love and all, but without a doubt she's the worst BFF ever.