Friday, October 5, 2012

Watchin' Trailerz with Doug (Oct. 5)

At long last ... #ScaryMovieMonth! "Yay!" -you. And, much like last year, I'm going to focus on some trailerz from horror films past. This week: SLASHER FLICKS! Not the best, or even my personal favorites. Just a handful that I wanted to feature. Why? Because this is my damn column and I can do what I want!

Release date: Oct. 25, 1978

While technically not the first slasher movie (that's last), Halloween reinvented the genre/broke the mold/set the tone/other clichÈs that changed HORROR MOVIES FOR EVER (or some other platitude). But seriously, this is one effective, scary, inventive, unique film. I'm not going to sit here and tell you the history of the movie or why you should see it (that's been done better on this website here); I'll just comment on the trailer. There's something charming about these old previews -- they don't tell you much, they're poorly edited (almost as an afterthought) and they're LONG. Regardless, that John Carpenter synth score and shaky POV cam make me want to watch it RIGHT NOW. But I can't! Because I'm not by my TV! #FThisMovieProblems

Silent Night, Deadly Night
Release date: Nov. 9, 1984

"You've made it through Halloween, now try and survive Christmas!" Hilarious concept that I completely stand behind. Because holidays are about trying not to get killed. A homicidal Santa (is there any other kind) terrorizes a small town. In this preview, I especially love all the reaction shots from the nutcrackers. They're exposed to SO MUCH AX MURDER (and a wussy handgun kill), when all they want to do is crack some nuts. C'mon, Santa -- cut those nutcrackers some nutcrackin' slack! Believe it or not, F This Movie!'s own Erika LOVES this movie (and wants to have a million of its babies). She used to watch it a lot at sleepovers in the '80s and '90s (same with Sleepaway Camp). Just one more reason why every F-Head should covet Patrick's wife.

I Know What You Did Last Summer
Release date: Oct. 17, 1997

I watched this again two #ScaryMovieMonths ago (my new [and only] unit of time measurement -- for example, I first met my wife over five #ScaryMovieMonths ago ... and she still doesn't like scary movies. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?), and BOY is it a piece of shit. Riding the wave of that new cool-teen-hipster-ironic-slasher-movie trend (popularized by the MUCH better Scream), I Know What You Did Last Summer basically barfs all over your eyes and face with bad acting, hairdos, attitude and plot. The only thing it has going for it is Jennifer Love Hewitt at the peak of her hotness (Heartbreakers, anyone?). And, despite the fact that I wrote a song in college about her being my girlfriend, that's not really saying much. #PartyofTwo

Child's Play
Release date: Nov. 9, 1988

Perhaps the best thing to come from the whole Chucky phenomenon was this EXCELLENT Simpsons "Treehouse of Horror III" segment (also spoofing Gremlins) about an evil Krusty doll, "Clown Without Pity" (excuse the HORRIBLE quality [and, really dude? You can't center the camera on the TV?]). Re: the original Child's Play, it never really registered for me, probably because my parents were too cheap to buy me a My Buddy doll (which I have to assume is what this movie was based on). The sequels (five total!) got more and more ridiculous, and have developed a cult following of their own. Thank god for Jennifer Tilly.

Release date: Sept. 7, 2007

The great (sure!) Adam Green writes and directs this super fun slasher movie. And it is a "fun" (you know what I mean) film (if you don't mind TONS of gore). Don't let the serious tone of this trailer fool you -- it's a GARBAGE preview, piggybacking on the themes and tropes of the slew of late 2000's torture porn franchises (Saw comes to mind). Kane Hodder (yes, that Kane Hodder) plays Victor Crowley ("Mister!"), a throwback villain in the vein of Michael Myers, Jason (i.e., Baghead), Leatherface, et al. I'm surprised this film isn't more popular with horror movie junkies. I mean, yeah, I guess it's popular enough -- it did spawn a sequel -- and Mr. Green is still working, so that's good. If you haven't seen Hatchet yet, what are you waiting for?

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
Release date: Oct. 1, 1974

The granddaddy of them all! What a legitimately terrifying, creepy trailer! I really need to watch this again. RIGHT NOW. Sorry Halloween.


  1. I do love Texas Chainsaw Massacre (just saw it for the first time a few months ago and it really is the shit) but I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Canada's own "Black Christmas" (1974) is generally considered the first "slasher" film, eh?

    1. Well, assuming we consider both of them slasher movies, and we're looking at relese date, TCM actually came out 10 days before Black Christmas, according to IMDB. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Oct. 1, 1974 (in the US), Black Christmas: Oct 11, 1974 (in Canada). Therefore, TCM was first.

    2. I was JUST going to write that (thanks John). HA! IN YOUR FACE SOL! Hoser!

    3. Haha, sorry to steal you thunder, Doug.

  2. I'm guessing maybe TCM isn't technically a "slasher"? I thought I had heard that Black Christmas was the first slasher before but I wikipedia'd that shit before I opened my typically arrogant Canadian mouth just to be sure - it said BC was "widely considered" to be the first slasher movie. I suggest you look it up and then write me a 1000-word essay aboot why you hate Canada.

    Look, if you take this away from us, it leaves Jim Carrey as Canada's sole contribution to modern cinema - give us First Slasher Film, would ya?

  3. Does Canada even use the same calendar? Thats probably where the confusion comes from.

    1. Stop it, please - we've all seen what happens when a Texan thinks he knows something.

    2. Lolz... Hilarious, i get it - because of Bush and stuff. Moving on.